you’re feeling. I think you need to take some
time to really reflect on why you’re being like
this. But I don’t know how much longer I can
go on this way. It’s just getting so toxic, and I
had to say something. To have these kinds of
things go on and NOT express them? I’ll get
sick and die. Anyway, I would love the chance
to sit down and talk this out with you, and I
hope you’ll be open. Xx
‘What the fuck?’ I flinch, and my shoulder knocks into something hard that yelps. I turn, and it’s a chin, attached to Nicole’s face, which it turns out has been leaning over my shoulder. I didn’t notice her entering the glass room. I didn’t feel her presence behind me. ‘What the actual fuck?’ she says again, pointing at my phone. Then she grabs it out of my hand, hunches over it and squints. She looks back up at me, bewildered. ‘Why are you being so calm about this? Why haven’t youbroken a bunch of glasses or something? Aren’t you angry?’
My vision is blurring. It might be tears. It might be a heart attack. I don’t know how Nicole is already reacting; either she’s going fast or I’m in slow motion. I can’t even compute what I’ve just read. ‘I don’t know what I am,’ I say. It must be tears, because my voice is shaky. I feel Nicole’s arms wrap around me, and I lean into the comfort she offers.
After a while, Nicole says, ‘She’s wrong, you know.’
‘What?’
‘She’s calling you a bad friend. And you’re not. I know I’m one hundred per cent biased against Bee, but you’re way too good to her. And she’s just throwing that in your face.’
I break her hold and turn to look at her. ‘How can you say that? You lived it.’
‘Seriously? You were a bit shit for half a second, apologised and learned from it. We’re not going to stop being friends with you because of it!’
‘I wouldn’t blame you if you did.’
‘God, if my friends ditched me every time I did something stupid, I’d have, like, negative one hundred friends. Or one hundred enemies. Did I not tell you that I accidentally sent a texttoNari last week talking about this fugly skirt she wore? I apologised. She’s over it. She did also get rid of the skirt because she realised it truly is a shocker.’
I sigh. Nicole’s words wash over me, and I don’t really comprehend what she has said, but I get the general vibe that she’s trying to reassure me. I’m not sure I know how or even have the energy to make her see that it’s different. Of course some friend she has known since high school is going to forgiveher one transgression. But new friends?
I want to laugh at how secure I felt in this only last night. How smug I was, going from dates to drinks, laughing and feeling safe with new people.
But the reality hits like cold from the ice machine. I’m the outsider, the interloper, trying to infiltrate an established group. As the invader, you’re constantly on edge, wary, understanding that you’re there only on a probationary licence. It’s to exist in constant hyper-awareness. A seemingly endless audition, because if you pose even a smallest of threats to the established order, you’re done. One foot wrong, and you’re out on your ass.
And I let my guard down too easily this week. I forgot to be vigilant.
That shouldn’t be the case with Bee, of course. She’s meant to be my ‘you’ve known them for years, so there’s room to mess up’ person. But she already put me on notice for that. I failed a second time, and now I don’t know if there’s another chance.
I’m staring into the blur when Nicole grabs me by both shoulders and shakes me. My vision clears to show her insistent face. ‘Hey,’ she says. ‘We’re friends. I’m not going anywhere. And if you’re not going to get justifiably mad at her for pulling this shit, I’ll just have to be pissed on your behalf.’
And I’m already humiliated enough that my body is just in for a penny in for a pound, which I think is why the next sentence escapes my lips when I’ve managed to hold it back all these months. I know it sounds childish. But: ‘Why do you even like me?’ I’m wailing now. ‘You and Reg and the others, you just…you kept on inviting me!’ My voice drops to a whisper. ‘I just don’t understand it.’
‘Oh Gertie,’ Nicole whispers, lunging forward to hug me again. My shoulder feels cold and damp, so I think she’s crying too. ‘Why is it so hard to believe that we might actually like you?’
I mean, before I would’ve argued that it was because I was an NPC in my own life who added very little to any given situation. In recent times, I’d argue that it’s the fact that I’m a chaotic mess acting several years below my actual age, and now bringing drama instead of nothing.
In my ear, Nicole whispers, ‘You’re funny as. Like, that really dry humour. And you’re so kind. Not nice. Nice is a bland as shit word. But kind. We’ve always said you give Bee way better than she deserves. And you also actually care about this job and do it well.’ I snort, because that’s a weird one. ‘Hey,’ she says, finally pulling back. Her eyes are red like mine now, and a dribble of snot is coming from her nose. ‘Competence is hot. And so is caring about stuff. I bet you recycle your soft plastics.’
‘Yeah, I do,’ I laugh, sniffling. ‘I promise I wasn’t fishing for compliments.’
Nicole shrugs. ‘Friends are meant to hype you up.’
