“Okay.” Charlotte tried not to let her relief show. “Tonight’s just for fun and friendship. Hey, how did it go with Jed, or is that another conversation for tomorrow?”
Marin’s expression softened. “It went really well. He was very laid back about the whole thing. I got so nervous in the moment, but he was fine.”
“I’m so glad.” Charlotte reached out and touched her hand, aware it was the second time she’d touched Marin tonight, and that Marin hadn’t pulled away either time. On the contrary, Marin stared down at their hands with unmistakable fondness. “I can only imagine how nerve racking that would be, even if you’re hoping for the best.”
“It was.” Marin exhaled. “I got really scared for a minute, and then I was like ... fuck this. I came all the way here. I mentally prepared myself to lose relationships with my siblings if they won’t accept me as I am, so I just blurted it out, and you know what he said?”
“What?” Charlotte asked, while her mind reeled around Marin’s reality, that she was prepared to lose family members if they didn’t accept her. Marin had mentioned that before, but that was before Charlotte started questioning her own sexuality, before she’d had reason to imagine herself in a similar situation, and the reality was ... horrifying. To think of losing a family member over who you are? Charlotte wasn’t prepared for that.
“Jed said that in hindsight, he wasn’t all that surprised I’m a lesbian, that I’d never seemed happy with Andrew and maybe this explained it.”
Charlotte laughed. “I mean, he’s not wrong.”
Marin’s lips twitched. “No, he’s not. And now I get to do it all again in a few weeks.”
“Who’s next?” Charlotte asked.
“Fran and Tom both still live in Manhattan, so I’m driving down to have lunch with them together.”
“That’s convenient.”
“Yes. Then there’s just Nancy, and I saved her for last for a reason.” Marin drained her glass and stood to retrieve the wine bottle. She brought it back to the table with her.
“I hope she pleasantly surprises you,” Charlotte said.
“I hope so too.” Marin refilled both their glasses. “You know, I used to think coming out was an event, like ... once I was divorced, I could finally come out, but now I realize it’s an ongoing thing. It’s a million little moments. I’ll never stop coming out. There will always be someone else to tell.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I never thought of that.”
“It feels exhausting.” Marin ate more of her charcuterie, looking almost as sad and defeated as she had when Charlotte first met her. She hated seeing that look on Marin’s face now.
They didn’t talk much as they ate, both of them polishing off several cookies after they’d finished their charcuterie. The first bottle of wine was gone, and Marin went to the kitchen and pulled out a second.
“More?” she asked, holding it up.
Charlotte nodded. She wanted Marin to smile again, and if more wine helped with that, she was on board.
“Sure you don’t want to look at online-dating profiles?” she asked, hoping to cheer Marin up.
“Positive.” Marin settled on the couch with Ember beside her. “Tomorrow I’ll get back on the wagon with dating.”
“Fair enough.” Charlotte sat at the other end of the couch, watching as Marin sipped her wine. Marin’s flushed cheeks were the onlyindication of how much she’d had to drink, but if she was anywhere near as tipsy as Charlotte was right now ...
“I just ...” Marin rubbed a finger back and forth over her wineglass, staring at it intently. “I want to feel passion with someone. I’ve waitedso long, and when Laura kissed me ... I thought that would be it, you know? I’d finally get to feel the sparks that everyone talks about.”
Charlotte sat with Marin’s words for a minute, digesting them, because maybe she hadn’t fully understood Marin’s reality before, that she’d never felt passion with a partner. That was so ... sad. Charlotte was terrible for letting her conflicted feelings get in the way of wishing Marin the best on her date. No one deserved passion more than Marin.
“In the early years of my marriage, I triedso hardto find that passion,” Marin said. “I bought lingerie, I asked Andrew to try new positions, and nothing ever did it for me. Deep down, I already knew I was gay, but I was in such denial. I thought if I just tried hard enough ...”
“You never ...” Charlotte stumbled to a halt, unsure how much was appropriate to ask about Marin’s sex life.
“Never what?” Marin looked right at her, and those brown eyes were brimming with so many things, they made Charlotte’s heart race.
“You never enjoyed sex with Andrew?” She settled on a slightly less direct way of asking her question, when what she really wanted to know was if Marin had ever had an orgasm with a partner.
Marin swirled her wine. “It wasn’t all terrible, but it certainly wasn’t great. I faked so many orgasms, and I’m not proud of that, but I didn’t want Andrew asking too many questions about why he couldn’t get me off. I just ...” She shrugged, then drank more wine.
Charlotte’s head was swimming. She was so drunk, and she suspected Marin would never tell her these things if she weren’t drunk, too, but Charlotte’s own blurred inhibitions only made her want to know more. “I think you did what you had to do to get through that part of your life.”
