“No one,” Charles said. “No one is dead. Everything is fine.”
They looked at each other like they thought it would be nice to introduce themselves but knowing this maybe wasn’t the time.
“Should I leave?” Gray asked.
I said, “No,” as Charles said, “Yes.”
I could feel myself getting kind of hysterical, and it was like all those years were just flooding back to me. The getting left, the being alone, Charles trying to raise us, all those hellacious foster families, Charles trying to get me again, that not happening. The only way I could make it right in my mind, the only way I could move on even a little, was telling myself that my momma was dead, and she couldn’t help it, and if she could have, she’d have traveled to the ends of the earth for me. She couldn’t be alive. She just couldn’t.
Gray was trying to calm me down, but I couldn’t even hear what she was saying. She pulled me into the living room and sat me down on the couch and rubbed my back in these long,slow, even strokes. I guess it must’ve worked, because I caught my breath, and I was still crying hard, but I could hear again.
“Diana,” Charles said. “I wasn’t trying to upset you. Let me explain.”
“Diana,” Gray whispered. “You have to calm down. It isn’t good for the baby.”
“The baby?” Charles asked.
Shit.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, covering her mouth. “But, seriously. This is bigger than that. You have to calm down.”
“What baby?” Charles asked.
Gray, she got up, and she said, “Look, I don’t know who you are, but you’re upsetting Diana. Yes, she’s pregnant. I’m sorry you found out that way, but I think it’s best that you go now. Being this upset is dangerous for her.”
She led him to the door, and I felt torn. Because, on the one side, I wanted my brother. I wanted him here to comfort me. On the other side, he’d broughtherback into my life with no warning, no preparation at all, and I wasn’t ready for that. So that part of me was pissed. Did he really think I was going to behappyto see her? I’ve never understood men, and I never will.
Gray closed the door behind Charles, and my mind was spinning, and the room was spinning, and she helped me lie down on the couch. She sat on the floor beside me and said, “You don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
“I can get Marcy if that would help.”
I was starting to see clearly again, the room coming backinto focus, my mind getting right. And I knew I didn’t need therapy. I just needed a friend. As good a one as I’d ever had in my whole life was sitting right beside me all wide-eyed.
“My mom,” I said. “I opened the door and my brother Charles was there with this woman, and she said my name, and I realized it was my mom.”
“And you thought she was dead?”
I put my hand up over my eyes. “Yes.” I threw both hands up in the air. “I don’t know what I thought. I mean, yeah, I had to think she was dead. Because if she was dead, she couldn’t help it. It wasn’t like she could control her death. If she’d died, she hadn’t meant to abandon us. But she’s not dead, and that’s so much worse.”
Gray nodded. “I get that. I totally get that.” She paused. “That would have to be the worst feeling in the world, for the one person who is supposed to love you more than herself to abandon you like that. But maybe she had a reason, you know?” I heard her voice catch in her throat as she said, “Maybe she just couldn’t help it.”
I realized that a little part of this wasn’t about my momma. It was about Gray’s. Her mom dying, and her thinking her mom wanted to die. In some small way, even though, I’ll be honest, it seemed a hell of a lot better than what happened to me, she felt like her momma’d abandoned her. It explained a lot about her, really.
I was calmer now. Nothing had changed, had it? I still had Frank. I still had this baby. I knew my momma was alive, but, hell, way deep down hadn’t I known that all along? It was goingto be okay. I had a family now. Nothing was going to change. Feeling right better and feeling that need I always got to protect the girl sitting on the floor beside me, I patted her hand and said, “Honey, maybe your momma just couldn’t help it either.” I paused. “And Charles,” I continued. “I mean, he’s my brother. Shouldn’t he have known better than this?”
Gray shook her head. “I have crazy-ass Quinn as a sister. Trust me, I can relate.”
“And you just forgave her for all her crap? Just like that?”
She scrunched her nose, and I could tell she was debating what she would say. “Well…” She shrugged. “She’s my sister, Di.”
I sighed. Damn it. I hated when she was right. He was my brother. Even if I wanted to be mad at him, it felt biologically impossible. He had fought for me his entire life. I knew, deep down, that he meant well. But I wasn’t ready to move forward. Not yet.
“What are you going to do?” she whispered.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly.
