Caroline looked slightly more relaxed.
“How’s Mom?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Amazing. In love. She and Jack came to New York last week on their way home from the Greek isles, and it’s funny, because it’s like they’ve been together forever.”
I nodded. “She said they had the best time in New York.”
“You can ask me,” Caroline said.
I thought she meant about James. “No, I mean, you can talk about it when you’re ready. This is your deal, and I’m not going to push you on it.”
“That’s not what I mean,” she said, and I could feel the blush rising to my cheeks. It was then that I knew what she was talking about, so I asked the question that had been on my mind since the moment Caroline got to the set.
“How’s Kyle?” I whispered.
“Potentially more brokenhearted than Mark,” Caroline said. “And I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. I say that because anyone with eyes can see that you love him.”
“I just can’t right now, OK? It’s too soon after Mark, and I don’t feel like dealing with another fight about a long-distance relationship.”
“Kyle isn’t Mark.”
“Maybe not,” I started, as the doctor reentered the room with a grave expression on her face.
“I have your test results,” she said. She looked at Caroline.
“Oh, it’s fine,” I said. “She’s my sister. Anything you say to me you can say to her.”
Caroline actually sat down in the chair beside me, which was completely shocking. Now she would have to burn her outfit as well as her shoes.
When the doctor told us the news, I think my heart stopped beating.
Caroline took my hand and said, “Oh, my God, Emerson.”
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t respond. When I finally got my wits about me, I said, “I need you to call my director, and then I need you to take me home.”
“Right,” she said, grabbing her car keys.
“No,” I said. “Home to Peachtree Bluff.”
THIRTY-SEVEN
ansley: a better investment
As I sat on Jack’s front porch that morning—actually, my front porch—I still couldn’t believe it. Every morning for the past six weeks, I had woken up beside Jack and thought,Wow. My husband. Today was no exception. The normalcy of our life was extraordinary.
I gazed out at Starlite Island and could almost relive our incredible wedding, the moments we had shared, how astoundingly perfect it all was. And when I looked over there, I could see another moment with Jack on that island, one that had happened years ago. One that wasn’t quite as perfect.
I could still remember that morning, how trying it had been. Emerson was right in the thick of the terrible twos, while Caroline was a shockingly teenage-acting eleven, and Sloane, right in the middle, was trying to make peace but, that morning, in a whiny and grating way that was driving me crazy.
I was grateful for them always. I loved them constantly. But those children were going to send me to a mental institution. I had to get them out of the house and into the fresh air, and as soon as we piled into the boat that Daddy had kept tied at the dock for when they came down for visits, their moods shifted. There’s something about the salt air that can do that. I’m absolutely sure of it.
By the time we got to Starlite, they were all best friends again, Sloane and Caroline making sand castles and letting Emmy help. It was one of those golden moments, one of the ones that we really don’t get to have enough as parents, that make us feel whole, as though everything we have toiled for all these years has been worth it. For this one magical moment, all seems right with the world, and you feel pretty sure that your kids are not, in fact, going to grow up to be serial killers.
I felt so relaxed then that I actually let myself do something that took a monk’s level of devotion and concentration to avoid: I slipped back into a memory of Jack. It was nothing earthshaking, just one of the many days that we spent over at this island in our youth, him throwing a football with his friends, the way the tan of his skin and the blond of his hair made it seem like he would be young forever.
I turned my head to the right, to let the wind shift the hair out of my face, and when I did, I saw a man walking toward me. I scolded myself for thinking he looked like Jack. But when he threw me a small wave and a half smile, I realized that, as so often happens in life, I had been thinking about Jack, and now he had appeared.
“Caroline!” I called. “Watch your sisters, please, and no one get in the water.”
