“I can’t wait to grow up and be in love,” Vivi said, sighing wistfully. “You and Mark are so cute.”
Caroline shot me a pleading glance. She couldn’t say anything because she was the annoying mother and would be immediately disregarded. But I was the cool aunt, so I could say, “Oh, Viv, don’t rush it. Being young is wonderful and so fleeting.”
“Yeah,” Emerson interjected. “Love is complicated.”
“You can say that again,” Caroline added.
“You and Mark don’t seem complicated,” Vivi said.
As I removed the popcorn from the microwave, I decided to change the subject. I turned to Emerson. “What’s next for you after this movie?”
“I’m trying out for a new part...”
I nodded, and Caroline said, “But?”
“But I’m not sure. I mean, it’s not that I’m not sure about the part.” She sighed and rubbed her fingernail with the pad of her thumb. “It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s just, like, how much longer do I have as an actress, you know? Ten years if I’m super lucky and have an amazing dermatologist.”
“Well, of course you’ll have an amazing dermatologist,” Caroline interjected. She turned back and winked at her sister.
“I won’t be relevant that much longer and I’m not even that relevant now. And then what do I have?”
I reached over and took her hand, swallowing the feeling that, compared to what I was going through, this was trite, insignificant bullshit. But to her, this felt real. “You’ll never be irrelevant, Em.”
She looked up toward to the sky. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Vivi, let’s talk about camp some more.”
“No,” Caroline said, “it’s OK. She should hear this. I think we shelter our girls from our real feelings, and it makes them grow up thinking there’s something wrong with them when they feel self-conscious.”
“Yeah, Aunt Emmy. I want to know everything,” she said, rapt with attention.
Emerson sighed. “I’ve been doing this for eight years, and I haven’t had my big break. Maybe I need to look at life after Hollywood. I want what the two of you have, you know? I want someone who loves me unconditionally. I want to have something when this is over.”
I opened the paper bag, and steam and the smell of butter rose. I couldn’t imagine being Emerson. The cameras, the lights, the people following her around, wanting to take pictures with her, wanting her autograph. Everyone wanted a piece of my little sister. It must have been exhausting. There were plenty of days that I envied the money and the perks that came along with her life. But there were some major drawbacks, too.
She shook her head and grinned the tiniest bit. “That, Vivi, if you must know, is what’s complicated about Mark. He’ll never leave Peachtree Bluff, and if I’m not ready to quit acting, then we could never be together.”
“It could be kind of romantic,” Caroline said. “A bicoastal life.”
“What would that even look like? I’d fly in on the weekends, see my husband like a third of the time? What kind of life would that be?”
Both my sisters turned to me at the same time, as if it only now occurred to them how much time Adam and I spent apart.
I looked down into my popcorn bag, and Emerson sighed. “I’m tired and frustrated with being so average. Maybe it’s time to give it up.”
I thought back to the dreams I had had. I could see my work hanging in galleries and picture myself in New York, surrounded by fans and selling out at openings.
And then... what? I fell in love. I had children. And I couldn’t find my way back to me. I had obsessed over them so completely, feeling the pressure of being a picture-perfect wife and mother getting heavier and heavier. Now I was in the opposite predicament of Emerson. Where she was beginning to realize that once her career was over, her life would be suddenly, fiercely empty, I was realizing that once my children were in school, I would be forced to admit that I had sacrificed my entire life for them. That was why I was so intent on homeschooling. If they were still at home with me, I didn’t have to face the fact that I had watched all my dreams evaporate into thin air.
“Don’t give up,” I said. “I wish I hadn’t.”
Caroline turned to look at me. We were both wives and mothers. She was the pampered, Park Avenue housewife whose week revolved around Pure Barre and blowouts, and I spent my days in sweats cutting coupons on post. But we were the same. We both knew what it was like to completely sacrifice ourselves for the good of someone else.
“Really?” Emerson said, looking as shocked as I felt that I had just admitted that, even to myself. “Wow.” Emerson and Caroline had always been closer than Emerson and I had been. But I couldn’t help but feel like, with a few simple words, our bond had just been forged more deeply. I was the one who understood the crossroads Emerson was facing.
“Hey, Sloaney,” Caroline said. “We’re almost to Charleston. Could you help get us docked for the night?”
I smiled delightedly even though this wasn’t really my thing. “Come on, Viv,” I said. “You need to learn the ropes.” I winked and added, “We’ll have you boating like a pro before you even get to camp,” as Caroline called, “We’re docking stern to bow!”
“Your mother,” I said, “is the best boat docker I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Even in the roughest currents or trickiest channels, one engine or two, it’s nothing for her to slide right into any dock or slip.”
