She filled up the teapot and turned on the burner. She leaned against the counter and said, “I’m scared too. I’m terrified. I’m terrified every day that Vivi is in the world that something horrible might happen to her.”
“So why do you want to do it again?” I asked.
She leaned over the island toward me. “Because, Sloane, one moment of your child being on earth is worth millions of years of worry. There’s no way to explain how magical it is to bring another life into the world, how soul-satisfying it is to be someone’s mother.”
If I was honest, I had started wondering lately if I could do it, if I could put aside my fear and trust enough to give my husband the thing he wanted most in the world, the thing that loomed between us every time we made love.
“It’s scary as hell,” Caroline said. “In fact, I’d venture to say it’s the scariest thing you’ll ever do.” As the kettle began to sing, Caroline added, “But I swear to you, Sloane, once you have a child, you’ll feel like your life before was black and white. And now everything is in color.”
I realized that night I hadn’t done a thing to convince my sister to give up her fertility project. In fact, quite the opposite. She had convinced me to take up a fertility project of my own. I woke Adam up. He smiled at me sleepily. “What’s shaking, sugar?”
I had had my IUD removed years before, and I was holding my birth control pills in my hand. Adam closed one eye and looked at me. “What are you doing with that?”
“I’m throwing it away.”
“Is it bad or something?” he asked.
I shook my head. “It’s not bad,” I said. “It’s just that I think we should have a baby.”
Adam shot up in bed and looked around. “Is this real? Am I dreaming?”
I kissed him softly and laughed. “You’re not dreaming. I’ve been thinking about it for a few months now. I don’t think I was ready before.”
He nodded and pulled me to him. “You are going to be the best mother in the world. And I promise you I will do everything I can to ease your fear.”
“You already have,” I said.
And I knew, as he pulled me on top of him, that it was true. It might have been Caroline who pushed me over the edge. But it was Adam, with his patience, love, and care every single day, who had made me trust again. And nothing in this world, nothing in my entire life, made me happier than to repay him for that gift.
THIRTY-SIX
our truth
ansley
It seemed fitting that Carter would find out the truth about Caroline and Sloane’s father in Peachtree Bluff, on that boardwalk where we shared our first kiss, against the backdrop of a pink-and-blue, cotton-candy sky. I never really expected, in my heart of hearts, that I could go a lifetime without Carter finding out who Caroline and Sloane’s biological father was. But I assumed, eventually, he would insist I tell him.
It never occurred to me that we would pass Jack on the dock in Peachtree Bluff, that he would be completely shocked by my Emerson-pregnant belly, and that, in that look he gave me, in the simplicity and nothingness of that moment, the secret we had kept for years and years would be revealed.
When Carter ran away from me that afternoon, I didn’t run after him. I knew better. Instead, I took the time to truly thank the man who had given me my family. Things were different between Jack and me that day. The heat between us had cooled some, as it tends to when separated by time and distance and a good dose of grown-up rationality. But I still felt nervous standing beside him, my face flushed and my heart beating a little too fast.
It was only as I walked away from Jack, as I felt that familiar piercing pain around my heart, that it occurred to me how long I had had that feeling. Part of me wanted to go back to him, but I had finally gotten to a place where I knew I had done the right thing. I had finally begun to feel like my life was playing out as it should. Sure, I would be happy for that moment with Jack, but that moment would only lead to months of heartache.
There was no question I had done the right thing. No question, that is, until I got back to the house two hours later.
When I found Carter, he was pacing the length of our bedroom. “Glad you two had time for a quick tryst for old times’ sake,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “Carter, come on. Don’t be ridiculous.”
If I had thought I was nervous with Jack on the dock, it was nothing compared to now. It wasn’t that I thought Carter would leave me, but it was one of the first times in our relationship that I was truly at a loss for what to do. I didn’t know how to make him feel better or how to make this right. The indignant part of me wanted to yell, “You did this! It was your idea! You created this situation to begin with.” It made me realize I still carried anger at him for placing this huge burden onto me.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, placing my hands protectively over Emerson in my belly. Carter took a deep breath and said, “I have never felt so stupid in my entire life. Jack? Really, Ansley? The guy was Jack?”
I sighed. “So would it be better if it were our yard man, Carter? Maybe the plumber? Maybe one of my friends’ husbands? If it were someone you saw every week, would that make you feel better?” I crossed my arms, resting them on my barely protruding belly. “This was going to be terrible no matter what, Carter. Any way we did this, it was going to be awful. So, I’m sorry, but I thought Jack was the best choice. I trust him. He doesn’t want kids. It made sense.”
“You trust him?” Carter practically spat, still pacing.
I felt anger well in me. “So what did you think, Carter? What was your best-case scenario here? How was this ever going to be anything but awful?”
