“I got diagnosed with ADHD kind of late, which made me mad at my dad for not noticing sooner. I acted out, and I was rude to his face and made him feel like a shitty parent. Then I felt guilty and kind of leaned into people-pleasing for a while to make myself feel better. Therapy helped with that too. My dad said he expected it. He said he read all the books, and he was preparing himself on what to do.”
“Okay,” Fallon whispered.
“When all ofthishappened,” Gage said, his voice a little thready, but stronger than it had been before, “I expected to be really sad. And scared. I expected to have nightmares of the assault—even if I couldn’t remember the actual events. I expected to be triggered by the smell of booze or dudes who kind of looked like Jonny. I expected to feel gross after being touched. I thought I would forever be triggered by the thought of having a child. None of that happened. So…I don’t know. I thought maybe I got lucky. That maybe there was nothing I had to cope with. I didn’t realize I was angry for a long time.”
Fallon looked up at him.
“Then I thought I was feeling better because being with you made me so happy. Only…maybe I’m not as happy as I thought I was, because people keep asking me if I’m okay. They keep…they keep assuming I’m not. They think I’m doing all the wrong things to get myself through it.” He went quiet. “And then I lashout and say things I don’t mean, and fuck. If I can’t figure out how I’m going to react at any given moment, how can I be the man you need me to be for you or Mango?”
Fallon licked his lips. “I don’t know.”
Gage knew that was an honest answer, but it was a punch to the gut anyway. Irrationally, he wanted Fallon to tell him that he was fine. That everyone was wrong, and he seemed happy. That he wasn’t worried at all.
But Fallon didn’t lie.
And this wasn’t some magical world where a handful of amazing orgasms and falling in love cured him from everything he’d been through.
“I’m still angry about Charlie,” Fallon whispered.
Gage’s eyes widened. Fallon never talked about him.
“I’m angry at myself for sticking around so damn long, even though I knew he was a terrible boyfriend. I’m angry at myself for—for what happened that night. I wasn’t too drunk to know what I was doing. He’d hurt people I loved, including myself, and I still slept with him. I don’t know what kind of person that makes me.”
“A human one,” Gage said.
Fallon laughed softly. “Yeah. But I understand what you mean. Everything feels upside down sometimes, and I’m afraid that one day, Mango is going to say or do something that looks or sounds like him, and I’m just…going to remember the way it felt when he hit me.”
Gage leaned his head down and let his lips rest against Fallon’s temple. “That might happen.”
“I won’t hate them. But I might hate myself a little more.”
“Will it help if I promise to love you extra hard during those moments?” Gage murmured.
Fallon’s head snapped up, eyes wide. “Do you love me now?”
Gage realized that in all they’d done and everything they’d said, he hadn’t used the words. He’d been afraid they were coming too soon or would be too heavy for Fallon to hold, but that was absurd now that he thought about it.
He shifted over and tugged at Fallon until the other man was straddling his legs. He cupped his face, then leaned in and kissed him. “I do love you. I’m in love with you. I think I have been for a while.”
“Oh.” Fallon knocked their foreheads together. “I love you.”
Gage laughed. “I kind of thought you might.”
“I’m probably more obvious than you,” Fallon said.
He wasn’t entirely sure that was true. He’d been in a fog, and it wasn’t clearing up entirely now, but he could see better. He took Fallon by the chin and kissed him again. “I want you to come with me to my dads’ place tonight. I need to see them. I said some nasty stuff today, and I want to apologize before I go home.”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t mind waiting in the car?—”
“No. I want you to meet them too. We won’t make it a thing. They know about you,” Gage added when Fallon looked hesitant. “They know the rules about Mango. And obviously, my dad has met you.”
Fallon’s cheeks pinked. “I saw him mostly naked. I saw most of your coworkers mostly naked.”
“Yes,” Gage said, “but I’ve seen you all the way naked. I sucked your dick.”
Fallon’s face went bright red. “Please don’t say that in front of them.”
Gage snorted. “I’m not a sadist, my darling.”
