Frankie knelt down and took Gage’s hand in his, meeting his gaze. “I trust you with his life and his happiness. But you’re not going to feel comfortable saying what’s on your mind with me here. Talk to Lucas, okay? I’m going to run a quick errand.” He leaned over and took Lucas by the chin. “Be back soon, princess.”
Lucas flushed a little. Gage knew they usually kept that little nickname private, but he liked hearing it. He liked seeing what it did to Lucas. “Love you.”
“Love you.”
Gage said nothing until the door shut, and then he knocked his head back against the counter and leaned into Lucas’s arms. His best friend wrapped around him—not as all-encompassing as Frankie had done, but close.
“Talk to me,” Lucas said.
Gage closed his eyes. “I don’t know if I’m the right man for Fallon. I’m so…I don’t know. I feel good and fine one second, and the next, I feel like I want to scream until my vocal cords give out. And I know for a fact that I want this with him, but I’mnot sure this baby deserves some fucked-up, broken man as a father figure.”
“You’re neither of those things.”
“I am,” Gage said. “I mean, I know I’m not. But I feel like I’m shattered in all these pieces, and if I put myself together, there will be a bunch missing. I don’t know how I can be what Fallon or the baby deserves.”
“You don’t have to do this. You can love Fallon but also not be part of this if it’s going to hurt you,” Lucas said.
Gage sniffed and swallowed past a lump in his throat. “It’s not going to hurt me. I know that I’m going to get through this. I’ll stop being angry. I’ll learn to compartmentalize better and handle my triggers. But doesn’t that baby deserve someone who isn’t…like me? Doesn’t Fallon?”
Lucas was quiet for a long time. Eventually, he picked up Gage’s hand and gently began to play with his fingers. “I don’t really know what to say. I don’t think you’re broken. I don’t think pain and trauma breaks people, but I also know firsthand how it feels that way. I know the feeling of not wanting to inflict yourself on someone you think is perfect.”
Gage knew Lucas had struggled to make things official with Frankie. He just didn’t realize how deep that struggle had gone.
“If I was going to trust anyone to raise a kid, it would be you. I don’t think this is a do-over after what happened with those assholes. I think this thing with Fallon is a giant coincidence. I think you’re allowed to have panic attacks and snap at your dad because sometimes he doesn’t say things in the best way.”
“I—well. Yeah,” Gage said.
“I think he would also trust you above almost anyone else to raise a child. And I know what that pressure is like. I know the doubt. There are people all over the world who would think that Elodie would be better in fucking foster care than with a blind, autistic stepdad.”
“Fuck them,” Gage snapped.
Lucas laughed and shook his head. “Uh-huh. Exactly. I think the only thing you need to know is that you don’thaveto do this. That you are going to be good. And you’ll fuck up because all parents fuck up. We’re people. And you still need time to heal because you’re the kind of person who wants to flip a switch and make it be over—and that’s never going to happen.”
“Fuck. I know. I just hate that so much,” Gage said, rubbing his hands over his face. That was exactly right. The problem was, he’d identified the problem. He’d located the source, and he’d cut it off. He’d bandaged his wounds, and he wasn’t bleeding out. There were no permanent consequences for everything that happened.
His outside wounds had healed, but they were still forming scars, and his inside wounds, well…those were taking longer.
He just didn’t understand why he couldn’t make all the anger go away. The people who hurt him had been tried and convicted.
So why didn’t he have an off switch where he could go back to being the person he was before all this?
Logically, he knew the answer.
But his head wasn’t always logical.
“Is Fallon willing to be patient with you?” Lucas asked.
Gage swallowed down a few mouthfuls of water. His Xanax was starting to work. His limbs were heavier, and he was getting tired. He lolled his head to the side to look at his best friend. “He is.”
“Does he have big expectations about your healing journey?”
Gage couldn’t help a small laugh. “No. He’s probably too patient and understanding.”
“There’s no such thing, but I also think you have your answer. You aren’t broken. And hurt people are allowed to have children, so long as they want them. That’s the big thing here, babe,” Lucas said, taking his other hand and holding them both.“It’s about what you want. Not what or who you have to be. Let yourself be angry until you’re less angry. Let yourself be hurt until you’re less hurt. And love Fallon and the eventual kid if that’s who you want to love.”
“I do,” Gage said, because fuck, he really, really did. “I want to be good for them. I don’t want it to be like us, you know? The one parent who looked at us and went, uhg, no thank you, and fucking left. And then our other parent falling to pieces for a while because they didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Preacher, I am the choir,” Lucas said, lifting a hand into the air like he was at a gospel service.
