And he had. He’d been there every time I’d gone to Bas’ bedside, because I’d refused to talk to him given the situation, and he’d silently agreed not to torment me with his reasons for being back in my life.
Now though, I had to hear what those reasons were. And I’d be lying to myself if I said I was ready to hear them.
Troian looked as he always did, calm and collected. He’d always been the even to my odd, the calm to my storm. But our likeness was unmatched, sharing black hair and our undisrupted olive skin, the same dark eyes, the very vision of our Vietnamese-Korean blended perfection. We looked so much alike that it was good that he’d always been partial to a buzzcut, otherwise people wouldn’t be able to tell us apart as individuals.Our parents had once said they’d had to temporarily put a permanent marker to our skin with different colors just to keep the right twin apart on the drive back from the hospital after our birth.
Just thinking about our parents had my mood plummeting, so I refocused on Troian’s attempt at a smile to ease the tension, and cleared my throat.
“I’m sorry for ignoring you and for prolonging this,” I nodded. “There’s just been a lot going on.”
“I get it. I’ve done my best to be understanding. I just hope that I can finally explain why I’m here. Or why I want to be back in your life, if that’s something you’d be open to as well.”
“I’m…apprehensive,” I admitted, giving him a nod. “As I’m sure you can understand….given how we left things the last time you were here.”
Sighing a depth of air out of his chest, Troian shook his head. “I’m not here to make excuses for what I did to you, Thayer. I meant what I said back at your apartment when Bas got us to have that initial little talk. I know what I did to you is beyond fucked up, and all I can say is that version of your brother doesn’t exist. I’m not that guy anymore. All I want is the chance to explain why I’m different, and what I’ve done in the years since I betrayed your trust.”
That was one hell of a preamble. I wanted to trust Troian again, to believe that he really was sober and clean and had changed into a better version of himself. But I’d heard this story before, heard that he was doing better, only to find out it was a smokescreen to ask me for money, or a way to get his next fix. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, go back to that place, to enable the behavior and be a part of his problem anymore. I couldn’t fucking do it.
“It’s been over five years, Troy.” I said, surprised how easily my nickname for him came back to my tongue and not revolting to be spoken. “Five and a half years since you posed as me and stole the money I was banking on to always have in caseanything ever happened. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to move on from that.”
“And that’s your right to choose whether you can or not,” Troian nodded as I notated the tears dancing in the corners of his eyes. “I’m not telling you what to do. I’m not going to sit here and act like I have earned the right to beg you to forgive me. I just want to explain myself, explain how I’m different, and everything else, whether you want to have a relationship with me going forward, whether you want to forgive me or not, is entirely your decision. All I’m asking is for you to listen before you decided either of those things.”
Seemed fair enough, my chest rising and falling in slow movements thinking about the pain and hurt I was about to sit and listen to. But I needed to hear it in order to move on, in order to potentiallynotneed to go to group anymore, even though the crutch of having it as an option again made me feel so much more stable. I wanted to be stable enough not to need to go, and that was only going to happen after I heard what Troian had to say.
“Alright,” I told him before clearing my throat and mirroring his hands on the table, folding my own over each other. “I’m listening.”
Shifting in the booth, Troian wasted no time in relaying his history to me, seemingly needing to be rid of it as much as I needed to hear him out.
“When I tried to leave town with Dom,” I winced inwardly at the mention of his asshole ex that had helped convince him that robbing me of my portion of the life insurance money was the best way for them to find their next fix. “After he took all the money with him, I was so fucking lost. I couldn’t believe that I’d betrayed you like that, and the universe made sure to pay me back by making sure that Dom did the same fucking thing to me that I’d just done to you. I deserved every ounce of hurt from that.”
He only paused because the waitress had returned to ask for our orders. We both asked for a glass of water, and I’d opted for a standard cheeseburger and fries while my brother ordered a footlong hotdog with extra mustard and chili. She quietly and quickly scribbled our order on her designated pad and left us to it, sensing that we were there for something far more serious than the type of food the diner had to offer.
Once she was out of earshot, Troian continued. “Once Dom was gone and I was broke as hell, I wandered around from town to town, offering my body in exchange for money.” He’d apparently told this to Bas, so I’d heard it secondhand, but it didn’t make the realization any less gut-wrenching to hear about. “I went through withdrawal so fucking bad, I didn’t think I’d survive. But I did. I was still using, but only buying enough to try and ween myself off of the shit.” Troian folded his hands, separating them to sprawl them over the artificial top of the table. “I didn’t even realize I’d made it all the way to Massachusetts until I’d hitched a ride and saw the sign for myself.”
Massachusetts? That certainly wouldn’t have been where I’d thought Troian would end up after being out of options here in Piper. I guess I hadn’t thought much about what he’d been through in the past five or so years. I’d made a pledge to myself to not get involved, not even to entertain the idea that he’d been okay. I’d been reserved to the fact that my brother just might have been dead.
Regret and guilt coursed through me then as I stared into the glossy eyes he had now telling his tale, immediately wanting to reach out to comfort him. Whether it was my pride or my resolve, I remained motionless as he went on.
“I was determined to get clean, and being in a completely unrecognizable place felt like what I needed in order to make it happen.” A brief smile flashed across his lips, but it vanished, as if Massachusetts held a lot of triumph for Troian, but also a well of pain. “I found a job at a local coffee shop, replacing my vicefor illegal substances with caffeine. I also managed to find a program that helped me stay sober, so I was fully equipped with everything I needed to better myself. The only thing standing in my way was me. And I’m very proud to say that I’ve stayed clean. I just celebrated five years sober right before I came back to Piper.”
“That’s great, Troian.” I said, meaning it more than I’d expected to. The fact that he’d been at rock bottom and managed to get clean all by himself was a feat. He deserved to be praised for that. “I’m proud of you, that’s an incredible accomplishment.”
“Thanks,” He grunted in response, sitting back in the booth to cross his arms. “I know I don’t deserve that, but I appreciate you saying it.”
“You stayed sober all by yourself,” I mustered. “Regardless of how this conversation ends, I can never take that away from you. You should feel nothing but pride about being able to clean yourself up.”
He smiled sheepishly, turning his head as the waitress returned with our food. We thanked her, sliding our plates toward us, slowly starting to pick away at our food. I was sipping on my water when Troian decided to pick up where he’d previously dropped the story.
“I was by myself for those first few years,” He said through the fries he munched on that had accompanied his hotdog. “Never getting close enough to anyone for even a friendship, too focused on my recovery. But that all changed when Alec Cross walked into the coffee shop I worked at and altered my life for the better.”
Smiling, not knowing who the fuck this Alec guy was, I made a show of grabbing my cheeseburger so I wouldn’t feel compelled to interrupt him while I savored my food.
“Alec was just a guy who came in to get coffee every morning before work,” Troian told me with a long-lost glaze onhis face, recalling the past through rose-colored fog. “He’d moved back to town so that his mother could be closer to her family, I eventually learned. I never thought he’d be anything other than another customer. But he started flirting with me one day, gave me his number, and asked me out. I was apprehensive to start dating again, even though at that point I’d been sober for two years. But we hit it off. And he was nice, Thayer. In a way I had never experienced before. He was good to me, too good to me.”
I could sense where this was going, and I stalled the pursuit on my food, too worried about the shift in storytelling to keep eating. “What happened?”
Troian’s face darkened, overcome by a macabre sheen that settled on his face a little too easily. I recognized it as the void of emotion he’d been wearing ever since he’d shown up in Piper. This was his new default, presumably because of what he’d been through.
“Everything was amazing for a while. Alec and I were so in love, we moved in together, we celebrated holidays and birthdays together. He helped me celebrate my sober milestones.” Troian’s demeanor shook, his eyes wobbling, seeing him really break free from the emotionless shell he’d been presented as the protective dam he’d been portraying was obliterated. “Then Alec got sick.”
