“Kroven can take care of Diana just as well as I can,” Bas countered with a flippant laugh. “If you want me there as an anchor for your first time back to group, I’ll be there.”
“But what if they ask you to speak?”
“Then I’ll speak if I want to, or I can decline.” Bas soured his features. “Which is exactly what you can do too, Thayer. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to either.”
“No, I don’t want to. Ineedto. I need to get out why I’m feeling this way so I can hurry up and move beyond it.”
Bas took his arm from around me, grabbing at my hand from where it rested on the couch with his. I followed the action with my eyes and then rested them to stare into his blue ones.
“Then I’ll be there. Whatever you need.”
His smile made me mimic the gesture, and I squeezed his hand back, grateful that I had a best friend that cared about me enough to put themselves out just so I could have some semblance of what appeared to be peace of mind.
I just hoped that I could make it until I could find a meeting that aligned with my less than routine type of work schedule.
Chapter 4
Being backat group felt weird. I hadn’t been to a single meeting in years, so walking through the doors of the local community center for my first meeting in the better part of a decade was overwhelming, but also incredibly cathartic.
Talking about what had been throwing me for a mental acrobatic routine I never asked to participate in was just what I’d needed. Having Bas by my side through it all only helped encourage me to purge my feelings. I was ecstatic to notice a handful of familiar faces from group, the same people I’d been here with over the past ten years were still here, still talking about their problems because we’d all bonded over the things going awry in our lives.
I talked about it all. How Troian’s resurgence back into my life made me feel worried that he was going let me down again, that he was going to hurt me even more than he had the last time. How Bas moving out was making me feel equally elated that he was happy and moving in with the love of his life and saddened over my lack of direction, as well as enduring the emptiness that now resided in his place within the apartment.How work was going great, but I wasn’t used to being more of a center of attention and known for anything specific. Everyone in group hadn’t known my line of work since the last time I’d been here, so telling them that I was an exotic dancer was a little awkward, but again it felt good to speak the truth so openly.
I left out the parts about the private dance with Qwill. I only mentioned that I’d been requested personally now and how that was making me feel. While I didn’t know what exactly my feelings had been during the private dance, or after, I sure as hell wasn’t ready to explain it to a room full of strangers when I still didn’t understand it myself.
Of course, I’d gotten the advice I’d been expecting: I needed to talk things out with Troian, to set my boundaries at work if I wasn’t comfortable, and find someone to fill Bas’ vacancy if I didn’t want to pay for the entire apartment by myself. I wasn’t sure I was interested in looking for a roommate, but I could for sure take the time required to mull things over and figure out what it was I wanted, in all avenues that I’d discussed.
More than anything, it just felt good to talk and have people listen. Bas and I always only had each other, and sometimes it felt like too much of an echo chamber when we talked to one another, knowing that the other would ultimately agree in the end.
After group ended for the night, the long goodbye started. Some people stuck around to chat and catch up. And since Bas and I hadn’t been around in a while, people that we recognized from before wanted to talk to us. I had just escaped another update session, trotting over to the table in the back of the room to grab a cup of coffee and a powdered doughnut, grateful for the second alone. Bas was a trooper for still conversing with everyone, and I was inclined to leave him to it while I snacked.
Since I’d purged my feelings, or at least most of them that I felt had been holding me back, my soul felt lighter. Lighter thanit had since I could remember, but definitely since Bas had declared that he was moving out and my twin brother had decided to be the dark cloud in my life again.
“Thayer.”
The uttering of my name in a happy tone caught me off guard, and I turned away from the refreshments table to see the smile of an older gentleman with smooth dark skin. Wiping the powder that I was sure on my face with the back of my hand, I swallowed my food before giving him a smile.
“Claude,” I noticed his outstretched hand and I shook it quickly to ease the familiar connection from growing awkward. “It’s good to see you.”
Claude was in charge of leading group. He’d been with the community center for way longer than when Bas and I had first shown up to be a part of the group. There was something nurturing about Claude’s energy, warm and positive. He was a driving force around why I’d stuck around with group even after Bas had decided to leave before me, and why I’d felt so guilty about leaving myself when I had. He was such a positive force and everyone here was lucky to have a man like him guiding them to the better versions of themselves if they were open to meeting them.
“You as well,” Claude said with a wide beam of a smile, clapping a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. “I was surprised to see you and Bas this morning.”
“Yeah, Bas just came as my emotional support.” I laughed nervously. “This was really for me.”
“Well, I’m glad you both came and that, hopefully, you were able to get some things off your chest.”
“Definitely.” I nodded back, meaning it with every fiber of my being. “Thanks for letting us come back without any sort of complication.”
“You both are always welcome here, you know that.” Claude tilted his head, squaring his black eyes so that he could peer intomine. “At least, I would hope you know that.” His curly mop of dark hair wavered as he scoffed while running a hand through it. It was something I tended to do myself, so I was acutely aware that he was nervous about what he was about to say next. “Actually, I wanted to tell you something, now that we’re alone.”
Panic throbbed in my skull like burning ends of magma attached to the inner workings of my bone marrow. I couldn’t think of a single thing that Claude could have to talk to me about, so I just gave him a nod. Hopefully after today, after this meeting, I’d stop being so goddamn jumpy around topic changes.
“Your brother stopped by the other day.”
My brow quirked as my brain itched with impossibility. How the fuck had Troian found this group? This specific group? The group that I’d come to speak with during our parents’ death, the group that had heard about how my own twin had swindled me out of my cut of the life insurance money our parents had left us?
“What are you talking about?”
