“No, of course not,” Kit replies, rolling her eyes. “But only up to a few days ago, you had zero ambition of changing that, and I don’t think you really want to now. This is all about making yourself feel better, and I sort of get it, but to drag Cleo into it…no, River, that’s not right.”
I remain silent because I knew Kit wouldn’t like it, but I didn’t realise she’d feel like this or see me in such a basic light.
“Bloody hell, Kit,” Cheddar pipes up. “Cleo is a grown woman who made the choice to do this. That’s not on River.”
“No, you’re right, but it will be on River when she inevitably breaks Cleo’s heart. You can’t seriously think this is a good idea, Cheddar? Boot?”
I look at my friends. Cheddar looks back at me and smiles. “I think they can do whatever they want and it’s not for us to judge.”
“The only thing I’m not thrilled about is it being on board,” Boot says. “And that’s only because I don’t want Romeo to get in the shit with Benson. If he finds out, she’ll likely be shipped off to Scotland or something.”
Kit gets to her feet and slams the bed frame. “Are you all crazy?”
I think that’s a rhetorical question.
“River, don’t do this. Seriously, you’re gonna hurt her, and for what? To prove you’re good in the sack?”
My throat feels clogged with an emotion I can’t name.
“What happens when she gets serious, and you freak out? ’Coz we know you will.”
I’ve never felt a barb cut so deep. Kit has zero faith in me, and sadly, I’m not surprised. I’ve only shared Romeo with them, and very little of River. Oh, they think they know me, and to a point they do. Better than anyone in my life, but I still haven’t revealed all of myself, because that literally leads to pain. I learned that from my parents, and yes, I know it’s a bullshit cliché. Boohoo, she had a bit of a crap childhood. But that’s all I’ve ever had to work with, and it’s shaped me.
I’d love nothing more than to wake up one day, feeling free to open my heart to people, but it’s not going to happen. Not overnight, anyway. I was just glad I felt something different with Cleo. Now I’m wishing I didn’t, because apparently I’m going to fuck it up no matter what I do.
“Let’s not forget the situation you’re putting us in,” Kit continues. “It’s selfish, River. If you get caught with the admiral’s daughter, we’re all in for a bollocking. God, Benson would just fucking love it. Is a shag really worth it?”
“We’re not sleeping together,” I say weakly.
Kit scoffs. “It won’t take you long, Riv. You’ll charm her and she’ll give in like they all do.”
Wow, this is fucking brutal.
“Kit,” Cheddar barks. “You are way out of line right now. River is your fucking sister, what the fuck are you doing?”
I hold up my hand. “Thanks, Cheddar, I appreciate you saying that, but clearly Kit’s had some things she’s needed to get off her chest.”
“It’s not like that,” Kit says with frustration. “I’ve watched you sleep your way through the world’s population for years, and that’s cool.”
“Oh, glad you think so.”
“It’s cool because even though you are an egomaniac, and cocky, you’ve never intentionally hurt a woman. You’re all about consent and telling it to them straight. This isn’t that, River. Cleo doesn’t know what she’s signing up for. I mean, come on. You freaked out when a woman you had sex with slipped her number into your trouser pocket before you snuck away once. Do you remember?”
I do, and she’s not wrong. “But that woman wasn’t Cleo,” I say.
“No, Cleo is the first woman to knock your confidence. She didn’t fall for the routine, and now, whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re using her.”
Kit takes a step towards me, and I feel myself wanting to shrink back from her.
“I’m only saying this to stop you crossing a line.” Kit takes my hand and the look in her eyes reminds me that she’s always had my back and I can hear the kindness in her voice. “You’ve never wanted a relationship, River. Never in the entire time I’ve known you.”
“How will you date?” Boot asks, completely bypassing Kit’s extremely hurtful speech.
“Oh, they had their first date this evening,” Cheddar says. “It was really sweet actually.”
I close my eyes and breathe out slowly through my nose. I love how Cheddar is so chuffed with the date, but I’d really like her to shut up.
Kit sighs. “Christ, you’ve already dragged Cheddar into this?”
