“Seriously, are you okay? What happened last night? I know something was bothering you, Riv.”
Phew, here it is. The moment whereI, River Dawson,voluntarilyspeak about emotions and feelings. It makes me feel kind of weird and gross.
“Yeah, something was up with me last night, and…and I want to talk about it.”
I resist the urge to get up and walk out of the lounge when Cheddar’s eyebrows hit her hairline in surprise.
“Okay,” she finally responds. “You know I’ve got your back, mate.”
My mouth is suddenly dry, so I sink the rest of my beer. I could do with another one, but Kit really will skin my hide if we raid the fridge again.
“I…we…fuck. Okay. Look, it’s a little complicated.”
Cheddar furrows her eyebrows. “Riv, seriously. What happened?”
So I do. I word vomit everything that happened last night and this morning. I tell her—awkwardly—how I’ve been feeling about my night with Cleo, her reaction and my response to that.
I can’t say silence falls because we’re on a massive ship. It’s never silent, but there is a lack of noise coming from our mess. Cheddar is looking at me like she’s trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube.
“Fancy saying something?” I laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
Blowing out a puff of air, Cheddar reclines in her seat. “You just said more words in a few minutes than in our entire friendship, Riv. Give me a minute.”
She’s staring at me like I’ve just told her I’m joining the circus. Or maybe like I’ve grown a second head. I can practically see the wheels turning—trying to reconcile the River she knows (the one who doesn’t do feelings) with the River sitting in front of her (the one who just admitted she cares about someone).
“Bit dramatic. I talk all the time.”
“Never about this sort of stuff. I mean, I thought you loved the bachelorette lifestyle.”
“I do!” I protest instinctively before taking a breath. “I did. Seriously, I can’t explain it to myself, so no chance of getting you to understand. Cleo is different for some reason.”
“Enough to change who you are, River?”
I shrug. “Maybe the playgirl isn’t who I am anymore.”
She cocks her eyebrow. “Really?”
It irritates me. Does she not think I’m capable of growing as a person? DoIthink I’m capable? Fuck, I’m irritated at myself, not Cheddar. Of course she’s questioning me…I’vebeen questioning me.
Another shrug. “I don’t know, but I want to find out.”
“And Cleo is all on board with this…”
“Dating experiment.”
“Right…dating experiment.”
“It took a bit of convincing.”
Cheddar lifts her second eyebrow so now both are at the top of her forehead, displaying her utter shock at my madness. “River, convincing someone to date you isn’t a great start.”
“Only because she’s been hurt before…by a sailor. I get it, but I know she feels something for me too. At least attraction, even if it’s surface-deep.”
“And that’s enough for you to chuck away your rulebook?”
A frustrated sigh whooshes from my mouth. “I don’t know, Cheddar, but what else could I do? She’s in my brain like a fucking parasite!”
Chuckling, Cheddar drains the rest of her drink. “Interesting way to describe your…whatever she is.”
