Beth
My heart banged in my chest. Was he flirting with me? No, of course not. He loved Sunny. I loved Sunny. We were close friends, like you are when you like your best friend’s boyfriend. Nothing more.
“You’re really very pretty, Beth,” Ryan had said. “You don’t make a point of standing out, though. You hide yourself, hide your beauty. Most of the sorority members, they show off. You aren’t like them.”
I know I smiled and showed my dimple before self-consciously turning away. I’d never had this kind of attention from a man like Ryan.
The bartender placed our next round of margaritas in front of us. My head felt dizzy; my heart felt a buzzy happiness. But this was wrong, I told myself: He was Sunny’s boyfriend.
“Sunny is very pretty, and Sunny never shows off,” I said. Itook a sip of my unneeded drink. The salt stung my sunburned lip, but I was beyond feeling pain.
“Sunny is just that. But so are you,” Ryan said. He stood then and searched his pockets.
“What are you doing?” I asked as I watched him recheck his pockets.
“Well, it’s odd, but I can’t find my room key,” he said. “I swear I had it at dinner. It must have slipped out of my pocket. Shit. The office will be closed by the time we get back, and I don’t want to wake Sunny by knocking on our door. Guess I’m bunking in the lobby tonight.”
I smiled. He was a friend. I had my own room. “OK, listen, you can sleep in my room as long as you agree to stay on your side of the bed. And you better not snore.”
Ryan raised his margarita, his blue eyes sparkling. “I promise. Thank you. You’re a good friend.”
But I wasn’t. We woke up the next morning, groggy and hungover. We promised never to speak of it, and never to repeat it. But I never forgot it.
“That night…” Ryan says now, breaking into my memories. I look at him, so handsome then, so different now, sitting in the chair across from me, in my room, yet again.
“We both loved her. We need to focus on that,” I say and take a deep breath. I don’t want to talk about Sunny, not until I’m far away from here and her ghost. And I don’t want to discuss that night.
“But if I hadn’t slept in your room,” he says and pushes his hand through his hair. I can see the pain in his eyes.
“Stop. Sunny’s death was a tragedy, Ryan, but it wasn’t your fault,” I say. “Please, focus on the future, on Zach, and the wedding of our fabulous kids.”
Ryan smiles, stands, and takes a step closer to me. “You know, I purchased this place as a penance for not being there for Sunny. I thought if I saved this place from being torn down, this place that looks too much like the Desert Sunrise, that if I saved it, I was saving her. I know it doesn’t make any sense.”
“None of it really makes sense,” I say, taking a step back, away from him. “We all are doing the best we can.”
“I plan to move here, full time, and try to remember the happy times, before she died, before everything changed,” he says. “She’s here, you know.”
“No, you can’t bring her back, as much as I’d like to. I think you need help,” I say. “I miss her every day too. But, Ryan, you’ve taken this too far.”
“No, she’s here,” he says. “You’ll meet her someday soon. Maybe today.”
Now he’s lost it. I need to get out of here. People live their lives with all types of illusions and delusions. I guess whatever works, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else. He’s harmless, I remind myself as my heart thuds in my chest, a grieving, confused, and unhappy man.
Ryan starts talking again. “That’s why I married Roxy, I guess. It was what I deserved for not being there for Sunny. I would suffer through a marriage of convenience with a womanI could barely stand, to atone for my sins. Except Zach. He was an unforeseen blessing.”
“Kids get you through a lot,” I say. “It’s been only me and Celeste, really from the beginning. I don’t know what I would have done without her to care for. She gave my life purpose.”
“You did a great job with her,” Ryan says. “She’s a remarkable young woman. Zach is a lucky guy.”
“Thank you,” I say and make a move toward the door. Celeste is getting married. I still cannot believe how fast life goes, how quickly she morphed from a colicky baby to a beautiful woman on the cusp of marriage.
“Beth,” Ryan says, “you know it’s over between Roxy and me. It has been, long before it even began. That’s why this house, this remodel, and the love I found here have saved me.”
“I was always surprised by that choice, when you decided to marry Roxy,” I say. I thought, in my dreams perhaps, he would have picked me. Now I know I dodged a bullet.
“It was a bad choice, solely based on the pregnancy,” he says. “I should have asked you on a date. You were Sunny’s true friend, and mine too. I was so confused during that time, so sad.”
He reaches his hand out to me. Every nerve ending in my body is screamingrun. I take a deep breath. I don’t want him to see my fear. I ignore his gesture but keep my eyes locked on his.
