Alannah released a sigh. “Why is Bellamy so good at seeing the dynamics in everyone else’s relationships but unable to see what’s going on in his own?”
“That’s just it. We don’t have a relationship. It’s all just pretend.” Well, maybe notallpretend. Their attraction was very real and had only grown the longer they were together.
“Zaira,” Alannah said gently, “I can see you have feelings for him.”
Was it that obvious? If Alannah had noticed, what if Bellamy had been able to all along? And what if that had driven him away?
Zaira leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. What matters is that he has been insistent from the start of our fake relationship that he doesn’t want to marry me.”
“It’s obvious he has feelings for you too.”
In the bedroom, Kiernan had said she and Bellamy were both already in love with each other and would soon realize it. As much as she wished her brother was right, he wasn’t. Bellamy had shut down any hope of a future together.
“The fact is, feelings or not, Bellamy isn’t ready to get married.”
She appreciated that he wanted to protect her reputation and was a man of honor. But after all he’d revealed about his mam, it was clear he still had too many issues to work through before he would be ready to consider marriage to her or anyone else. Maybe he already knew that, and maybe that was one of the reasons why he’d wanted to postpone Oscar’s matchmaking.
Whatever the case, she needed to get away from everyone. Even though she wanted to be the one to take care of Bellamywhile he was injured and recovering, she was afraid that if she stayed, Kiernan and Da and even Bellamy would eventually pressure her into the wedding.
The other sad truth was that she didn’t want to be around Da, not after he’d called her writing nonsense and childish. Oh aye, she’d disappointed him, probably more than any of her other siblings.
But he’d disappointed her, too, with his unwillingness to consider that writing was important to her. Instead of listening and giving some credence to her pursuit, he’d dismissed it, and that hurt maybe even more than his stern insistence that she marry Bellamy whether she wanted to or not.
Oh aye, she needed to escape the weight of the damage she’d brought to her family and seclude herself at Oakland. She wouldn’t be able to hide from her mam there. But at least she’d be out of the city and away from Bellamy and all the reminders of her mistakes.
“I need to go back to Oakland,” she whispered.
“Are you sure?” Alannah whispered in return.
She nodded. “Will you stay and take care of Bellamy in my stead? I just can’t do it. I’m afraid I’ll give in too easily and marry him, and then we’ll both be miserable.”
Alannah squeezed her hand. “I’ll see to him, so I will.”
More tears welled in Zaira’s eyes. “Thank you.”
Alannah was silent for a few long seconds before speaking again quietly. “You should know, you’re one of the bravest women I know. God gave you a gift with your writing. It took valor to push forward and get published.”
“I lied to make it happen.”
“I’ll not be saying that dishonesty was the right choice. But it’s also not right that in the climb to the same peak,women have to take a path that is more winding and twice as long as a man’s straight hike.”
Zaira liked Alannah’s analogy. If anyone could understand the difficulties for women in getting work, Alannah could because she’d had a hard time obtaining employment as an editor even though she excelled at it.
“But you climbed the impossible trail to publication,” Alannah continued, “and I believe you’ll find a way to keep doing it, this time without having to hide it.”
Would she, though? Zaira hadn’t given thought to what she would do next with her novel and the weekly newspaper column. She supposed in a way she’d given up and tossed her dreams into the rubbish bin when Da had thrown her manuscript there. Maybe she’d thought of allowing her da to have his way, that he’d forgive her and she’d regain his approval.
But the same question as before echoed in her mind: Why should she worry about making him happy when he didn’t consider her well-being and what she wanted—needed—in her life?
A flame of indignation flared back to life inside her, the same indignation that had flared there when she’d walked away from the men in her bedroom a short while ago. Alannah was right. Godhadgiven her a gift with her writing. She loved it, she was good at it, and she couldn’t just cast it aside because her da thought it was nonsense and childish.
No, she needed to keep pushing forward with publication for herself and for all the other women who wanted to use their God-given gifts too. Maybe if she persevered, she’d eventually make the way easier for women authors who would come after her.
She stood, resolution stiffening her backbone. She knew what she needed to do on her way out of the city. She needed to stop by the rubbish bin behind the bank, pull out the chapter Da had thrown away, and then drop it off at theDaily Republican. She’d explain herself to Mr. Knapp and this time be completely honest with him.
She could only hope he’d give her a second chance.
24
