“But I made her see that reflection. What if she’d have lived a normal and healthy life if she hadn’t been forced into that situation?”
He strokes a hand down my back. “You can’t think like that. You can’t. Besides, there are plenty of people like Danielle in the world. Whether she encountered her worst qualities through your magic or someone who truly possessed them, she’d likely have reacted the same.”
I know there’s logic in his words, but I resist latching onto them. There’s still a chance my magic is responsible for my father’s death, even if in some roundabout way. If that proves to be the case, there will be no forgiving myself. Not if I’ve had the choice all along to keep from using my magic at all.
“Astrid,” Torben growls in warning.
With a grunt, I pull myself out of his arms. I wipe furiously at my eyes but find my tears have dried. “Stop smelling my emotions.”
He plants his hands on his hips. “Then stop being so damn hard on yourself!”
“You don’t get to control me.”
“Then get control of yourself.”
I scoff. “You’re one to talk when you’re the one who nearly ripped out Danielle’s throat.”
He snaps his mouth shut, his face going ashen. It gives me no small amount of pleasure to see him at a loss for words.
I narrow my eyes. “Why did you try to attack her, anyway?”
His jaw shifts side to side before he answers. “I’m sorry. I lost control.”
“Yes, but why?”
“Because she said vile things about you.”
My irritation settles enough to allow my curiosity to grow. “Is it because of my magic? Because of how it makes you see me?”
I know the impression my magic creates disappears when I’m not using it, but my control slipped right before he lunged for her. Is that why he flew into a rage? Because he suddenly saw me as the crying babe he found on the lakeshore so many years ago?
“Astrid, I think you know we’ve moved well beyond a superficial impression by now. What I did had nothing to do with you being small or vulnerable.”
“Then why?”
He steps in close again and lifts a tentative hand toward my face. I shudder as his palm settles against my cheek. He brushes his thumb lightly along my cheekbone. The gentle touch stands in stark contrast with the sudden darkening of his tone. “Because no one threatens your life in my presence unless they have a death wish. It’s bad enough I had to stand before Queen Tris and hear the way she talks about you without being able to lift a hand against her.”
My eyes go wide at such a fierce declaration. If this isn’t my magic, then what is it?
I can’t help but think of the night we shared, the tender way he kissed me before I fell asleep. The way my chest opened, the way I wondered if what we shared was more than…
I shake my head, reminding myself of what he said this morning. Steeling my nerve, I meet his eyes with a pointed look. “This isn’t very professional, Huntsman,” I say, tone mocking.
His hand freezes along my cheek. “Is that what you want?”
“It’s whatyouwant.”
“You clearly don’t know what I want.” His voice is so deep it’s almost a growl. My toes curl as a shudder runs down my back. He leans in closer, so close I can smell the sweet cherries on his breath. “I told you to come to me if you wanted more of me after last night. When you entered the parlor this morning and I scented your shame and embarrassment, I thought I knew your answer, which is why I said what I did. Even if I was wrong, I thought I was making the right choice. But now…now I’m not so sure.”
“You’re not sure about what?”
He trails his fingers from my cheek to the bottom of my ear, then brushes them along my jawbone. “Not sure if it matters that fate might tear us apart, either by danger, punishments, or deadly bargains. I’m not sure if I can live—whether a short life or a long one—without having more of you.”
I stare up at him. Fire burns hot in my core, searing away all my hurt, all my grief, guilt, and sorrow. As I look into his honey-colored irises, I feel as if nothing else matters. Only this. This moment where I can stare into someone’s eyes without feeling the need to hide. Where I can look at someone without seeing the qualities I reflect back. I’m not sure when I released my magic, but I know it’s gone right now. Not even a hum of it remains.
“Astrid.” The sound of my name on his lips sounds like a plea. A question. “I can see you right now. All of you. I see your gray eyes, your blue-black hair as dark as a midnight sky. I see your coral lips. Your flushed cheeks. And I seeyou. Your bravery. Your courage. You are so beautiful. So strong. Fragile too, but not weak. Never weak. You’re incredible.”
Tears prick my eyes at his words. How many times have I wished I could hearyou arefollowed by things that are true about me? How many times have I wished to be seen and accepted? All my life I thought I wanted those things, and yet I’ve hidden behind my magic. Unconsciously, perhaps, but I have. But with Torben…somehow with him, it’s been easy.
