He smirks. “Would I be here right now if I were?”
I shrug. “If you’d chosen Vanessa…then I wouldn’t blame you for being eager to get away.”
“I didn’t choose Vanessa,” he says with a chuckle. “I didn’t choose anyone. The competition has been postponed. It has been ever since the attack.”
“Because of your injuries?” I reach for his shirt collar and pull it gently back to reveal more of the bandaged wound. Just seeing the place Zara cut him with her sea glass blade sends a fresh wave of rage through me. I place my hand back over his pulsing heart.
Dorian leans closer until our foreheads touch. I keep my head angled down so my lips stay well out of reach. “Because the person I want to choose is no longer part of the contest.”
My breaths grow sharp and shallow. “We both know you can’t choose me. Just because you know the truth…it doesn’t change your situation.”
“I heard what Zara said. I don’t need the church to become a citizen. The only fae I needed to fear had been Zara all along. Well, and…you.”
I wince at that, but when I pull back to look up at him, he wears a crooked smile. “Does that mean you’re leaving the church?”
His expression falls a little. “No. I made vows and the church has already done everything for me that they said they would. I can’t go back on my side of the promise.”
“Then what is there left for us?”
“I’ve spoken to Father Viktor. I told him what I learned from Zara, how the assassination attempt had been personal. Then I asked him to allow me to follow my heart. Told him if he really wants to improve the church’s reputation, it can’t just be for cosmetic purposes. Saint Lazaro needs to change from the inside. Bridal pageants might bring modern audiences, but they won’t stay unless the heart of the church grows wide enough to fit broader perspectives. And if he wants me to represent a new generation of the brotherhood, then he needs to let me do it as I am. If he wants me to serve in more than just name alone, then he must allow me to operate from here.” He presses both his hands over mine, the one still resting over his heart.
“He agreed?”
“Begrudgingly, but yes.” He takes my face in both hands, and I place mine at his wrists. Partly to maintain contact with his skin, but also to give me some semblance of control over him should he forget himself and try to kiss me. “He gave me his blessing to choose you, but I would have if he hadn’t. We’ll have one final Blessing Ceremony to put a public end to the contest, but it no longer needs to end in a wedding.”
Emotion overwhelms me, so much that I’m at a loss for words.
“Maisie.” He utters my name like a rumbling growl, as if it scalds his lips with both pleasure and pain. “Put me out of my misery already. If you do not love me, tell me so. I understand if you don’t. I’m not worthy of you. I know I’m not.”
“How can you say that?”
“You’re a princess. Bold and brave and beautiful. I’m nothing but a brother of a church you probably despise.”
“I’m not much of a princess.”
His lips curl at one corner. “And I’m not much of a saint. You’re more than a princess to me. You’re my Maisie. My selkie. My temptress. You’ve tempted my heart from my chest, set it beating again, made me think it wasworthyof beating again. I’ve kept myself from you as much as I can. From the start, you stirred something inside me, a rebellious fire, desires I wasn’t supposed to have. Not for you. Not for anyone. When I agreed to the competition, I harbored no hopes that I could fall in love in the span of a week. I’d resigned myself to a loveless marriage for convenience’s sake alone. I didn’t think it would matter who I was paired with, so long as I was given the means to provide for my sisters. But then I met you…”
“And I tried to murder you as soon as I got you alone.”
He chuckles, then his tone deepens. “Your kiss may have been deadly all this time, but from the moment you tried to press your lips to mine, I’ve thought of little else. I tried to push you out of my thoughts. Tried to do what Father Viktor wanted. The only time I succeeded in the slightest was after Zara forced you to reveal the truth. I felt betrayed by you then, certain everything I felt for you had been in vain. And if it has, I’m all right with that. If you don’t want me, I’ll respect that. I’ll walk away. Do my duty. Leave my heart at your feet. But if any part of you wants me back—”
“I do.” The words rush out before I realize I’ve uttered them aloud. They echo in my ears, thrumming with the beat of my heart, his heavy breaths, the crashing of the waves below the bluff. The truth of them wells up inside me, warming me from head to toe. “I love you, Dorian.”
42
His expression turns elated as he repeats my words back to me. “I love you, Maisie.” His voice is so rich with affection it draws tears to my eyes.
I want to give in to the moment, ride the tides of joy our mutual declaration begs to stir…but I can’t.
“Dorian, there are more reasons we can’t be together.”
He runs a hand through my hair, sending shivers down my spine. The other winds around my waist. Mine drop to his chest. “Name one good reason,” he says.
It takes all my restraint not to let my lashes flutter closed, not to tip my head back and relish in the feel of him and the pleasure of knowing I have his heart. My voice is breathless, words stilted. “I told you what Zara said. My next kiss will kill no matter what I’m feeling.”
His hands move up my back, then down, rounding my hips. “Then we don’t kiss.”
My palms tingle, eager to do what he’s doing, explore the planes of his body. “Then how do we…you know.”
