He must see the realization in my eyes, for he says, “If I hadn’t had such strong memories worth saving, I could have convinced myself I still valued my unseelie form the most. I could have sacrificed it and kept everything else. But after our night together…there was no going back. There was no clever fae deception that could help me hide the truth. I saw it all as soon as I touched the rose. My memories had become that which I valued most, and if I sacrificed them, I would lose you. And I would lose myself.”
Tears stream down my cheeks. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me leave so full of hate?”
He reaches a hand toward my face and brushes a stray tear with the backs of his fingers. His touch is so gentle, so apologetic, it makes me feel like my lungs will collapse. “I almost told you, but I realized the truth would have put you in a position to consider breaking my curse yourself. And I will not allow it. You will sacrifice nothing for me, Gemma. I will not have you giving up what you value most. Freedom is too important, and I cannot comprehend what vicious plans the curse would have for you if you sacrificed it, nor am I willing to find out.”
“But you will die,” I say with a sob.
He leans closer, bringing both hands to my cheeks. “I will die happy and at peace, knowing that I loved you. Do you know I’ve never loved before? I doubt I’ve ever been happy, even. Every moment since the day I was born was driven by instinct and survival. When it wasn’t that, it was passion, usually in the form of hate or vengeance. The happiest I ever felt was running free through the forests.”
“Then take it. Go back to that. Sacrifice our memories and return to the forests. That can’t be worse than death.”
He brushes his thumb along my cheek, catching another tear. “No, Gemma. It would still be death, just of another kind. I didn’t live an honorable life as a wolf. I wasn’t kind and I wasn’t happy. I had no idea what I was missing until you showed it to me, and now I can’t go back to who I was before…or who I will become.”
“I thought you hated this body.”
“I did. For so long, I did. This body has caused me agony, opening me to new experiences and emotions. For the first time, I had to face everything I did as a wolf. The people I killed, and not only the hunters I was punished for, but the many others I’ve killed both during and outside of war. I used to relish it. Take pride in it. But in this form, I learned to regret, to feel what you called empathy. I scorned it for so long. But now…if I forget, I’ll go right back to who I once was. Worse, even. I know it may not make sense to you, but I’d rather die with my memories intact than live out an eternity as a wolf who never knew you.”
I lean closer, placing a hand on his chest, right over his heart. He places his hand over the top of it, the other still caressing my cheek. “We can start over,” I say through my tears. “I can help you. We can rebuild all that you’ve lost.”
He shakes his head. “As soon as my memories are gone, I won’t know you. In my wolf form, I’d sooner eat you than love you. I won’t be the same person I am now—or ever was—if I forget. I might become no more sentient than an animal, and I’m no longer content with that. Neither are the others. At least the pups will live full lives as human children. They may lose their memories, but there’s still hope for them to find joy even if the rest of us are gone.”
His words spear my heart. As much as I want him to live, I understand his reluctance to become a stranger to himself. What would I choose if the same choice was given to me? Who would I be if I forgot Elliot, forgot our time together? In the month we’ve spent together, he’s changed me. He’s taught me to believe in love again. To trust. Even when I thought he’d betrayed me, I maintained a kernel of everything I learned with him inside my heart. Nina helped me find it. Regardless of the pain involved, Elliot has made my life better.
But is it worth my life? If I could save myself and others, but at the cost of my memories with Elliot—
My breath catches in my throat, nearly choking me.
If I could save…him.
At the cost of my memories with Elliot…
Would I?
My stomach twists at the sudden realization that Elliot’s values aren’t the only ones that have changed. Mine have shifted too. I’ve come to value something greater, and maybe I always have. I will always fight fiercely for my freedom and independence, but neither of those things conflict with being in love…so long as that love is true, kind, and honest. At the end of the day, love is my highest value. And in this hour, in this moment, my relationship with Elliot is the very thing I treasure most.
I surge forward and wrap my arms around Elliot’s neck, pressing my lips to his. For a moment, he’s frozen in my arms, as if too afraid to reciprocate. Then he softens, his lips yielding beneath mine. I luxuriate in their warmth, their softness, knowing this is the last time I’ll ever feel them. Tears continue to stream down my cheeks, but I keep kissing him until I’m out of breath.
Until I can finally bear to pull away.
I frame his face with my hands, locking his eyes with mine. “You might become a monster if you lose your memories…but maybe I won’t. Maybe I can still learn to love again, even if I must lose you.”
He furrows his brow. “What do you mean?”
I give him a tremulous smile, my lower lip quivering. “I read the book about the boy and the dog. Do you remember it? At the end, the dog dies. He sacrificed himself to save the boy.”
He nods. “It’s one of the ones I told you I’d read. One that made me want to throw it clear across the room after I finished it.” He lets out a sorrowful laugh.
“I felt the same. And yet, it was a beautiful story, one that has stuck with me ever since. When we danced at the ball, and I acknowledged my feelings for you, I felt like the little boy in that story, knowing I was going to lose you. I was prepared to let you go. I knew it was for the best that you marry Imogen, even though it hurt.”
He closes his eyes and presses our foreheads together.
“But I’m not the boy after all, Elliot. I’m the dog.”
He pulls back slightly, eyes wide and panicked. “Gemma—”
“Never forget, no matter where you go, that I love you, Elliot Rochester.”
Then, lurching to the side, I clasp my fingers around the stem of the withering rose and snap it cleanly in two.
