It was wrong, terrible even, for me to expect something of her that I would never be able to offer her in return.
Yet, as Caldris’s roar shook the walls around us, I resolved myself to the notion of never loving the woman I would soon marry.
I would never feel that pain.
NINEFALLON
Every step jostled my body on Etan’s shoulder, leaving me more and more aggravated. I hated the feeling of pressure in my ribs, and I was filled with the urge to drive my own shoulder into his stomach when he finally had to release me.
The bastard couldn’t carry me forever.
Caldris’s pained bellow left me with no choice but to accept that Estrella was gone, that Mab had succeeded in tearing them apart. There was no other reason that an agony like that could exist; only the loss of a mate or a child was worth the pain in that sound. I wished there was something I could do to ease his pain, that I could take Estrella’s place in Tartarus. I’d thought I was doing the right thing in allowing her to show Mab her power, in sacrificing myself to a loveless marriage so that Estrella would not need to know the pain of separation from Caldris.
Only for a far worse fate to befall them in spite of my best intentions.
“This is your fault,” I groaned, settling on Etan’s shoulder for a brief moment. Letting him believe I’d given up the fight, I resolved to show him a quiet complacency that would disarm him. But I would try to follow after her when he was unsuspecting.
And if I couldn’t do that?
I’d punish himforthe fact that he had robbed me of my only chance to intervene. He’d stripped away the minimal chance I had, and I would make sure he suffered for it.
“How am I responsible for Mab’s actions?” he asked, his voice incredulous. As if he couldn’t believe I would dare to fault him for what she’d done. Even though I knew I couldn’t, I could fault him for keeping me from helping her.
“You’re responsible for keeping me away from her! I can go with her and help!” I protested, searching for something to grab onto that wouldhurt. Godsdamn the man, but there wasn’t an inch of excess skin to spare. My hands roamed over his spine and the sides of his back, looking for any sign of a love handle that I could dig my nails into and try to tear from his body.
Even I was surprised by the venom I felt for him, the wish that he would simply disappear from my life, when he was just as much stuck with me as I had been with him. I glanced down at the swell of his ass, swallowing as I realized I wasn’t quitethatdesperate to hurt him. Putting my hands on any part of my future husband that could be seen asintimatehardly seemed in my best interest when I had every intention of keeping this arrangement celibate.
“And what do you think that would have accomplished?” he asked, grasping the handle on a door that was very muchnotmine. I didn’t recognize this part of the palace, this hallway somehow brighter than the one Mab had given me rooms in for the proximity to hers. There were more candelabras along the stone wall, the warmth of the yellow-and-orange hues of candlelight playing off the coolness of the hall in a way that made my skin warm.
The room inside was smaller than my own, but a huge bay window overlooked the sand-filled terrain outside. The moons shone in through the window, illuminating the room with a glow that felt bright against my eyes as they fought to adjust to the sudden light. I’d spent most of my life locked in the darkness of the tunnels the rebellion called home, only to be trapped in the Court of Shadows almost the moment I stepped foot in Alfheimr. The moments I’d spent in the sun were far too few, but I would take the feeling of moonlight on my skin in its wake. A daybed was nestled into the bay window,as if the person who had furnished this room wanted to be as close to any light source as possible.
Etan approached it after he kicked the bedroom door closed behind him, and the motion tore me away from the moonlight in a way that made my stomach clench. I didn’t want to be plunged into darkness again, and his broad, maddening form shielded me from the light as he put distance between us and the door. He drew me over his shoulder so quickly I gasped, dropping me onto the daybed unceremoniously.
I landed with an “oomph,” throw pillows bouncing above my head. One fell on my face, and I shoved it to the side as I sputtered and stared up at the Fae male. He stared down at me, his head tilting to the side as his lips parted, as if he couldn’t quite figure me out. The retort I’d been about to admonish him with died in my throat, leaving me to swallow the words in discomfort. Something in that look made me want to curl up in a ball, to hide myself from his view entirely.
He reached down, touching a single fingertip to the fair skin of my arm where the moonlight shone against it. His smile was sad and hollowed out as he stared at the place where he touched me. It took away a moment of my anger, showing me a glimpse of the man who appeared to be grieving his own loss, the same as I was.
“You’re beautiful even in darkness, but in the light.…” He trailed off, shaking his head as if he could clear such thoughts from his mind. I didn’t know what to make of the odd sort-of compliment, the unfinished thought hanging between us as I pursed my lips.
“Why am I here?” I asked, pushing up onto my elbows. He blocked me from the door, his broad, hulking form preventing my escape.
I didn’t want to take the time to think of all the solid muscle I’d felt beneath his tunic when I’d tried to find a way to hurt him, to contemplate how long it had been since I’d felt the flesh of another against mine. I watched his mask slide into place, all traces of grief fleeing from his expression. If I hadn’t been watching him so closely, I would never have believed just how efficiently he slipped into the role he seemed determined to play.
But there were traces of something more in him, hints of a man that I didn’t understand at all. If he loved Rheaghan enough to make that mask falter, then why was he loyal to Mab?
“You were too busy groping me to answer my question. What do you think you would have accomplished by going into Tartarus withher?” he asked, and while the tone he used was harsh, there was a teasing tilt to his mouth that I wanted to slap off his face.
This version of Etan was brash and arrogant, and I hated that I had to wonder which version of him was actually real.
“I wasn’t groping you! I was looking for a way tomaimyou,” I snapped, my mouth dropping open in shock as heat flooded my cheeks. The burn in them gave me away, hinted at the fact that I hadn’t particularlynotenjoyed my search, much to my dismay.
“Whatever you want to call it. You canmaimme whenever you like, Sunfire,” he said, taking a step back just when I thought he might reach for me.
My lungs filled with air suddenly as I took my first full breath. His presence was so imposing, so shocking to my system, that I felt like my body forgot how to function around him. I wasn’t myself, and I couldn’t even claim he made me into the best version of myself.
I felt certain he made me into the worst possible version with only his nearness. If he were to ever touch me, I felt as if I might burst into the fires of Hel itself and burn him with me out of petty spite. His gaze softened as he studied me, and he reached out a hand to take mine as he leaned down toward me. “We have to get out of Tar Mesa. I’m going to ask Mab for permission to leave for the Summer Court. It isn’t safe here now. You don’t know Mab like I do; there will be consequences for all of us. She’ll grieve what she’s done in her own way, and that will involve a downward spiral of more death and suffering.”
I snapped my hand back, blinking up at him in shock. “I’m not leaving Estrella to rot in the cove and Imelda to suffer here without me! You cannot ask that of me.”
