“I want you to know—reallyknow—that I know how much I screwed up. If anything had happened to you… if my actions had harmed you in any way—” He swallows, shakes his head. “I would have never forgiven myself.”
I stare down at my bare knees. Grams had been gone two and a half years prior to the intersection incident, and in that time I knew my dad was slipping farther into his alcoholic haze. I was too terrified to do anything but deny it. Even when June would call and check in, I’d pretend like everything was fine.
Once I caught on to how intoxicated he’d become before going to work, I started asking Lin for rides. I made excuses.My dad started an earlier shift,I’d say. It was easily believable. Nobody questioned it.
There was only one time when my friends became concerned. After school, Whitney, Raegan, and Lin came over to work on a biology project. My dad’s car wasn’t in the garage, so I assumed he was still at work. But when we walked into my kitchen, we saw the remains of plates scattered across the scuffed tile. Hundreds of pieces were deliberately smashed in every direction, the aftermath of another episode.
Nobody said anything. Not even me. It was Whitney who suggested we go to her house. I agreed, fighting back a lump in my throat as we walked back out the door.
When I came home that evening, my dad was passed out in his room. The TV was blasting some sitcom on full volume. The laugh track mocked me as I swept up the glass pieces in the kitchen, knowing he wouldn’t remember this in the morning.
Whitney texted me later that evening. I hadn’t wanted to talk about it at her place, and nobody pushed me on the topic. She told me not to be mad, but she’d told Jay. She was worried, she said. But I lied. I said it was fine, that we were fine.
Later that night, my phone chimed with a text. I’d expected it to be from Jay, but I was surprised to see it was from Alex.
ALEX: just finished the season 7 finale of crime boss. WTF.
I stared at the blinking cursor, attempting to form a response in my head. Without thinking about what I was doing, I typed a reply.
ME: can you meet up?
Alex didn’t hesitate.
ALEX: 7-Eleven?
ME: i’ll be there soon.
From what I could tell, Alex hadn’t pursued Lacey after the Sadie Hawkins dance. Our friendship had evolved into what it used to be, but I was still surprised that he was willing to meet me at 7-Eleven on a Saturday night.
Alex was already waiting for me when I arrived. He held out a cherry Slurpee for me, then motioned to the side of the building so we’d be out of sight since it was past our curfew.
I slumped to the ground, sitting with my back against the wall. He did the same.
“I’m sorry.” I mashed my straw against the ice. “My dad… he’s just…”
When I didn’t finish, Alex said, “You don’t have to be sorry for how you feel.”
My fingertips were chilled from the plastic cup. This is why I’d texted him. He was always so kind, so willing to listen without judgment.
So I went on. “He has his bad days, you know, because of…”
My throat tightened. I couldn’t stay Grams’s name without feeling a terrible ache in my chest.
But Alex nodded. He knew my situation.
“Anyway.” I took a long drink, hoping the cold would force back my tears. “It wasn’t exactly a good night.”
“Do you have someone who can help?” Alex asked after a moment.
I thought of Aunt June. “Yeah,” I told him. “My aunt would come if I asked.”
His brown eyes found mine. “You should. I mean, if you wanted. It’s just—” he broke off for a second. “You shouldn’t have to go through it alone, you know?”
I nodded, relief flooding my chest. I don’t know if it was his words or his presence or something else entirely, but I felt a little better.
“You know what Ana used to do when I was sad?” Alex said, a hint of a smile on his face.
Ana was his sister who was a year older than us. “What?” I asked.
