“You’re making it sound so difficult. The truth is, if I just marry Phillip and tell Brayden goodbye, the problem will go away.”
“Will it?” Sophia asks me. “I don’t think you’re being truly honest with yourself there, Lei.”
“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore right now.”
But Sophia ignores me. “Is this really all about Brayden, or does he also make you feel something you don’t want to feel? Not just about him but about Phillip?” She narrows her eyes at me. “Do you love Phillip with your head only?”
I look away from her.
“Because love isn’t a thinking thing, honey.” Sophia taps my arm. “You know what you need to do? You need to get the hell out of your head. Love makes no sense. It’s not logical. It’s not even always fair. Love just is.”
“I don’t like illogical. Or lack of fairness.”
Sophia makes a face. “I’m talking about raw, animal magnetism. It is what it is, Lei. Get on board, and own it.”
After she’s gone, I sit by myself for so long that I barely notice when the sun starts to go down. I spend the time thinking and fiddling with the empty space on my ring finger where the string should be.
And as I finally drag myself off the couch to go make dinner, I know what I need to do.
* * *
Hours later, Phillip walks in the front door, calling out my name. “Lei!” he says. “Are you home?”
“Hi! I’m upstairs!” I call out as I stand in front of the full-length mirror looking at the dress I’m thinking of wearing if I go to Jasalie and Dylan’s wedding renewal.
Phillip walks into the room.
“What’s that for?” he asks as he stares at me.
I never dress up. Phillip wears suits on occasion but only for his important conference speeches and academic mixers. I bought this dress last year when I was at the mall with Sophia. She made me try it on after she came out of the dressing room and caught me holding it up in front of me. I loved it so much that I let her talk me into buying it. But I put it in the back of the closet behind my old winter coat and never showed it to Phillip. The fabric’s cut low in the front, not so low that it reveals too much but low enough to be sexy. It’s fitted, and the skirt ends above my knee. It goes perfectly with the black strappy heels I have on, and my hair is pulled up into a loose bun, which shows off the neckline of the dress.
I keep looking into the mirror as I answer him. “Brayden’s cousin’s wife invited me to her wedding renewal on Monday. I don’t know if I’m going or not, but I love this dress, and I wanted to try it on.”
I catch Phillip’s eye in the mirror. His jaw twitches.
I feel how perfectly the fabric fits my body. I look up at Phillip, and he’s staring at me.
For the first time in forever, I feel like Phillip’s actually seeing me. But as our gazes lock in the mirror, I don’t feel a racing in my heart, and my palms are completely dry. And it’s not because we were together for so long and I’m just comfortable with him and not nervous. It’s because I don’t even want him to touch me. Not in any way other than as a friend. In all our years together, I honestly don’t think I ever knew what he wanted from me, and even in this moment, I’m truly not sure.
I turn back and put my arms out. “Welcome home.”
He comes closer and hugs me close. “Thanks.” He steps back and takes my hands in his. “Honey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my chat with the panel, and with Gerry too. It was wrong of me. I promise I’ll make this up to you.”
I look at him, at the weary look in his eyes, the dark circles underneath them, and I forgive him.
“It’s okay.” I try to fully unzip the back of the dress but it’s no use. My arms aren’t seven feet long. “Can we talk?”
His expression shuts down immediately. “I apologize, but I just can’t go to the wedding renewal with you. I have too much I have to do. I know you want me there, but Mindy’s coming over Monday night, and I promised her we could work together.”
I exhale. “Phillip, I’m not asking that. Can we please communicate and have an actual conversation?” I gesture at the back of my dress. “Will you help me with this first?”
As he’s unzipping my dress, I connect with his reflection in the mirror. Watching his face carefully, I say the words I’ve been rehearsing. “Phillip. This isn’t working. Us.”
Phillip’s fingers catch on my zipper. “Lei, you’re just confused because I’ve been so busy. I don’t want you to throw away all that we have because of your confusion. In fact, I’ve already called Gerry. I told him he needs to give you a second chance. I asked him to meet me for a coffee—or an Irish coffee if he prefers—” He grins, but I’m not amused. “I’ll make sure he lets you present as soon as possible. Right after our wedding.”
I swallow, feeling like, once again, the wave of Phillip has just knocked me senseless and I have no voice to tell him otherwise. To tell him what I really want.
But this time, I charge onward anyway. “Thank you, but I’m not sure that’s what’s best for me after all. And in terms of you and me, I’m not confused. I know I need a break,” I say, trying—and failing—to keep the emotion out of my voice. “A break up, to be more clear. Effective immediately.”
