I had nothing left to fear.
Looking at Hawksridge Hall, my eyes found Nila’s bedroom. The light burned in her window, a lighthouse for my drowning sorrows, a beacon leading me back to her.
I kicked toward the shore.
I need you, Needle.
I need you so fucking much.
She would put me back together.
She would understand what I’d done and accept me with no questions or ultimatums or tests.
She would love me unconditionally.
My heart calmed.
My mind quieted.
And finally, finally,finally, I found peace.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Kestrel
THERE WAS A saying that humans were capable of knowing only one thing.
One thing of ultimate, undeniable conviction where everything else—our thoughts, opinions, careers, likes, dislikes—even our entire lifespan of choices, were open to interpretation and amendments.
Only one thing was irrefutable. That one thing was:we exist.
We knew as a species—as an intelligent race of culture and history—that we lived and breathed andexisted.
Nothing else outside of that was fundamental, only the knowledge we were alive. It evolved us from animals because with our existence came awareness for what a gift life was.
Some of us squandered it.
Others muddied it to the point of no redemption, but most of us appreciated the small present we’d been given and were grateful for it—no matter how lowly or high, rich or poor, easy or hard.
We existed, and that was a wondrous thing.
I’d never truly understood just how grateful I was.
But I did now.
As I lay in an in-between world where pain, death, or even time couldn’t reach me, I had endless space to evaluate and understand. I’d existed as more than just a man, more than a brother, or friend, or son.
I’d existed because I made a difference to those I loved.
I cherished my sister.
I helped my brother.
And I did my best to remain true to the soul inside me rather than outside influences trying to change me.
I existed truthfully and that was all that mattered.
I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t miss him. I missed the relationships with those I cared about. I missed my home, my possessions, my future. I missed worldly items because I knew I’d never see them again.
