“I know I haven’t said much about why I’m here,” Ivy began. “And I know I have spent the better part of that time sitting in here, thinking.”
“In my experience, thinking too much only leads to sleepless nights and indigestion.” Nana picked up the pot and poured tea into the delicate English Rose teacup at her side. When she was done, she lifted the cup by its saucer and, with a remarkably steady hand, passed it to Ivy.
Holding the porcelain filled Ivy with an immediate sense of calm. Drinking tea with Nana had become synonymous with comfort.
“I blame myself, you know,” Nana said, before Ivy continued with her explanation.
Ivy’s eyebrows shot up. “For what?”
“For you having parents who didn’t know how to love you in the way you deserved.”
Abruptly tears filled Ivy’s eyes. Not what she was expecting. “Nana—”
“No.” Nana set her teacup and saucer on the table in front of her, straightened her shoulders more than they already had been, and faced Ivy. “It’s true. I raised your father to be independent and self-sufficient. I refused to coddle him, but I fear, in doing so, I inadvertently gave him the belief that children were a necessary contribution to the world, and not the joyous gift of endless love that they truly are.”
All this was spoken without betraying a single emotion while Ivy sat in her rocker, silent tears streaming down her face.
“You see,” Nana went on, “your parents believed that the mere fact that they loved you was enough. That they didn’t need to show you or shower you in it. They believed that building a relationship with you wasn’t important.”
“Nana, no,” Ivy whispered, tasting the tang of her salty tears as she spoke.
“Yes,” her grandmother returned. “Your father knew no better because I never educated him on the joy it would bring everyone if he expressed his love.” She took another sip of her tea. “I was a product of my generation. A young mother, widowed early, in a country not her own. I found myself playing the role of mother and provider, all at once. When I was raising your father, I didn’t understand how beautifully love and relationships went together. In fact, I didn’t learn that,” she paused, taking a steadying breath, “until you.”
Ivy couldn’t help the muffled sob that escaped her. She’d never heard her nana speak about something so personal. She always had the British stoicism perfected.
“I hope, my dear, that I did not make the same mistake with you. In my second chance as guardian, I hope I conveyed the bouquet that love is. That it goes beyond mere feeling and can encapsulate the richness of friendship, intimacy, and encounter. Any number of beautiful things are evoked by love. It isn’t enough to feel it. You have to live it to truly thrive.”
And there it was. The Nana laser vision. Somehow she knew, with her nana intuition, that Ivy was here because of a matter of the heart.
“I screwed up.” Ivy sniffled into one of the pretty paper napkins from the tea tray.
“I gathered that, child. Why don’t you indulge me with the specifics?” Nana reached over and patted Ivy’s hand.
“I risked my heart on someone who was a friend. Well, the truth is, he was always more than that. He was my champion, my protector, the person who was always there. Even when I didn’t know it. I thought—” Ivy took a breath. Was it okay to talk to your grandma about sex? Where on the scale of awkward to totally normal did that fall? “I thought we could be friends, and then be…closer than friends, but without having to be in a relationship. I thought that’s what I wanted.”
“Let me guess? You realized that being casual lovers wasn’t possible when you are actually in love?”
“Nana!” Ivy gasped. What did Nana know about casual lovers?
“My dear, I had my share of affairs before I met and married your grandfather. I am well accustomed to the realities of a casual liaison. And I can assure you, they are doomed from the start when true feelings are involved. Which I assume they are in your case with your beau. Am I correct?”
Ivy nodded.
“How, then, did you come toscrew it up?”
“Sean is so much more than a friend. It should have been obvious from the start, but I was too blind to see it.” Blind and terrified. “He saved me from a dark time. He was patient, and he drew me back into the light. I owed him for what he’d done and wanted to show the same kindness. I wanted to repay him, so I—” She sighed, regret lacing her voice. “I encouraged his estranged brother to come to Portland, because I thought if they could reconcile and find peace, then Sean would have the same sense of healing he gave me.”
There was a long silence in which her grandmother simply watched her.
“How very presumptuous of you,” Nana finally said.
“I just wanted to give back.”
“No, you wanted to assuage your own guilt for all he did for you.” Nana set her teacup down with a clunk. “You couldn’t imagine that someone would not only love you, but that they’d want to show that love without expecting anything in return, so you took it upon yourself to level the playing field. Until you realized it wasn’t a game.”
Geez. Nana with the truth.
“You’re right,” Ivy moaned.
