When his face darkened at her words, she scrambled to recover the mood with more truth.
“With you, everything feels good, Sean. Everything. More of this, for the rest of the night, or however long, and I’ll be happy.” She meant it. She didn’t know if it was that enough time had passed, and she had enough pent-up sexual frustration to last a lifetime, or if it was him, but everything and anything he did brought her to new heights of arousal.
It’s him, her mind whispered. And she let that sink in, because whatever that realization meant for their future or their arrangement, in this moment, it was enough.
Sean nodded slowly, as if it was taking time for him to absorb the information. “Is there anywhere I can’t touch? Anything you don’t want?”
Good point. She hadn’t thought of that. Hadn’t considered that he might touch her somewhere, and she’d freak, and honestly, she didn’t want to. Her ghosts had no place here in this precious time with Sean.
“Show me where he hurt you.” His voice was a low, gravely sound. Like a rumble of thunder after the lightning.
“Um…” This night wasn’t going how she’d thought it would.
“Show me where the scars are.” He softly kissed her collarbone. He seemed to like it there.
“The scars?” That night had been brutal. There’d been so many bruises, big red and purple bruises, all over her body for days. But there wasn’t a physical scar, not one that showed, at least. “They’re on the inside,” she murmured.
If he wanted to run screaming, now was his chance.
But Sean didn’t run. He lifted her hand and turned it so her palm was facing up, then kissed her gently on the pulse point of her left wrist. “Show me where, on the inside.”
Emotion pricked her eyes, and she blinked it back. The warmth of his hand flowed into the veins of her wrist and spread through her entire body, until every bit of cold inside her was replaced by his heat.
Slowly she lifted their joined hands and moved them downward, over her belly, and lower, until her fingers brushed the softness between her legs.
“Here,” she said, and his gaze moved to linger where their hands rested. “I have scars inside here.” Horrible memories of how she’d been violated bled into the periphery of her brain, until there was an aching throb just under her skin. Memories of pain, and the terrifying sensation of burning, forceful stretching of flesh that wasn’t ready and didn’t want to be touched. The pain between her legs had lasted for days afterward. Every time she moved, it was a reminder of what happened.
Her humiliation should have stopped her from continuing, but for Ivy it was so freeing being able to finally show someone the map of her assault that she continued, moving their joined hands upward, and his fingers thread through hers, holding tightly. She stopped at her left breast, where her heart beat erratically behind it.
“And here.”
She knew her heart would never be the same. It was broken, irrevocably so. Which was why he didn’t deserve her, and why she couldn’t even imagine having a normal relationship with anybody. Especially Sean. He’d be wasted on her. He deserved someone who could love him back with a whole heart.
Sean’s eyes flickered in the candlelight. The way he was looking at the pale skin of her breast made her certain he saw right through her exterior to her heart beneath. Could he see the damage that was imprinted there? Did he understand now why she’d requested a no-strings arrangement?
Unable to stop now, she brought their joined hands up to her temple, spreading her fingers so his flattened over hers. This was the money spot of her brokenness. The scar that was so deep not even the counselor she saw for months after could do much to repair it.
“Here.” She tapped the side of her head. “The worst scar is in here.” Her tormented mind. It plagued her night and day.
Ethan had done a total mind fuck on her, and it was probably the worst damage he’d done that night. He controlled it still, because he’d never paid for what he did to her, and she knew he likely never would.
And there it was, the roadmap of her damage. Sean’s to navigate, hers to own.
He leaned forward and kissed the temple she’d tapped, pulling her attention back to him. His lips lingered there a full minute before he lowered his head to kiss the skin above her heart. Again, he paused, lips pressed against every heartbeat. He moved lower again, and she tensed, knowing where he was headed. He was following the map, after all. And she wanted his mouth where he was taking it. Oh, did she ever. But she couldn’t shake the intrusive thought that it would be wrong for him to put his mouth on something so desecrated. Here was the sucky thing about the mind body connection—it really stunted healing. It’s why she always considered the scars in her mind to be the worst, because they held all the rest back. And even though she knew it, she couldn’t change how they made her see herself. Defiled. Dirty. Unclean. Unworthy.
He picked up on her tension and sat back on his haunches. “If you don’t know what turns you on, and what turns you off, then we’ll go over it. Every single inch, so I can learn your body, Ivy. And you can learn it too.”
He settled at the opposite end from her. “If I do anything you don’t like, say so. I understand English, so any form ofno,don’t, orstopwill work. I’m also pretty good at reading facial expressions if you don’t feel like talking, so I want to be clear you’re not the one who has to learn how to communicate. It’s on me to understand what you’re telling me.” He lifted her foot. “We’ll start here,” he told her before he brazenly sucked her toe into his mouth.
She shrieked and jerked, nearly kicking him in the face, and his chuckle resounded in the bedroom.
“Anoffthen,” he noted, before licking the underside of her foot’s arch.
Ivy gasped, and he looked up at her, assessing the sound. He licked again, and she moaned.
“That one’s anon. See how we’re going to do this?” Slowly, mind-blowingly slowly, he worked his mouth over her feet and up her legs.
Ivy let her body react, melting when she liked something, like his caress on the underside of her knee, and making it clear when she didn’t.
