I seek a female interested in tentacles, who enjoys water sports, and would be willing to host my young in hermidsection until they are ready to crawl out and explore the world—
Yeah, no, I ain’t down for whatever ‘water sports’ entails, or YOUNG CRAWLING OUT OF MY MIDSECTION,Christ on a cracker!”
“Oh mah gahd, hellz no! Next!” Lou said as Tracy practically cried with horrified mirth.
“Message 2 is from someone called ‘Artax Glover’—”
“Wait, wait! Is there a picture of Bob?!” Tracy asked, still laughing hysterically.
“Oh! Yeah, sorry, they’ve all got profile pics.” Sally spun the computer, showing a profile photo of a purple, amorphous blob sporting eye-stalks and multiple drippy tentacles.
“BOB THE BLOB!” Tracy shouted, hooting even louder!
“That critter’s gonna be some D’n’D player’s wet dream,” Chet added casually. “Literally!”
Tracy had to cover her face in a napkin, she was laughing so hard. A muffled,“I’m gonna have to re-do my makeup!”,came from between her hands. When she could finally breathe again, she motioned for Sally to keep going.
“Right, so! Artax Glover…
Greetings Earth Female!
I am called ‘Artax’. A rough translation of my name to your language would be ‘likes to punch things hard’, which is true! I enjoy punching quite a lot! Though I should note that I only punch other beings with their consent.
I do not seek an Earth Female for punching, though if you also enjoy punching things, I would enjoy punching things together!
I seek an Earth Female because the other thing I enjoy is fucking, which I am hopeful that you enjoy as well!
My needs are quite simple: punching and fucking!
It might be helpful if you are also a qualified medical professional, since my favorite punching sport, Jong Ball, has become quite popular on WLN269, and games are frequent. I would not want to bleed on you while we fuck!
Lord in heaven!” Sally broke in, looking up from the letter, her brows squinched. “I mean, he’s jacked enough and would probably be enthusiastic, but I don’t think I could more than the once!”
She spun the screen so they could see the shirtless green humanoid absolutely covered in muscular physique. Two tiny green droopy antennae sprouted from his forehead and his eyes were enormous and almond shaped with orange pupils. He stood posed in a fighting stance, loose silky-looking shorts around his midsection.
“Oh he’syummyin the bod, though!” Tracy put in, eating up the alien form displayed before her. “Dick pics?”
“Hmmm, none on his profile, but—oh my, yep, he sent one! I’ll start the download.”
“Does he look familiar to you?” Chet asked, swinging the screen in his direction. “Like from an anime or something?”
Llewellyn leaned over, taking another look. “OH MAH GAHD, it’s that green guy from that cartoon with the dragon balls!”
Chet started laughing. “My lordt, you’re right, Lou! It’s Piccolo! Or, in this case, maybe we better call him Dickolo!”
“Y’all areterribleand also I don’t know what that is,” Sally put in. “Moving on! Message 3 is from ‘Ipbert Jingnax’:
Hello Earth Female do you enjoy eating I enjoy eating may we eat together I wish to put things in my eating orifice and perhaps you do as well—
This guy is one huge run-on sentence, y’all, but that’s the gist of it. He likes food and that seems to be it.”
“I mean, same,” Chet said as Sally spun the photo of the chubby, mouth-full, alien creature. “But at least I have class.”
“That you do, baby,” Lou kissed him on the cheek, patting his thigh reassuringly.
“At least these are easy to weed out,” Tracy said. “Though Sally, you should keep that boxing guy on there. He’d appreciate your Judo skills.”
“That’s true,” Sally said, flipping to the next one. “Ok, this one is from—” she snorted.”— ‘Halex Nugget’. This guy’s got restin’ jerk face!”
