Every muscle in me stills as I debate how to answer her question. I am bone-deep tired of keeping this secret. It’s like I’ve been on a small life raft for years, in the middle of the ocean, trying to weather storm after storm. Barely staying afloat, one swell away from drowning.
My nose starts stinging, and before I can stop it, tears flood my entire face.
“Honey, what’s the matter?”
Would she believe a lie?I'm so used to explaining away his abuse that it doesn't take any effort to drum up excuses. Tripping, falling, getting hit in the head with a ball…I have a menu of alibis at the ready. But as I study her, the creases near her eyes, the worried look on her face, it takes me all of two seconds to free myself from the chokehold the skeleton in my closet has had me in for years.
“I have to tell you something about Dad, Mae.”
Her face falls. Ever the hobbyist beekeeper, she says, “Well, I brought fresh Florida honeycomb to snack on.” She puts her arm around my shoulder and guides us both inside to the kitchen table. “Let’s hear it.”
Much like my tears, the words rush out of me in almost one big breath. I tell her everything. Well, as much as she needs to know without going into minor details that would only serve to hurt her.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Mae whispers, eyes glazed with tears. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I’m angry at myself for being away for so long.” She sadly shakes her head. “Your mother…she’d be horrified at my lack of visits.”
“For all you knew, I was with my b-boring d-dad living next d-door t-to my b-best friend. It’s what I wanted you t-to think.D-Don’t b-blame yourself, Mae. Flying long d-distances t-takes a t-toll on you.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
I squeeze her hand, more nervous to tell her this next part than the abuse itself.
“I, um, really like it here. Obviously, things have b-been t-tough with my d-dad, b-but I love living next d-door t-to Danny and hanging out with my friend B-Ben at school. I was wondering if you would b-be open t-to me staying here. I know your life is in Florida. If you have t-to go b-back, maybe we could ask Janie next d-door if she would b-be willing t-to…to t-take me in.”
A flicker of sadness flashes in Mae’s eyes. “Honey, I?—”
“And, if not, that’s completely fine, b-but maybe you could just, um, help find my d-dad some support with his d-drinking b-before you go. Like a group or something? It’s just that I really d-don’t want t-to go into the system, and honestly, he really hasn’t b-been this b-bad in a while…”
The sadness in Mae’s eyes remains unchanged. I curve my body inward, staring into the ground. I should’ve known not to ask for too much. I’m so stupid.
“I’m sorry. It was a d-dumb question. I’m so thankful you’re here. It’s okay if we have t-to go t-to Florida. Your b-bees are there. I know how important they are t-to you.”
Mae gently picks up my hand again. She ducks her chin a bit, trying to get my attention, and I cautiously look up at her.
“Youare important to me. I was going to say that after everything you’ve been through, it’s not my intention to disrupt anything good in your life. I’m giving you control. If you want to stay, you’ll stay. Not with Janie. With me. He willneverhurt you again.”
Leaning forward to pull her into an embrace, I practically sag with relief. Of course she has my best interests in mind. She’dnever make me do anything I didn’t want to do, especially if it doesn’t impact my safety.Danny was right, I think, as I hold onto Mae.
We both cry.
A few hours later, Dad comes home from the casino, drunk. Mae shoos me out of the family room area in advance of his arrival.
“You’ve experienced enough hurt to last a lifetime, and you don’t need to hear any more of that man’s nonsense. Let me take care of you now.” She gives me a tight hug and lightly kisses my cheek.
Even though I still feel the invisible, weighted blanket of trauma, a knot seems to loosen in my stomach. I’m not sure when or if these heavy feelings will ever go away. At the same time, while I don’t feel any lighter, I do feel less afraid.
Mae has a whole life in Florida, and leaving all that behind won’t be easy, but I’m calmer with her in my corner. It’s only now that I can even name the emotion that’s been dominating my psyche at home all these years—fear. I always thought it was anxiety or hesitation, but no. I’ve been drenched in pure alarm since the first time he mocked my stutter.
These thoughts set up camp in the back corner of my brain as I walk into my room and collapse on my fluffy pink bed. I grab my old CD player and magenta headphones on my nightstand and turn up the volume of my favorite Dashboard Confessional song.
While my headphones mute the noises of the outside world, they don’t prevent me from seeing the red and blue lights swirling outside my window ten minutes later. I peer out the window and see my dad ushered by a police officer into their car, handcuffed. Grandma Mae is speaking with the remaining officer, her hands gesturing. When she turns around, I gasp. It’s impossible to miss her swollen eye and the dried bloodunderneath her nose. She looks my way and gives me a small smile. I manage a weak smile back.
And I wonder if that will be the last time I ever see my father.
Chapter 25
Danny
Seventeen Years Old
