I wonder what my mother saw in him.What am I missing?
Tears threaten to spill over, as they always do, when I think about her. I lick the tears away and taste the salty sadness. If Mom were here, she’d know what to do. Although, if she were here, I doubt any of this would be happening in the first place.
People always talk about what it will feel like to miss a dead parent at big milestones like weddings or graduations. Yes, you experience sadness and nostalgia at those big life events.
But the ugly reality is you feel the impact of their loss much more during the small, unremarkable milestones. Instead of feeling sick with nostalgia, you’re accompanied by loneliness, embarrassment, and frustration.
I think about getting my period and having no one but the school nurse to guide me. I was eleven years old and scared.
I think about staying in the classroom with the teacher during Mother-Daughter Day at school instead of going to the cafeteria with my peers. I was twelve years old and isolated.
And, I think about what happened forty-eight hours ago, and I’m so humiliated. Mortified that Danny saw me like that, embarrassed by my weakness.
But Dad wasn’t always like this, and the memories of him frombeforekeep me from speaking up. During my darkest moments with him, visions of the past surface in my mind and confuse me.
Look at this hair, Dad had said when I was seven, gently touching my curls with reverence.Just like your mother’s spirals, he’d praised as my mom looked on approvingly.My two firecrackers, he’d added with a wink.
I need to stop obsessing over everything. All I see is self-hatred in the mirror, and I force myself to step away.
Looking longingly at the walkie-talkie on my nightstand, I wonder if Danny meant what he said the other day. Cutting through my physical pain are his words, racing through my head, dispensing microdoses of serotonin.
My girlfriend.
Did he mean them?
You’d still be mine.
Am I crazy or had he been about to kiss me?
These thoughts take up an overwhelming amount of space in my brain as I think through my next steps.
Dad hasn’t been back, but that’s normal for him. He goes to the casino every weekend and won’t be home until later tonight, which at least gives me some time to think about what I should do. I can’t just report him… It’s not that simple. The longer I dwell on this, the more I think about asking Danny for help. Wehave a good track record of solving problems together, and we could probably brainstorm some ideas.
The doorbell interrupts my thoughts. I’m really in no state to see anyone right now. On one hand, it could be a salesperson trying to convince me to switch gas companies. On the other hand, it could be Girl Scouts. In the end, the possibility of cookies wins out. I head down the hallway and open the door.
“Surprise, surprise, Queen Bee!”
Oh. My. God.
“Mae?!”
“In the flesh! Bring it in. I didn’t fly all the way from Florida for you to stand there like a trout with your mouth open.”
“I…I can’t believe it!” I squeeze her tight, and she squeezes me back just as much.
“I love you like bees love honey.” Hearing her say those words in person for the first time in years fills me with a kind of warmth only grandparents can provide.
“I love you, too, Mae. Gosh, I’ve missed you.” Tears spring to my eyes. She has no idea how I’ve longed to see her. I’ve never been so happily surprised before.
I break the hug so I can look at her from head to toe, taking stock of any changes since I saw her last. Her silvery hair—now cut into a shoulder-length bob—is held back by a bee barrette. Her bright blue eyes and red-painted lips are surrounded by more smile lines. One thing that hasn’t changed are her favorite black and gold earrings with little amber jewels dangling on the end.
“Why are you here?!”
She winks at me. “Can’t a grandma visit her granddaughter without an interrogation?”
“Of course, I’m thrilled you’re here! It’s just so unexpected and I?—”
“What happened here, Bee? This looks painful,” Mae interrupts, pointing toward my head injury.
