“I gotta hand it to you, Nox. I do not have the patience for all that DIY crap. Although, taking a sledgehammer to some stuff does sound pretty fun.”
I chuckled half-heartedly. “I’ll be sure to give you a call next time I’m planning to demo anything. You can do all the hard work for me.”
Rick laughed, popping some fries into his mouth. “I’m not as young as you, kid. I don’t think I have the stamina to do all that hard labor.”
I shook my head, eyeing the gray sprinkled throughout his head of buzzed black hair. If it weren’t for the gray hairs, I’d guess that Rick was as young as thirty or thirty-five.
“Shut up. You’re only forty-something, right?”
Rick rolled his eyes, “Almost fifty. My kids keep reminding me. Keep saying they’ll have to buy me a walker for Christmas this year.”
I smiled at the mention of his kids. Rick reminded me so much of my own dad, and my heart panged at the thought of keeping so much from them. I missed my family. My parents.My sisters. My niece and nephew. I hated that I had pushed them all away, that I’d put so much distance between us.
I sometimes questioned whether joining the Air Force was the best thing when it removed me from my family, removed me from experiencing all the little milestones that occur when a family grows. I’d missed my little sister’s early teens. I’d missed helping them through their cross-country move back East. I’d missed seeing Ruthie grow up, missed the birth of my nephew. Four years and some change, and I’d missed all of it with them.
But if I hadn’t gone through the last four years in the Air Force, I wouldn’t have ended up here in Anchorage. I wouldn’t have reconnected with God in the way that I had now. I wouldn’t have run into Shiloh.
Rick snapped me out of my thoughts once again. “Alright, enough of that overthinking. Let’s say a prayer and head in.”
I nodded, putting my hand in his upturned palm on the console, and closed my eyes.
“Father, we thank you for giving Nox the courage to seek help. Please give Nox the strength to continue to fight this temptation, let him feel the peace that you can offer him as he makes it through the night. And help him to let go of his shame so that he can see the victory in staying sober another day. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
God, give me strength to resist. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to relapse. I want to stay sober.
“Amen.”
I pulled my hand back and grabbed my drink from the console. Rick waited for me at the entrance before following me inside the building. The familiar smell of instant coffee and old linoleum permeated my senses as I tried to focus on the present. Every minute that passed was another minute I stayed sober and eventually the urge would completely pass. I knew it would because it had before. And I wasn’t alone. Not in the room fullof people who knew exactly what I was going through. And not when I had God helping me to overcome the temptation.
July 4, Saturday
Emory
The sun was reflecting off of my phone screen, and I winced as it burned my eyes.Fucking hell.
I moved my phone down from the stand that I had suctioned to the windshield and placed it in the cupholder. The last thing I needed was to have an allergic reaction while I was driving. Unfortunately, I had no fucking clue where I was going, and not being able to read the street signs meant that I relied entirely on my phone’s navigation.
I’d never been to Big Lake, but I knew it was a popular spot for summer boating and fishing. It was about an hour away from Anchorage and I wasn’t looking forward to having to drive back home tonight. I reminded myself that I was here to spend time with my friends and not draw attention to myself by isolating.
It was also a good distraction from the ticking time bomb in the back of my mind of when Enoch would finally wake up and decide I wasn’t worth his time. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he didn’t think I was a bad person. I wanted to believe that he still loved me. I wanted to believe that he forgave me.
But there was only so much one person could forgive, and the rest of my secrets would only break the levy. My music abruptly paused again.
“At the roundabout, take the third exit for South Big Lake Road,” My phone blared out, the speaker distorted by the cupholder.
“Continue for 1.6 miles. Your destination is on your right.”
I replaced my phone in the windshield stand, the sun no longer causing a glare. I kept my eyes peeled for a sign indicating the boat launch where I was to meet my friends. I slowed down as my position on the map crept closer to my destination and my shoulders relaxed when I spotted the sign.
I turned into the gravel drive, the blue lake water visible at the end of the lot. I carefully maneuvered around the packed lot full of empty boat trailers, small campers, and parked vehicles. I noticed the toll booth but couldn’t make out what the fee was to park. I sighed, focusing on finding a parking spot. I managed to squeeze into a space parked beneath some trees.
I pulled up Lottie’s contact and put my phone between my ear and shoulder as I collected my things from the front seat.
“Hey! You here?”
“Yeah. Just parked at the coordinates you sent me. I have no idea how I’m supposed to get on the boat from here but…I’m here.”
Lottie chuckled, the wind crackling through the speaker, “We’ll pull up to the little dock. Baby, how many minutes to reach the dock?”
