July 3, Friday
Enoch
I held onto Shiloh like I could carry the weight of her past. Like I might be able to transfer her burdens onto my own shoulders if held her close enough to my body. I wanted to cry for her, scream for her, turn back time and open my eyes to what she was suffering through, but none of that would change the present. None of that would make this any easier right now.
I kissed the top of her head where I held her to my chest. “I love you. All of you. Always.”
Shiloh’s hands fisted in my shirt loosened their grip and she looked up at me. “I think…I think you’re just in shock right now. I think you’re going to realize soon enough that you loved the person you thought I was. Not amurderer.” She shuddered as she uttered the word, like the title made her sick.
I shook my head, my hands holding her cheeks as I studied her sad eyes. “I’m shocked that I had no idea what you were hiding. I’m shocked that I didn’t see how much you were suffering. I’m shocked that you survived what you did and you’re standing here today to tell me about it. But I’ve never been surer of anything in my life when I tell you that I love you. I love thegirl I knew in high school, and I love the woman standing in front of me right now. And I’ll wait a lifetime for you to believe me.”
Her teeth dug into her bottom lip, her eyes squeezing shut as she sucked in a shaky breath. Her hands came up to cover my own and I pressed a kiss on her forehead.
“I love you,” I whispered against her skin again. “Always.”
Of all the things I thought she was hiding from me, I never could have imagined the reality of what she went through. And that was just the beginning. She was living in that hell for another year and a half before the FBI put her into witness protection. My stomach lurched at the prospect of everything else she might have endured. Of all the other secrets she was burying in her mind, of all the other reasons she had for believing she was unworthy of my love.
My biggest regret in life would always be that I never pushed her to tell me the truth. That I willfully believed the lies she told, even when I was suspicious. I will always regret giving her space, dismissing the warning signs that were clearly there but I was too naïve to challenge.
Everything about our short time together in high school was suddenly being seen with 20/20 vision. The panic attacks, the nightmares, the physical toll on her body from the stress. How many times was she sick in front of me? How many times did I ignore the bruises and scars on her body? How many times did I notice the bags under eyes, or how hollow her cheeks had become? How many times did I let her push me away when she didn’t want to be questioned about the truth?
My stomach swirled with nausea, and I bent down, grabbing the backs of her thighs and swiftly placed her on the cool countertop. I hooked her legs behind my back and tipped her chin up until she opened her eyes.
I tried to pour every ounce of my sorrow, regret and grief into my gaze as I memorized the flecks of green and yellow in her eyes.
“What can I do?”
Her brows furrowed and I smiled softly, using my thumb to smooth out the gap between them. “What do you need right now?”
She cleared her throat, her eyes flicking to Jae who was digging through the utensil drawer. “I dunno.”
“Are you hungry?”
She shook her head. I bit into my lip while I thought about what might help.
“What do you do when you want to relax?”
“Um, watch something, I guess.”
I nodded with a small smile. “Easy. What do you like to watch?”
She hesitated, but I waited her out until she sighed and relented. “I like to rewatch my favorite show.” I raised a brow for her to elaborate, and she rolled her eyes. “It’s calledArcane.”
Jae gasped and we both turned towards him.
“No shit? Like the anime based on theLeague of Legendsvideo game?”
Shiloh nodded against my hold on her cheeks and Jae beamed. “Hell yeah! I’ll get it loaded up. Here,” he pushed the container of ice cream towards where we were at the island and licked his finger. “Hurry, the ice cream is starting to get all melty.”
I laughed softly and turned back to Shiloh. “You don’t want any ice cream?”
“I don’t…” her eyes flicked to floor behind us before coming back to mine. “I don’t understand what’s happening right now? How can you be acting so…normalafter hearing everything Ijust confessed. Did you not hear me? Did you not understand what I just said?”
Enoch frowned with a sigh through his nose, “We heard you. And we’re not diminishing the trauma that you just revealed, we’re just trying to take a moment to decompress…so none of us ends up with our heads in the toilet again—”
“Hey,” Jae interrupted. “Emotions upset my stomach sometimes. But he’s right. We’re not trying to just sweep it under the rug…it’s just, I know I wouldn’t want to keep dwelling on it. I’d want a distraction for a minute.”
“Right,” I added, with a nod, turning my attention back to Shiloh. “We can put it in a box, tuck it away for a little while, and focus on the present, focus on something a little less heavy. Is that okay with you? Or is there something else you wanted to share right now?”
