I nodded, arms wrapping tightly around my stomach, as if it would protect me from their judgement. From my own damnation.
“So, you got fucked by seven men. Got high. Or maybe the other way around. And then came for an innocent little sleepover with us.” Jae nodded to himself. “That’s some fucked shit. And what was Enoch to you? Some game?” Jae shook his head with disdain, putting on a mocking tone. “Oh, let me get the shy kid to fall in love with me, while I go around getting coked out and gang banged.”
I ground my teeth together.
“It wasn’t afuckinggame. And I didn’t get fucked by seven men for fucking fun.”
“Oh, we know,” Jae sneered. “You were some ‘hero’ who helped the FBI take down the big, bad criminals.”
“I never said I was a hero,” I ground out. “I never pretended to be one either.”
“I don’t…” Enoch finally spoke, his brows bunched, and I braced myself for the pain of his judgement.
Jae pushed on when Enoch trailed off. “What’s the other part? You said it was twofold?”
Hell, this is so fucking humiliating. It’s like I’m back with Agent Nguyen confessing everything for their records.I scoffed to myself.Maybe Jae should consider a career change.
I took another deep breath, but it didn’t help the building nausea or the sweat sticking my hair to the back of my neck.
“So, that was the flesh. The blood…was someone else’s.”
“Fuck. You actually killed someone,” Jae mumbled, sounding shocked despite the fact that he had already accused me of doing so just minutes ago.
“Yes.”
The sound of Enoch gasping made me curl further into myself. I swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth even though it felt like it was turning to cement in my esophagus. I was too scared to see Enoch’s face. I dug my nails into my palms as Enoch finally opened his mouth to speak.
“Why? Why would you do all of that to join a gang?”
I closed my eyes, the unwanted memories fresh in my mind. I wished I could just blot them out permanently.
“I joined because I didn’t want to die.”
There was a heavy silence before Jae spoke up.
“Really? So, some gang member just approached you one day after school and held a gun to your head? Said, ‘join or I kill you?’” He mocked in a voice much deeper than his own.
My nails bit into my palms harder and I tried to breathe through the pain blooming in the middle of my chest. The weight of the secrets wasn’t getting lighter in sharing them. They were only crushing me further.
I needed that gun.
I needed that gun so fucking badly.
“No,” I huffed with frustration.
“Then, why? Was your brother involved too? Did he force you to join?” Enoch asked.
My ears were starting to ring with how loudly my damn pulse was pounding in my head.Dammit. Breathe, Shiloh.
“Neither of us had a choice. It was our dad. He-he owed Carlos, and my brother was meant to pay off that debt. But then he was murdered, framed for something he didn’t do, and Carlos turned to me for the debt payment.” I paused, swallowing the scream rising in my throat. It was all right there. Like it had just happened. The rage, the fear, the shock.
I held it in.
“You told everyone he killed himself,” Jae said with skepticism. “Now you’re saying he was murdered? By the fucking mayor of all people?”
My hands shook with how hard I was clenching them, how hard I was trying to ground myself with the pain as Javi’s last moments filled my mind.
“Cierra tus ojos, güerita.”
