“I know about your sobriety,” I admitted.
There was a moment of silence before he spoke. “Well, now this makes sense. You’re worried about me relapsing?”
“I know it’s not technically my fault if you chose to drink, but I can’t help but think about the negative impact I will have on your life. I don’t want…” I sighed, relishing the sting of my cuts for a moment. “I don’t want to be responsible for any more pain in your life. I won’t hurt you again.”
My chest caved as he tried to reach out for me but I moved out of his reach.
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” I muttered, eyes cast on my lap.
Enoch chuckled.Why the hell is he laughing?I looked over at him to find him staring at me. He turned his eyes back to the road, “So, I don’t get a choice here? You’ve just decided for me that we can’t even be friends because you’re dangerous for my sobriety?”
“Enoch, I’m not just dangerous to your sobriety. I’m dangerous period. I wish that I could permanently erase every fucked-up thing I’ve ever done. But I can’t fucking escape it. It’s burned into my fucking DNA. I’ll always be this person…and I can’t change that. I will always be a danger to anyone who is in my life, especially now that—” I cut myself off, shaking my head. “Just, especially now. There is no reason for us to continue seeing each other.”
Enoch didn’t hesitate to respond. “We’ve all made mistakes, Shiloh. You think I’m perfect? I’m far from it. I’ve spent the last four years running away from my problems, I let myself get addicted to alcohol and nearly died in the process. I’m not perfect either. I’m human. And so are you. And I told you…I’ve already forgiven you. For everything.”
“Really?” I scoffed and glanced over at his face. “It’s not that simple. You can’t…I didn’t do anything to earn it.”
“Because you don’t have to.”
I huffed in frustration, my hands itching for something sharper to purge these feelings from my body. Purge the wickedness from my veins. Make me clean enough to be worthy of him, worthy of living.
“See. This-this is exactly why I don’t deserve to be around someone like you. You’re too damn nice. You always have been. And I’m just gonna fuck up your life again if I stay in it.”
My stomach dropped as we pulled onto Enoch’s street.
“I’m sorry, but you’re wrong,” he said, putting the car in park in his driveway.
“I’m wrong?”
“Yes. And I’ll tell you why if you just come inside and talk to me. It doesn’t have to end like this, Shiloh. I can see how much this is killing you, keeping it all inside. I can’t force you to tell me, to let me share this burden, or to forgive yourself…but I want you to try. And I want you to stop worrying about how itwill affect me. I know it was Jae who told you, and I want you to ignore whatever he said. I know myself better than anyone and I know that if I relapsed, Shiloh, that would be no one’s fault but my own.”
“Do you have zero concern for your life? Why are you doing this? Why am I so important to you? You don’t know me, Enoch. You really don’t. And I don’t want to ruin whatever version of me you think is worth all this effort by telling you everything. Because dammit, Enoch, I want you to walk away from this still believing that I was a good person. I want you to believe that. I do. But that’s not going to happen if I say it all out loud. I don’t think—no, I know I won’t be able to stand the look on your face when you realize you’ve put someone from your past on a pedestal that has never deserved it. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. So, please…please, I need you to just. Let. Me. Go.”
Enoch’s jaw twitched as he looked out his window. The tension pulled taught as he turned back to face me.
“No,” he said with finality. “Come inside. Come inside and let me prove it to you. Everything has led us to this moment together and I will not let you throw away this chance that God has given us. Friends…or more. That’s up to you. But I’m not going to let the past prevent us from having a future.”
Enoch exited the car, walked around the front, and opened my door. He held out his hand and my eyes flared with anger.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I gritted out.
His shoulders dropped as he stared down at me, “Because this isn’t the end. Because I’m not letting you go this time. Because I won’t let you do whatever it is you were planning when I found you on the side of the road.”
My stomach plummeted to the floor and I swallowed roughly.
I eyed his hand, my mind at war with my selfish heart.
It didn’t feel like my own volition when I placed my sweaty palm into his. Something had come over me, and it was too late to turn back as he pulled me from the car and laced our fingers together, leading me inside his house. I was in a daze, one hand still clutching my backpack, as I followed his movements and slipped off my shoes.
My heart was racing out of my chest as we climbed the stairs, and I cursed, running into Enoch’s back as he abruptly stopped before the final landing.
I steadied myself with the railing, “Enoch?”
When he didn’t immediately respond, I peered around him to find Jae standing at the kitchen island staring at me with a death glare.
Fuck.
Thirteen
