And I couldn’t just leave him, not after our non-date date the night before last. And especially not after Jae’s threats. I knew I wasn’t technically at fault if Enoch relapsed, but I didn’t want any more guilt if he did.
If it was as bad as Jae made it seem, then I really shouldn’t be giving him any more truths. I didn’t want to be the catalyst that sent him backwards in his recovery. If he was doing so well before I popped back into his life, then surely, he would continue to do better if I stayed out of it.
Enoch already warned me against leading him on. I needed to end it now before things got any further. It was just a matter of how to do this in the least traumatizing way possible.
Nothing I had drafted seemed right. Was there a ‘right’ way to tell someone that you didn’t want to be friends? I should havebeen good at lying at this point, but when it came to Enoch I didn’t want to lie anymore. There were too many lies already circling us, closing in and at the cusp of being exposed.
If I hadn’t let myself hope, if I hadn’t been so selfish, so weak, I would have pulled the trigger already and then I wouldn’t be stuck weaving another web of lies for Enoch to believe.
Enoch,
I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I apologize sincerely for hurting you, so I ask your forgiveness, not for my selfish desires, but so that you might find closure and stop holding onto the misplaced guilt I know that you feel as a result of my actions. Forgive me for every lie I’ve ever told you. For leading you on back then, for letting you believe that we had a future when I knew that I was going to be leaving for the job they had assigned me. Forgive me for getting involved with you when I knew I was putting your life in danger by continuing to spend time with you and your family. Forgive me for leaving you that voicemail instead of saying goodbye in person like I should have done weeks and weeks prior. Forgive me for using your friendship as a crutch, for being selfish and using your kindness as a means to an end, for not thinking about how my actions would affect you. And forgive me for not apologizing sooner, for not expressing my remorse the moment we ran into each other again. For not making reparations for my hurtful actions. For making excuses and continuing to lie to you by not being fully honest about the things that I’ve done.
I am eternally grateful for the chance that I was given to answer some of your questions and to give youthis chance at closure, but it’s time that we both moved on in separate directions. I know that the future for you is bright and I wish you the best.
-Emory
I reread the message I finally sent before locking my phone and staring at the calendar on my wall.
1679.
Four years, seven months and four days.
No more counting. This was it. I’d already drafted an email to Lottie and Mason that would time-release send on Monday. It was short but included the story I’d made up about moving back home to Oklahoma because my dad had died. It was a little difficult to believe, considering I’d told them that I was in Anchorage to hide from my abusive family, but I couldn’t think of anything more creative that wouldn’t have them come looking for me.
My phone began vibrating and my stomach flipped.Of course he’s calling me. I should’ve seen this coming.
I declined the call and slumped against the counter.
It immediately rang and I silenced it again with a heavy sigh.
He’ll be okay. He has Jae. He doesn’t need me.
I took a last look around my apartment. It was furnished when WITSEC set me up here, clearly from the previous tenant based on the age of the furniture, but it was the first thing that had been mine, even though it never really felt like home.
I ignored another incoming call from Enoch, leaving my phone behind as I picked up my backpack from the counter. I pushed through the anxiety in my gut and left my apartment, not bothering to lock the door behind me.
I took the stairs down to the first floor and stepped outside, thankful that I hadn’t run into anyone.
I took several deep breaths to stave off the inexplicable sudden urge to cry as I walked down the sidewalk in the general direction of the mountains. The idea was to hike and hike until I found a remote enough spot to do it. I was counting on the animals eating my decaying body so it became unrecognizable in the event that someone came across it.
There had been a myriad of other options, but none of them mitigated the risks of being discovered. I couldn’t put my friends through another suicide again. I didn’t want them to find my body. Or even think to go looking for one. And I had hoped that the way I was leaving was enough for them to not come looking for me.
It was warmer than usual today, the sun shining, causing a sweat to break out. I regretted wearing a sweatshirt and pants as I pushed up my sleeves to my elbows.
I cut through the park behind my building and turned onto the main road that would lead me closer to the trailhead I’d picked out to start my ascent into the Chugach Mountains.
I jumped back from the edge of the sidewalk, heart in my throat as a car pulled to a screeching halt beside me.
My eyes went wide as I stared at Enoch’s gaping face.
He rolled down the passenger window, “Get in!”
Cars behind him honked as they were forced to try and merge through traffic to go around him.
I blinked, the gun in my bag like a ticking time bomb.
I shook my head.
