She tilted her head, like me spilling that fact was intriguing. She reached for her coffee cup on the small table beside her and took a sip.
“You’ve never talked about that before. What I’m hearing you say is that you’re holding a lot of guilt over your past actions. And you’re using that guilt to make assumptions about what other people, specifically Enoch, will think of you.”
She sipped her coffee for a few more silent moments before really digging in. “Enoch’s opinion of you seems to hold a lot of weight for you. Why is that?”
“It’s not that I care. It’s thathecares. About me. And with what he knows, with everything I’ve never told him, he’s painted this picture of me that isn’t accurate. I don’twantto disappoint him, I just…Ineedto take responsibility for my actions and make amends, because as much as he says he already forgives me, it’s not real. It can’t be. Not when I haven’t actually confessed to everything I’ve done.”
“Why are you worried about disappointing him if you don’t care?”
I huffed. “Idon’tcare. I just…I’m selfish and I want to pretend like I’m forgiven. Pretend like I deserve to have him in my life. Pretend like we could be happy together. Pretend like we have a chance at a future.”
“And you don’t deserve him because…?” She took another sip of her coffee, and I tugged on the pillow tassel.
“Keep up, Sarah. You’re well aware that WITSEC is in the business of protecting and relocatingcriminals. Just because I was going to testify against some other criminals, that doesn’t negate the fact that I too was a criminal.”
She narrowed her eyes like she was trying to sort out some puzzle.
“It’s not that complicated, Sarah. I’m not a good person. I’ve done some really fucked-up things and I’m an even shittier person because I’ve been willfully dishonest about the shit I’ve done. My whole identity is a lie, and until now I’ve been fine with keeping my past a secret. But I can’t continue to lie to him. Not after everything I put him through. Not knowing how horrible my actions affected him. Not when he’s giving me forgiveness when I don’t even deserve it.”
“That seems pretty black and white, then. You made mistakes and now you’re permanently a shitty person? You can never change?”
“Pretty much,” I shrugged.
“Hm. So, Enoch’s never made mistakes?”
She smiled, like she’d caught me in my own web of misguided thinking.
“I wouldn’t classify my wrongdoings as ‘mistakes’,” I deadpanned. “You’re making it sound like I accidentally spilled some coffee on his lap. I committedfelonies. My moral compass was nonexistent for a while.”
She pointed her finger at me, with ana-haexpression.
“See, right there. You just said, ‘for a while’. So, you’re saying you have a moral compass now, but you didn’t while you were committing the crimes?”
I shook my head with frustration. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I think foryouthe scales are black and white. But you’re willing to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt.”
“It’s not a benefit of the doubt. You think that amurdererdeserves to be roaming the streets on the loose?”
Her brows rose and I realized I had just implied that I was a murderer. I’d never confessed any crimes to her. I’d never wanted to, even if I had been allowed; it was easier to live the lie I was selling to everyone else if I never talked about the past.
She sighed, setting her coffee down. “Let’s go back to what you said earlier. You said that you were a bad person for being selfish. Because you didn’t want to be honest with him. It’s clear that you do have a moral compass. You have guilt over your actions. You feel remorse. And you’re worried about hurting someone that you care about. Those all point to traits of a good person. Someone with an intact, functioningmoral compass. You’re empathetic, you’re self-aware and reflective…I don’t see how any of that makes you a bad person.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up a finger, silencing me.
“It’s in our nature to want to protect ourselves. It’s natural to want to hide things that we are ashamed of. And that does not make you a bad person, Emory. Look, we could go round and round all day, but until you decide whether or not to be honest with Enoch about your past mistakes, you will never know how he will react.”
I closed my eyes, letting my head hit the back of the couch.
“So, you’re telling me to just grow a pair and tell him already?”
“Tell him, or don’t tell him. I can’t tell you what to do. But you’re clearlywantingto tell him. So, put yourself out of your own misery and just do it. His reaction is not your responsibility. And I’ll be here to help you get through whatever the aftermath looks like. Negative orpositive.”
I groaned. “Fuck. I don’t want it to be over yet though. It’s, like, why can’t I just have a few moments of good? I mean, I know I don’t deserve it, after everything, you know? Well, I guess you don’t. You don’t know what I’ve done. But…”
“Over? As in your relationship or your life?”
Her neutral expression was unnerving, but I remembered she did this for a living, and this was probably just another Wednesday for her.
