I swallowed, flicking my gaze back to the pillow in my lap.
“I don’t know. Both?”
She took a deep breath and crossed her ankles. “This is avoidance again. You’re avoiding dealing with your feelings because you think that it will somehow protect you. But I think you’ll find that you are more than capable of handling challenging emotions, handle them well enough to not think suicide is the answer to atemporaryfeeling.”
I couldn’t even go a few hours without harming myself this past week. She was grossly overestimating my ability to cope withanyamount of emotions.
“Alright, let’s put a pin in this topic. It’s clear you’re still unsure about what to do regarding speaking to Enoch, and that’s perfectly fine. There is no deadline here, Emory. You have the time to keep considering this. But for now, is there anything else you want to talk about today? We’ve got some more time left in our session.”
There was a deadline though. I was on my last life. I was committed to that number, seven, and I refused to go past it. Only, I didn’t know when it was going to end unless I took matters into my own hands. So, really, how much time did I have to find the courage to confess? When at any moment someone could come after me and hurt me? Or worse, hurt my friends to get to me?
“No,” I sighed, tossed the pillow into the other corner of the couch as I sat upright.
“Alright then, Emory. Should we schedule for next week?”
I contemplated. I never actually left her office feeling any better than I did when I walked in, if anything, I felt worse. But it wasn’t like I had anyone else to talk to about this shit. Not when I was still obligated, despite ending my contract, to continue using my new identity and not to release any information to the public regarding my time in WITSEC. And she was the one who got me out of WITSEC. Maybe it was worth coming to see her, just until I got through this shit with Enoch.
“Sure. Same time works for me.”
If I’m still here.
She nodded with a smile and stood from her chair.
Sarah opened the door for me, and I trudged past with a wave over my shoulder as I walked out.
The drive home took longer than I wanted it to, although I wasn’t mad about the additional time spent screaming along to my favorite songs. I parked in the garage, gave polite smiles to the residents that greeted me in passing, and finally made it up to my apartment. I dropped my bag onto the floor and slipped out of my shoes.
I landed face first on the sofa, the energy to get up and cook myself dinner long past spent. When I was sure I was about to suffocate, I finally rolled over and pulled my phone out of my pocket.
An involuntary smile formed on my lips at the text notifications waiting for me.
Enoch: So this is the state of the guest bathroom.
I gaped at the image he’d sent. There was nothing left of the bathroom but a hole in the floor where the toilet once was and the shower. I zoomed in, and realized the shower was missing the tub faucet and showerhead.
Enoch: I might have gotten carried away during demo.
Enoch: Any chance you want to go to the hardware store with me right now and pick out some new fixtures?
I glanced at the time passed since he sent that text. Thirty minutes.
I hope you’re having fun at the store.
I watched the delivered notification blip to seen. My heart skipped a beat, and I waited for him to reply.
Enoch: Was just about to leave my house actually. You busy now?
My foot shook with nerves as I stared at his message. My therapist was right. I needed to fucking grow a pair. Hanging out with him right now was only going to make it harder to confess.
I just got home and was about to make some dinner.
Enoch: I can feed you something.
Enoch: Food.
Enoch: That wasn’t meant to sound sexual.
Enoch: Sorry. You probably knew what I meant and I just made this weird.
