Until I realized they’d boxed me in.
“Fuck,” I spat, clenching the car keys into my hands painfully.
“Watch it!” Eden admonished. “You don’t need to be dropping f-bombs in front of my kids, Nox.”
Shame was burning through my chest as I clenched my jaw.
“Please, can one of you move the car?Now.”
“Where are you going? We’re about to eat,” my mom asked with bewilderment.
I was fucking vibrating from trying to keep myself from lashing out again. But if I didn’t leave now, I’d be stuck here, Jae would come home, I’d have to explain why he was freaking out about the alcohol, have to tell my parents the truth—no, not just my parents, my whole fucking extended family. They’d know. They’d know I was a failure. That I was weak. That I’d made a stupid, dumbass decision and almost broke my nearly one-year sobriety just because I didn’t want to feel left out. Because I wanted to feel connected to the family thatIhad shoved a giantwedge between. Because I missed the person I used to be and believed that alcohol would solve the problem even when I knew it’d only cause me a million and one more.
“I’ve got to take care of something. Can you move the car or give me the keys so that I can do it for you?” I asked through clenched teeth, a bite to my tone that was anything but polite.
“Seriously Nox, knock it off. Don’t talk to mom like,” Eden said with a level of authority she’d only perfected since becoming a mother herself.
“Just move the damn car!” I shouted, immediately regretting opening my mouth. I slammed my fist into my forehead.
Eden balked and Ruthie’s eyes went wide. Auntie gently pushed them to move, ushering them into the house. I could see the confusion, the hurt on my mom’s face as she stared at me. The wind blew her hair, and she swatted it out of her face with a huff.
“I know ya ain’t talkin’ to your mama like that for no good reason.”
I stifled the urge to shout again, opting to take a deep breath like I knew I should have done several times before now.
“I’m sorry for shouting. I justreallyneed to take care of something. I’m in a hurry. Please.”
Something on my face softened her features and she sighed, fishing the keys from her purse.
“Here,” she said, walking towards me.
“Thank you,” I said on sharp exhale.
I left my duffle and backpack on the ground as I slipped into the rental car. I pulled it out, parking it on the street, before quickly walking back to my car.
My mom was still in the driveway. Staring at me with I’m sure a million questions, but I avoided looking at her face. I didn’t need another crack in my resolve.
I was leaving. I was going to stay sober. And I was going to be shitty brother and let Jae deal with the alcohol in the house however he saw fit. I was making a mess for him, making shit harder than it needed to be, but this was not the time for me to divulge this secret. Not when I was acting like a prick who was pissed at his family for tempting him when they didn’t even know about the problem in the first place.
I pulled out of the driveway, my heart still pounding.
I needed to tell Jae before he blew up my phone but getting myself somewhere I could calm down was my first priority. I wanted to go to Shiloh’s, but I wasn’t going to take my shit to her when she was in the throes of her own addiction battle. She was already vulnerable and didn’t need any more stress on her plate. I’d think about seeing her after I’d calmed down. After I’d gotten these feelings to pass.
At the next red light, I pulled up Jae’s location, checking he wasn’t at home yet. I should have felt some relief, but there was fucking brick in my stomach. I navigated through my media console until I pulled up my recent calls, tapping on Jae’s name after a long moment of hesitation.
Jae answered on the third ring, and I forced the words out.
“I fucked up.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, concern evident in his tone.
My knee bounced.
“There’s beer at the house.”
“Shit,” Jae cursed under his breath. “Okay. Where’d you put it? I’ll get rid of it.”
I swallowed, face on fire with shame. My gut twisted uncomfortably at how easily Jae was accepting the fact that I very well could have just relapsed.
