It wasn’tallbad. If it had been, I wouldn’t have survived as long as I did. Or maybe I was just unwilling to admit that I let myself believe that was the only kind of love I deserved. The kind that hurt. The kind that punished.
“Nox knows about this?” he said when I didn’t respond, gesturing towards the scar.
I nodded and he took a step back.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here now. And we get to enjoy the culinary expertise of Shi—sorry, Emory Crawford.”
I chuckled, grateful for the subject change. “You haven’t even tasted anything yet.”
He shrugged with an easy smile. “It looks good, and the chicken has been in there all of five minutes and it’s already smelling amazing.”
I rolled my eyes and placed the potatoes on the rack below the chicken in the oven.
There was a long pause of silence, and I realized that Jae was staring at me. I ground my teeth together, flicking my gaze to him with a raised brow.
“Yes?”
Jae cracked his knuckles. “We’re good, yeah?”
“What?” My eyes narrowed.
“Like…do you trust me?”
I took a breath to try to level my growing frustration. “Yeah. I do. I just don’t feel like explaining myself when I know you won’t understand.”
He chewed his lip, studying a spot on the counter for a moment.
“I want to. I want to understand it. I know…” he sighed, looking back up at me. “I know I was a fucktrumpet before. I was stupid and hurt and scared. And I did hate you a little bit, because I didn’t take the time to understand why or how you had come to be in this…mess. I was only thinking about us. About Nox, about our family and everything he went through. I was scared that you were going to hurt him. It was easier to just assume you were at fault, assume you were a bad person, judge you without any details.”
I crossed my arms, leaning against the counter, and nodded in understanding.
“And I was angry, that we hadn’t been able to help you. I hate that. I hate that feeling of being helpless, of not being able to fix things. And I know now. I know that you were in an impossible position. That you weren’t being selfish, you were just trying to stay afloat while simultaneously trying to keep us all safe. I can’t…”
Jae crossed the distance between us, leaning against the counter next to me. “I cannot even begin to imagine what you were going through and I’m just…I just really hope that I never did anything to make things shittier for you. I know I had guessed about the drug use, and I’d definitely questioned your relationship with that guy you said was your boyfriend—”
“Adrian,” I supplied.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “Adrian. But…Looking back now, it’s like, fuck. You know? How the fuck did wenotnotice? How the fuck did welivelike everything was normal? The sleepover, the panic attack, I—Look, I’ve got chills right now just thinking about that night.”
He held out his arm in front of me, and I frowned at the goosebumps.
“We all knewsomethingwas going on. We all suspected, but we were too willing to brush it off as you grieving your brother. We should’ve—Ishould’ve pressed harder. I can’t help but wish we had smuggled you to Baba and Ded’s.” Jae chuckled and my mouth twitched with a smile. I loved them, loved how much they loved me the handful of times I saw them.
“I mean, fuck, you know Nox’s dad was like a fucking special agent or whatever in the Air Force? He must have contacts or something, someone that could’ve gotten you out.”
I bit into my lip, my skin itching with the desire to cut. Guilt. Anger. Bitterness. I hated the feelings. I wanted to bleed them out.
I had no clue what his dad did in the Air Force, or that he might have had contacts. Even if I had known, I wouldn’t have used his help, wouldn’t have taken that risk.
“But I know that at the end of the day you were just trying to keep us safe, and I know it’s shitty, but I’m grateful that you did. That you sacrificed yourself. I hate it. But…I’m still grateful. Grateful that we’re here now. Together.”
He put his arm around my back, pulling me into a side hug and I let myself relax against his body.
I fanned my burning eyes.Grateful.
I hadn’t been seeking a thank you, but the weight of Jae’s words seemed to lift some invisible weight off of my chest.
Grateful.
