I nodded again.
“What do you use?”
My hands sought out my flesh on reflex, an escape from all the uncomfortable emotions constricting my vocal cords from admitting it out loud. I forcefully unfurled my fists and reached for my backpack at my feet. I unzipped the larger pocket and reached inside for the razors.
I placed them on the coffee table between us.
“Anything else besides razor blades and your nails?”
“Not usually,” I ground out.
I’d gotten creative in the past when I was desperate. The sharp corner of a TV remote, a plastic fork, a pen.
Sarah hummed in response, and I wiped my palms down my jeans, trying not to explode.
“Hmm? What’s that mean?”
“It means, thank you for being honest. I can imagine that it’s difficult to share this with me.”
I blinked and she continued.
“I can’t say I recommend that you continue self-harming, but I understand that it’s a difficult behavior to stop. It can be addictive for some.”No fucking shit.“Is your boyfriend aware of how your coping?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yes. He accidentally found out about it this weekend. Convinced me to text you to meet with you.”
“I see.”
My skin felt hot, and I drummed my fingers against my thighs.
“I’d like to offer you some alternatives, some options that might be helpful that don’t involve hurting yourself. Are you open to hearing them?”
“Sure,” I sighed, opening my eyes to stare at the dried blood beneath my nails. I didn’t even get to fucking enjoy the high of the pain I’d caused myself. What a fucking waste.
“Can I dispose of these razors?”
I eyed them, my heart jumping at the thought of not having a method of escape after this appointment.
“Fine.”
“Okay,” she said with a pleased smile despite my lack of enthusiasm. She stepped behind her desk, grabbing a binder and flipping through it until she pulled out a piece of paper. She placed it on the coffee table between us. I leaned forward to read it.
“TIPP?” I said with a raised brow as I looked up at her.
“Yes. You just practiced that last one. Progressive muscle relaxation. The others such as holding an ice cube against your skin or doing jumping-jacks can also be helpful. It’s important to have a distraction available to ride the wave of emotions out until you’re feeling calm again.”
I sighed and nodded, picking up the paper and folding it up to put into my bag.
“Do you feel up to discussing why that phrase caused such a strong reaction?”
My knee bounced and the anger was already right there beneath my skin, burning me up from the inside out.
“No.”
“Okay. Is there something else you want to talk about today?”
I shook my head. No way in fucking hell was I going to go through that list again in just a few days.
Sarah’s lips thinned like she was slightly disappointed but nodded.
