I wish…
“Has that ever happened before?”
I sighed trying to ignore all the reasons why I should be pushing Enoch away.
“Um, yeah.”
“So, they happen often? Is that why you take Xanax?”
I shook my head, rolling over to grasp the ice and return it to my face. I focused on the cool dampness of the towel, desperate to avoid thinking about literally anything else.
“Do you want me to turn the lights off? I know it’s early, but we could just go to sleep.”
“What about Jae?”
“He’s a big boy. He can take care of himself.”
I pulled my hand back from his chest. Space. I needed space. Enoch always made my head spin out of control. I was acting like a fucking selfish fuckwit, and I needed to screw my head on straight. I shouldn’t have come tonight. I should never have started something I knew I’d never finish with him.
My body shifted as Enoch’s weight left the bed.
Fuck, did he say he was leaving or something?
“Enoch?”
“Don’t worry. I just hit the lights,” he explained as he returned to bed. “I texted Jae we’re gonna be up here for a while.”
I growled in frustration and cursed my damn mind for ruining the evening.
“I’m a terrible friend to him. I feel like I always end up with you in your room whenever we make plans to hang out as a group.”
“Gee, you don’t have to sound so disappointed by my company,” he said, but I could tell by his voice that he was smiling.
“Shut up.”
The silence stretched and I found myself shaking my foot to stay awake.
“What are you thinking about?”
I huffed into darkness. “How much you’d hate me if you knew me.”
I was glad I couldn’t see his face to judge his reaction. I kept mine blank, waiting for him to respond. The silence seemed to drag on forever and I figured he’d fallen asleep, so I rolled away from him.I will tell him after Sebastian’s party that I’m not interested. Then cut ties. With both of them. Well, all of them. Sebastian. Enoch. Jae. They don’t deserve their lives to be fucked up by my mess of a life. The sooner I say goodbye the better it is for everyone.
“I don’t think I could ever hate you, Shy.”
Fuck.I clutched my hand to my chest, feeling it bang erratically. “I thought you fell asleep, shitbird. You’re gonna send me into cardiac arrest.”
Enoch slid his arm over my waist until he had enough leverage to turn my body and pull it against his front.
“Sorry. I was just trying to think of a reason as to why in the world I would ever hate you. And unless you’re a member of the KKK or a neo-Nazi or something, I just don’t have a hateful bone in my body. Sure, I might dislike someone, but, honestly, short of what I just mentioned, I don’t think I could ever hate you.”
I shook my head. If he only knew he was hugging a murderer.
Yeah, sure, it was under duress, Shiloh, but still. You fucking killed someone. You. Took. Their. Life.
I told myself that I was just putting them out of their misery. But that sentiment didn’t work. Not really. Not when I let myself remember the way the trigger felt when I pressed it or remember the coppery smell of his blood that was already pooling beneath him before I shot him. Not when I remembered his dead eyes as Carlos removed the head covering and I realized who exactly I had just murdered.
My palms started sweating.
