When the guy answered, his first reaction was very obvious surprise, followed by an immediate leap to concern.
‘Hey.Is everything okay?Is something wrong?’
‘No.Yes.I mean, can I talk to you?’
That’s when her ex-husband stepped back and let her in the door.
‘The boys are asleep – they both crashed out on the couch, and I was just about to lift them up to bed, but I can wake them…’ he offered, still clearly confused as he led her through to what she saw was an open-plan kitchen and living room.And yes, there were her babes, Sid in his favourite Spiderman pyjamas, and Alfie, arm slung over his brother, was wearing a Buzz Lightyear spacesuit.Obviously no one had told him there are no dinosaurs in space.
She kept her tone low so as not to disturb them.‘No, no – you don’t need to wake them, it’s you I’ve come to speak to.’
Amber resisted her curiosity to look around.She’d never been in the house he’d moved in to after they split, but from what she could see, it looked spotlessly clean and well cared for – although there did appear to be a basketball hoop in the middle of the kitchen, but she let that go.
‘Sounds ominous.Do you want a coffee, or do I need beer for this?’
He leaned against the worktop, and this was perhaps the first time in two years the Amber could look straight at him without immediately averting her eyes because rage, or hurt, or some other negative emotion would start twisting round her gut.
‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’She was already way too amped up for more caffeine.‘I just need to ask you something.What you did… do you wish you could go back and undo it?’
He held her eye contact, not even flinching.‘Every single day.You know that.It was the biggest mistake of my life.’
‘And if I could find a way to forgive you…?’It was a question, but she couldn’t get the rest of the words out, because they were stuck somewhere in her chest, right next to her heart.
‘Then I’d beg you to come back to me.I don’t want to do life with anyone else but you.’
He wasn’t usually one to go into deep conversations about his emotions or their relationship, but this was the first opportunity she’d given him to speak calmly, without reproach or condemnation, since the night she’d found out about the affair.Back then, he’d argued that it was a one-night stand, but to her it was an affair because the emotional exchange, the foreplay, the deceit, had started weeks before.She wasn’t interested in hearing his defence or his explanations, so she’d blocked all conversation.Refused to bend.So now, hard as it was, she wanted to listen to what he had to say.
‘I know I’ve got no right to say it,’ he went on, ‘but this is what I want.You, me, the kids, Saturday night on the couch watching movies.I love you and it kills me that I blew it.I’ll never stop being sorry.To all of you.’
She nodded slowly, fear and relief and love and so many other feelings bubbling inside her, so she didn’t know which one was going to rise to the top.It was as if today had mopped up all her emotions, tossed them in a tumble drier, and somehow, at the end of the cycle, she was left with a steaming hot towel of self-reflection, doubt and regret wrapped around her heart.
Was she crazy to even consider this?Was this all just an extreme knee-jerk response to the shitshow of a day?Or was it real?Could this really be their lives again?
Her gaze went from the man she’d loved for a decade – actually, the only man she’d ever loved – over to her sleeping boys.
‘And how long will the offer of a place on the couch be available?’
‘Until you take it.’
Until you take it.
Was that what she wanted?She wasn’t sure so she wasn’t going to give him an answer now.Not today, when she could barely think straight and her decision-making skills had already landed her in an emergency situation.She wasn’t going to confuse the kids by getting them all back together and then having to let it go because the resentment or anger was still there.
‘Okay.I need to go somewhere.But I’ll think about it and get back to you.’
He stayed exactly where he was, leaning against the worktop, letting her call every shot.‘I’ll be here.’
Before she did anything she would regret, she backed out of the kitchen, turned and then went out of the front door, where her valuable social service was still waiting.
‘That bun was the best thing I’ve ever tasted, hen.Right, where to next?’
Home.Yes, she should go home.But…
‘Can you take me back to Glasgow Central Hospital?’
24
MARGE – SUNDAY 21 FEBRUARY 2021
