And that was as far as they’d got before the awkwardness had descended.Amber had broken it by going up to the counter and buying two coffees, but now that she was back at the table, it returned with a vengeance.
Estelle was the first to break the silence.‘I just realised I didn’t ask why you’re here?Are you okay?Are the boys okay?’
Amber nodded.‘Yes, yes, we’re all fine.I came with… a friend who had a fall, but it’s all ok.I was actually just about to go home.’
Another silence.
‘I’m sorry about Marge,’ she said again, in another desperate measure to break the ice.She’d never been great with silence.‘And I’m sorry I didn’t know.’
‘Why would you?It’s been two years,’ Estelle said, and there was just enough of a challenge in her voice for Amber to realise that the only way through the strain of the conversation was to face it head on.Still, she wasn’t going to confront someone who was already having a terrible time, so said nothing.It was Estelle who picked the scab first.‘Amber, I don’t know how many times I need to apologise to you about what I did before you’ll accept it.’
Amber shrugged sadly.She didn’t have an answer to that either.
‘All I can say,’ Estelle pushed on, ‘is that I truly thought I was doing the right thing.’
‘And that’s what I’ll never understand.How could you think that?How could you possibly think that hiding my husband’s affair from me was a great move for a pal?’
‘Because it was over,’ Estelle argued.
‘And what difference does that make?’Amber said, so loudly that two elderly ladies at the only other occupied table in the cafe both visibly leaned in their direction to try to hear what was going on.This would give them something to talk about over their strawberry tarts.
Amber took a breath, trying to get her heart rate down again.This was the crux of the issue – one that they would never agree on.Scenes from that awful time played on fast forward in her mind.Sid was still a toddler, Alfie was in nursery, so Amber hadn’t yet glimpsed the light of normality or free time at the end of the long tunnel of all-consuming pre-school motherhood.And yes, if she were honest, her marriage had slipped to the bottom of the priority pile, below the boys, and running her business, and paying bills, and snatched hours of sleep.Ewan had his own challenges too.He’d gone into partnership with Estelle’s boyfriend, Craig, only a couple of years before that, and they’d built a joinery business that now had several projects on the go, a growing customer base and the wages of twelve full-time staff to cover.Maybe she should have checked on him more, understood the pressure he was under too, but that said, she was never going to allow herself to take the blame for Ewan’s choices.
It was the distance she’d noticed first.His preoccupation over a few weeks in December, that felt out of sorts, but that she’d put down to the Christmas chaos, her longer than usual hours in the shop, his long shifts at work too, and the strain to cover the cost of that year’s visit from the festive fairies.And yet, even when they managed it, when it got to Christmas Day, he was still off.Still acting strange.Nothing she could put her finger on, just a feeling.But she’d been too exhausted, too worn out, too busy playing the thirty-fifth game of Buckaroo, so she’d ignored it.Until she couldn’t.
The way she’d found out was such a cliché.A text.On Christmas night.Fromher.He’d left the phone on the arm of the sofa while he carried a sleeping Alfie up to bed and it had buzzed.She didn’t even need to open it because the message was right there, on the screen.
I miss you.Our night was incredible.Please change your mind.Can you come over?
No, he fucking couldn’t come over because he was with his wife and his sleeping children.By the time he came downstairs, she’d opened the phone and read it all.He hadn’t been clever enough to change his password and the messages were still in the deleted folder.And then it had all come out.Yet another cliché, really.The joiner sleeps with the attractive, rich, bored housewife who’d employed him to instal a beauty room in her basement.The thought of it still made Amber want to retch.
The flirtation had lasted all of November and December, until he’d finally slept with her a couple of weeks before, on the night of their company Christmas party.The one that Amber had missed because Sid was running a temperature, and she didn’t want to leave him.Ewan swore that he’d ended it the next day.Realised what he’d done.Hated himself.But not as much as Amber hated him at that moment.
The next thing Amber remembered was running.Then Estelle opening the door.She didn’t even step inside.She’d blurted it out right there, on the step, in the rain, hair sticking to her and wearing slippers shaped like Christmas puddings.
‘Ewan is having an affair.’
If she had expected shock and horror, she didn’t get it.Instead, in her best friend’s face, there was nothing but sadness.
And that’s when Amber had realised… ‘You knew.’It wasn’t a question.
‘Craig told me.I’m so sorry, Amber.Come in and?—’
Amber hadn’t moved.‘When did you know?’
‘Please, Amber…’ Estelle had dodged the question.
‘WHEN DID YOU KNOW?’
‘A couple of weeks ago.When it happened.But Craig said it was over.It was a mistake, Amber…’
‘YOU FUCKING THINK??????’Amber had yelled, but the wind and rain had taken most of the volume from her words.‘How could you hide this from me?How could you take his side?’
Estelle was upset now too.‘Amber, I didn’t.Please, come in.Please.Let’s talk…’
Amber had already taken a step backwards, horrified, devastated, the heart that had been broken by her husband, now ripped out by her best friend.‘No.Not ever.’
That’s when she’d turned around and walked home.Through the rain.Ignoring the wind.The Christmas puddings sodden and falling off her feet by the time she got there.
