Pausing, I pull on my bottom lip taking a moment to formulate my thoughts. “Jackson had been really struggling in school. He was disruptive in class, arguing with teachers, constantly in detention, and I’m pretty sure he had been suspended a couple of times. He didn’t have any close friends, just random people he hung out with. I knew my parents had talked about a different custody arrangement. I don’t know if you remember, but he had been living with Mom Monday through Friday and staying with Dad on weekends after they split. Mom had told me that they were considering switching it up and doing the opposite. You know, maybe he just needed more time with my dad.” I shrug.
“I remember,” she says as she finally sits down across from me. Pulling her knees to her chest she wraps a crocheted blanket around herself leaving only the tips of her toes peeking out from underneath. She looks so tiny and vulnerable I want nothing more than to scoop her up and hold her on my lap to provide the comfort she’s seeking, but I remain where I am.
“Anyway,” I continue, “when I heard him yelling, I just assumed that’s what it was about. I was right and I was wrong.”Fuck me, this is hard. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continue, “Jackson obviously wasn’t happy about our parents’ divorce. He took it a lot harder than I did, probably because I wasn’t living at home while they were in the thick of it. While I was removed from it, he had a front row seat. Too much change, too fast – I don’t know – but he didn’t cope well.”
“Logan, what does that have to do with anything? What secrets? What have you been keeping from me?”
“I’m sorry, I’m getting to it.” Pushing my hands through my hair, I wince, forgetting momentarily about my busted-up knuckles before dropping them both to my thighs. “Jackson was angry and was looking to find a reason for our family breaking up. There didn’t need to be an explanation beyond our parents were no longer happy, but he was a stupid kid.” Even to my own ears it sounds like I’m making excuses for his destructive behaviour. I’m not, he’s an idiot.
“In his quest to find a reason, he uncovered my mom was having an affair,” pausing, I look up and meet her eyes before saying, “with your dad.”
I watch as her eyes widen, and she parts her mouth with a gasp. “It was her? It was your mom all along?” She shakes her head as if denying the truth, I just placed before her. “No, I can’t believe it.”
Sighing, I scrub my hands over my face and continue. “Jackson somehow found out our parents had been fooling around and started following them. He had secretly been taking pictures of them for months.”
“He stalked them? And he posted them on Facebook? He’s the one who exposed them?” she questions, already knowing the answer.
I watch as Hannah unfolds herself and rises to her feet. The blanket falls to the floor as she begins to pace again. Her hand comes to her lips a moment before she asks, “Why? Whyexpose them publicly? Or I guess just my dad because your mom remained anonymous. She didn’t become the talk of the town.”
Rubbing the back of my neck, I answer, “Jackson created a narrative in his head that you and your family are perfect and could do no wrong. He blamed your dad for our parents’ separation and thought that if he exposed him for being an adulterer then he would have to break it off and our parents would get back together. It was dumb.”
“You think?” She glares at me then freezes on the spot, her eyes growing wide. “Wait, when you saw the pictures online did you know it was her? Oh my god, did you know the entire time?”
“No, absolutely not!” Standing, I shake my head vigorously. “I had no idea, I promise. I never knew anything until the truth all came spilling out that day at Dad’s.” I try to go to her, but she backs away to keep distance between us.
“Make this make sense, Logan. How long? How long had they been cheating?”
“She swore up and down that nothing happened until after her and Dad were divorced.”
“So, it was okay that it was just my mom that was being cheated on. They respected your dad enough to wait but forget my mom, she didn’t matter. Got it. Priorities and all.” She rolls her eyes sarcastically.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Un-fucking-believable. She pretended to be her friend and the entire time she was sleeping with her husband. She consoled and comforted her after he died. Fuck, she was completely immersed in our lives for months after he was gone. I trusted her with everything, Logan.Everything!” she shouts as she enunciates the word. “With my mom’s fragile mental health, with the business, estate details, all the stuff with the lawyers that I didn’t understand; she took care of everything. We needed her, and the entire time we were being lied to.”
As tears begin to stream down her face, I go to her in a couple of quick strides and pull her into my embrace. She melts into me as I hold her close.Swaying us back and forth, I close my eyes as I breathe in her pomegranate scent while she silently cries.
“I’m sorry, baby. So, fucking sorry. What can I do?” I whisper into her hair.
“I need to know the rest.” She exhales deeply as she leans back and meets my eyes. Cupping her face in my hands, I use my thumbs to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks. I would rather have her anger than her despair. It breaks my heart to hurt her like this. “Is that why you broke up with me?” she whispers as she pulls away and steps back.
Looking down at the floor, I nod before meeting her eyes again. “It was a mistake.”
“A mistake? That’s what you are going with? A mistake.” Biting her lip, she nods her head slowly with resignation as she turns away from me and walks towards the kitchen.
“Wait, what are you doing? Where are you going?” I ask desperately, following her.
Stopping in the middle of the kitchen, she turns to me and says, “You know I spent years trying to understand why you stopped loving me? I thought you found someone new. I convinced myself that you wanted more than I could give you. But this, this is so much worse. You didn’t trust me with the truth.”
“Hannah, no. I love you, you have always been enough. And I would never cheat. You know me better than that.”
“No, I don’t. I don’t know anything anymore,” she shouts, tapping her chest with both hands. “MyLogan would have never kept this from me. He would have decided that I was strong enough to know the truth.”
“It had nothing to do with your strength and everything to do with my weakness. I couldn’t be here and look in your eyesevery day and know that my family caused you so much pain. I knew you would see me differently, but we would stay together anyway. I took that burden away from you because I thought it was the right thing to do.”
“The right thing?” she repeats. “For whom, Logan? Because it wasn’t me. I needed you.”
“I was 21 years old, Hannah. I just found out my mother was having an affair with a married man. I found out my brother publicly outed them. I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to deal with it.”
