“So discrete,” I mumble under my breath before she continues.
“It wasn’t going to remain a secret forever, just until you kids were a little older and Jackson was done school. I was okay with that. Your dad and Beth believed they were doing the right thing. We all did.”
“Until the pictures?”
“Until the pictures,” she confirms with a sad smile. “I can’t speak to what would have happened had your father been still alive. Maybe we would have made different choices.”
“So why not tell me then? He was gone, and the affair was over. I had a right to know.”
Nodding her head in agreement, she says, “Beth and I intended to tell you all. However, your father’s death devastated me. I didn’t cope well. I don’t remember much, but I know it wasn’t great.”
“You tried to kill yourself, Mom. I found you unconscious on the bathroom floor surrounded by the pills you had been hiding from me,” I say, quietly addressing something we never talk about. We have had low moments over the years, but that memory will be etched in my brain forever. “I didn’t know if you would recover.”
It was the end of April, and I had just started to accept my new normal. Life without Logan, my father’s death, resignation that everything had been profoundly changed forever, plus all my new responsibilities. Mom appeared to be doing better for a few days. She had even made dinner and watched a movie with me the night before. Francis wasn’t available to stay with her, and we needed things from the store. I thought it would be safe to leave her for an hour or so. I should have known better, but I had been lulled into a false sense of security.
“I blamed myself. I had already lost one parent, and you were going to leave me too,” I whisper.
“It was never your fault. I didn’t want to leave you, Hannah. At the time, I had just lost my number one support person, and I was grieving. I thought you would be better off without me. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.” She smiles weakly as she swishes her shoe back and forth in the dried leaves at her feet.
“You have never been a burden. I love you,” I say, wrapping my arms around my body.
“I know you do, darling, and I love you too. I’m so sorry that you have had to carry the weight of my mental illness for as long you did. I will always be grateful for how much you sacrificed to take care of me. How you supported me getting the help I need. It was life-changing and life-saving.”
Once she was medically stable, Ryan facilitated a transfer into a mental health treatment facility. She stayed inpatient for ninety days. After supporting her through the initial crisis, her team worked with her to find the correct medication as well as behavioural and talk therapy. Through the pain and grief, it was the first time either of us felt hopeful in years.
Francis and Maggie stepped in at once to advocate for Mom and support me the best they could. Riot, Meg, and Carson rallied around me and got me through the worst of it. They all took turns spending the night just so I wouldn’t have to be alone. Claire came home again for the second time in three months to be with me. Mom was still in treatment when I met Beck. But the one person I wanted wasn’t here.
When she came home it took a long time to trust her and rebuild our relationship. I never once asked if she knew about the affair. Nobody was talking about it anymore. They had all moved on to new gossip and scandal. I was afraid if I brought it up it would be a step backwards in her progress.
My head begins to throb as I sit back down on the bench. Leaning my elbows on my knees, I hold my head. I feel my mom’s hand rub soft circles on my back comforting me like she did when I was a child. I’m experiencing information overload, but I have more questions to ask.
“Mom, why did Beth decide to move? If you say Jackson, I may scream,” I ask over the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees.
“Yes, Jackson was taken into consideration. He showed he couldn’t be trusted, and it was obvious he needed help she couldn’t give him here.” She smiles weakly before continuing. “While she was trying to close the sale on your father’s office, they discovered money missing. Just small random amounts over six months but big enough that it wasn’t just misplaced receipts.”
Her hand falls away as I stand quickly and spin to look at her. “I remember. It was Jackson? Holy fuck, he was hacking even then and she covered it up.” Unbelievable.
She removed him from this town to protect him only to toss him into something so much worse. If I already wasn’t so angry, maybe I would feel sorry for him. But not her, she was the adult. How would all our lives have been different if everyone was just honest from the beginning?
“He was a deciding factor, but Beth knew staying here would be hard on her. Think what you will, but she loved your father very much. She was devastated when he passed, and we provided each other comfort. She couldn’t grieve out loud like we could. Her grief had to be hidden because we chose to keep their relationship private. He was gone, there was no need to share with the community and have them gossip. We knew that the speculation would still be there, so I gave her the money to start somewhere new. Jason already had a new job, so she followed, and they continue to co-parent. Your dad would havewanted that, and I had it to give. I believe she was relieved to start over, away from the memories.”
“Well, that was all neat and tidy then, wasn’t it?” I mumble sarcastically. She gave her the money to leave. After everything I have learned this shouldn’t be a surprise butwhat the fuck? There is nothing anyone could say that would make me believe that Beth wasn’t manipulating my mother. Maybe not when Dad was alive but absolutely after. And Logan and I got caught up in it and paid the consequences of everyone else’s drama.
“How many people know about Dad and Beth? Am I the last to know?” Maybe this shouldn’t matter, but I need to know who knew before I did.
“All of it? At the time, just Francis and Maggie. Then Ryan for obvious reasons. Since then, I have only shared this with Mason. I have no idea who Beth has told about their relationship beyond Jason,” she pauses for a moment before saying, “and of course, Logan found out accidentally.”
“I see.” Standing, I shove my hands in my hoodie pocket and look down at my mom sitting with her hands clasped. “I understand your decision to keep their relationship private, but the truth is my feelings are really hurt. I paused my life and did my best to take care of you and everything else without knowing all the information. You have had years to tell me the truth and chose not to. My life has been profoundly affected by the choices of others, and I’m going to need time to think about everything I have learned in the past 12 hours.”
Bending down, I kiss my mom on the cheek before walking away, leaving her behind sitting quietly in the woods. I am so tired of all the secrets and lies and for once, I am going to think about what I need first. Right now, that looks like silence, my bed, and my cat. I just have one stop to make first.
Fallen leaves and gravel crunch under my feet as I walk along the path winding through the cemetery. Fresh and silk flowers decorate the graves lovingly placed by family and friends. Some of the faded headstones are over one hundred years old, and it makes me sad to think that there may be nobody left to visit them.
When I reach his final resting place, I lower myself to the ground and sit with my legs crossed in front of his marker. With my finger, I trace his name – Richard Knight, Loving Husband and Father. I remember the first time I saw the inscription I rolled my eyes. I loved him so much, but I was so hurt and angry. I’ve since learned that it’s okay to feel all those things simultaneously.
“Hi Daddy,” I whisper as I brush the pine needles from the cold stone. “I just wanted to let you know I know the truth, and I understand better now. I know you were trying to protect us by keeping secrets, I just wish you had done things differently. But I forgive you.”
Looking towards the sky, I sniff before wiping away my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. Once I have collected myself, I look back and smile softly.
