I open my eyes onto Friday morning. Sun is patterning the room, and I feel fresh.
This day… This day is unlike any other day. And there’s a long line of them in front of me: days when I get to roll out of bed feeling good, days full of potential. Days when I feel alive. Days with the promise of seeing Harris again. Whatever comes, I can handle it.
It’s a good day for making decisions.
I’ve thought long and hard about it. After this week anything is possible. I can do anything, choose whatever I want, go anywhere in the universe. The idea of the residency, of freedom, doesn’t seem as terrifying as it did last week, and today is the last day I can act on it. I’m still scared – my fingers shake as I fill out the forms, as I tap the laptop keys to upload additional photos, sign up for an interview – but it’s nothing like the fear and nausea I experienced when I was contemplating Hansa’s request.
As soon as it’s done I feel a strange sense of peace. If I stay, I’ll only be doing an impersonation of myself: good responsible Amie. With this decision, my best self and my real self are merging until I’m more whole than I’ve ever been before.
When I bring Nani her morning tea, she definitely notices.
‘You’re smiling, bebe.’ She dunks her biscuits in her chai. ‘That’s better. You have been very low over the past few days.’
‘I’m feeling better.’ I settle myself on her bed. ‘Maybe that rest yesterday was just what I needed.’
‘Maybe having a visitor was just what you needed.’
I think I blush a little. ‘I was glad to see Harris. He’s…there’s things about him…’
‘You don’t have to explain to me, child.’ Nani waves her soggy biscuit. ‘I have been in love.’
‘You and Nanaa –’
‘I know you think it is strange I talk to my Apu, but he is always with me. Even now.’ She looks at me. ‘I loved your Nanaa strongly, and I still do. He passed before you were even a spark in your mother’s eye. But he was with me for the raising of two children until just before your mother and auntie came here to study, and he provided for their education overseas. He was a good husband and a good man. He is still always in my heart.’
‘Harris is a good man.’ Saying that was easy. Now for the hard part. I clasp her free hand, take a deep breath. ‘And…I know you need me here for you, but I don’t think I can stay in Mildura and look after you. I need to live my own life for a little while. I’ve been offered a chance at a photography scholarship. And Harris might have to leave town soon, so I think I’d like to –’
‘Why would you stay and look after me?’ She blinks at me.
‘To be your carer.’ Confusion is still written all over her face. ‘To look after you here, full time? Like Auntie Hansa asked.’
‘YourMamiasked you to stay and live with me?’ Nani puts down her biscuit. ‘To babysit me?’
‘Not to babysit, Nani. To help.’ Now I’m the confused one. ‘Hansa hasn’t told you about…’
‘About the plan to have me taken care of?’ Nani’s eyes are glinting dangerously. ‘To be mollycoddled and fussed over and –’
‘Nani!It’s not like that!’ Or is it? How much of this arrangement was Nani even informed of? I have a terrible feeling I’ve somehow dropped Auntie Hansa right in it, without even being aware of it. ‘Look, everyone was concerned after you wandered down the street that day –’
‘That is no reason for people to be making up plans to cosset me! Whose idea was this?’
‘I don’t –’ I shake my head, not sure what to say now. ‘I don’t know, Nani. Auntie just asked me to stay.’
‘Bah!’ I have to rescue Nani’s cup of chai when she flings her hands up. ‘And you were going to agree to this foolishness? How long have I been saying to you, “Go out and live”? You think I meant stayinghere? Looking after an old woman, sitting amongst the doilies and making rice pudding –’
‘That doesn’t matter ifyou’rethe old woman I’m looking after!’ I frown, shocked at my own directness. ‘Nani, you spent yesterday at the hospital. How can you say you don’t need more support when you have dizzy spells, and call me by my mother’s name –’
‘Your mother would never have allowed it!’ Nani is glaring. ‘I will not allow it either! Have you people never heard of domiciliary care? Senior citizens centres, home nurses –’
‘Hansa can’t afford to get a nurse in, you know that, Nani! She practically re-mortgaged the house to pay for Jas’s wedding, and she’s got another daughter to go. And would you really want a stranger looking after you? Don’t you want someone who would care for you properly?’
Nani rolls her eyes dramatically. ‘You think I haven’t put something aside for myself? I can provide perfectly well for the services I need. Whether I choose a stranger to care for me is my own decision to make. I would rather that than have you stuck here in this house, pining for the life you won’t get to lead!’
She leans forward and grasps both my hands in her own.
‘Amita, I may be an old woman, and I may need attention sometimes, but that is not what I want for you. It isneverwhat I have wanted for you.’ She touches my cheek. ‘Can’t you see? You fuss and worry over the people you love, restrict yourself to make them happy. But you must stop holding yourself back. For the last four years I have been encouraging you to go out and makeyourselfhappy.’
I’m trying to figure out why I feel so hurt. ‘I thought you would want me to be here for you…’
