‘Harris, the fact you apologised means you’renotan arsehole. You’re not. And apart from a few hours ago when I was thinking a lot of horrible things about you…’ I shrug at the admission. ‘I’ve never thought of you like that.’
Harris’s hands jerk his hoodie tighter. ‘Then you should be more cautious. I’ve never been the knight in shining armour, Amie. If you think that you’ve got me all wrong.’
‘I don’t,’ I insist. ‘I don’t have it wrong. You’re a good person –’
‘I’m not.’
‘Excuse me, but I like to think I’m a reasonable judge of character.’ I throw it back at him because, for some stupid reason, being called a decent human being is the only thing that seems to make a chink in his façade. ‘And you’re a good person who hides behind an arsehole mask. If you weren’t a good person you would never have agreed to do this, you would never have stuck it out so long. You’d have taken the money and run –’
‘If you knew how close I’ve come –’
‘And you wouldn’t give a shit about kids doing drugs, or whether the police arrest Leon. If you weren’t a good person, you wouldn’t get so cut about your dad –’
‘Don’t…’ Harris frowns harder as his eyes drop to the ground. ‘This isn’t about my dad.’
‘Harris, it’severything. Don’t you see?’ I keep my gaze fixed on him, willing him to listen. ‘Everything you do, every minute of the day, is about making yourself different from your dad.He’sthe arsehole, not you. All I see when I look at you is this courageous, kind –’
‘You can’t say that shit about me,’ he says flatly.
‘ – generous person, who has no idea of his own worth.’
‘You can’t…’ Harris’s eyes are screwed up tight. ‘You can’t just say that stuff, it’s not –’
‘Harris, the thing that drives mecrazyis the way you look at yourself means you think it’s okay to just dive into any situation, no matter how risky. I meant what I said, about you being reckless. You put yourself in danger all the time, it’s like you don’t care about your own life –’
‘Stop, okay? Just stop.’ His hand is out as if he’s begging. ‘It’s allbullshit, yeah? You got this idea in your mind that I’m some kinda hero, but I’mnot. I’m fuckingnot.’
‘Tell that to Reggie.’
‘Jesus, would youstop?’
In the cool dusk stillness, my whisper carries. ‘Why is it so hard to for you to believe me –’
‘Because nobody’s ever said it before!’
Harris’s expression is savage. His voice echoes on the river water. I watch him clutch at his head and spin on the spot. He looks miserable. If I was aiming to hurt him, I’ve hit the mark. But that was never my intention, and the sight of him tugs at me.
‘Thento hell with them.’ I stand firm. ‘To hell with them. But you’d better start believing it.’
His next words are choked out. ‘Amie, sometimes, I swear, I don’t wanna be anywhere near you.’
‘What doesthatmean?’
‘It means…’ Harris slaps his hands across his forehead, like he’s keeping his mental state from exploding out. But then he flings his hands wide, and the words explode out of him anyway. ‘I don’t know what it is, but you have something inside of you, like a key, that unlocks something inhere.’ He slams one hand against his chest. ‘It’s like…you unmake me. Every thought I ever had gets turned upside down. And I can’t do anything about it. And you don’t even know you’re doing it. And itfuckingscares the shitout of me.’
He paces as he raves, hands moving, his voice rising and falling and his whole body juddering. His face is anguished.
‘You look at me and I just start talking, and all the stuff that comes outta my mouth… It’s stuff I’ve never shared with anyone,ever. Do you know what that does to me? Do you know what it means? It’s fuckingterrifying. So there’s a part of me that wants to bolt when I’m around you, okay? But it’s like I can’t help myself, I keep coming back and coming back…’
His words finally tail off, his hands covering his face, but I don’t think the emotion is gone from him completely.
My voice comes out as shaky as I feel. ‘Would it be easier if I wasn’t your contact? Is that what you’re saying? Do you want someone who’ll tell you it’s okay to throw your life away, just –’
‘Why does it even matter if I’m reckless?’ His body sags. ‘What difference does it make?’
‘It makes a difference to me!’ I point my finger at the ground and let rip, as if raising the volume will make it stick. ‘You’ve got one person out here whocares about what happens to you, Harris! I didn’t mean to get caught up in all this, but I’m part of it now. And you can’t be reckless with your life anymore, okay?’ My face contorts. ‘Because it’snot all right with me. Because the last time I cared like this –’
I can’t keep going because I’ve started crying, which is stupid, but oh god, now it’s started it won’t stop. The ache of it hollows me out, bends me towards the hood of the Pitbull.
