For a brief second, and I mean brief, it appears as though Lilith regretsher indiscretion. Her shoulders slump and her eyes close. But a moment later, she stiffens. “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. This conversation is over!” The force of the wind whirling outside is no match for Lilith’s will. She lifts the door handle, uses her Prada heel to shove the car door open. Then she steps out onto the pavement, slamming the door shut behind her.
FIFTY-FOUR
CALI
Right after Miss Ophelia’s burial, Ellie and I head back to the dorm, straight up to my room. I remember Jasmine telling me she had a big English project today, and would be in the library most of the afternoon and into the evening. The room is dimly lit from the thunderstorm outside, but I don’t bother to turn on the light when we walk in the door. Somehow it feels appropriate to embrace the weather today. The darkness makes me ponder the funeral and how sad Miss Pearl looked in her black clothes walking down the center aisle of the church. Afterward, everyone was saying it was like Miss Ophelia was here one day and gone the next. No one even knew she had cancer. And now our pledge class will never get to know her.
Between the wind and the rain and the sudden drop in temperature, both Ellie and I are freezing. It’s hard to get warm. So we pile up in my bed, and pull the comforter on top of us. “I feel terrible for Miss Pearl,” I say once we’re settled in. “Miss Ophelia was like her mother.”
Ellie’s lying on her back, sharing my pillow. “I don’t even want to know how I would feel if my mother died.” Suddenly she turns her head toward me. “I’m sorry, Cali. I shouldn’t have said that. You know exactly what it feels like.”
I’m still staring straight up at the ceiling, dying to tell her the truth. What’s holding me back? Am I afraid she won’t be my friend? “It sucks,” I simply say.
“But your grandparents were just as good. Isn’t that what you told me?”
“They were better, actually. Way better.”
She turns to her side, facing me, propping herself up on her elbow. “What was your mother like?” She asks me this question with hesitancy, like she’s not sure if she should.
I breathe in and breathe out. “I hated her.”
From the corner of my eye I see her flinch. “Why?”
Turning my head toward her I say, “Do you really wanna know?”
“Only if you wanna tell me.”
“She’s a meth head.” Surprisingly, I don’t freak out when I say it. I stay calm.
“Wasa meth head.”
I shake my head. “I lied. She’s alive. At least I think she is.”
Her eyes are as big as pumpkins now. I’ve no doubt shocked the shit out of her.
“She lives in California, where she ran off with some guy when I was five years old. We really don’t know if she’s dead or alive. I lied because I’m so,soembarrassed and ashamed of her.” Shame is rolling around inside my gut, the way it has a zillion times before, but I’m still unruffled.
When she reaches out to touch my shoulder, Ellie’s face is painted with compassion. “Don’t be embarrassed. I don’t care. I mean, I do care about you.” By the sound of her voice, and the way she’s trying to assure me, I can tell she’s sincere.
“Yeah, but what about the rest of the girls in our sorority?”
“We don’t know them yet, but I can’t imagine any of them would care either.”
“When I got dropped from Rush I was sure it was because someone found out about her. And held it against me.” An image of my mother, the last time I saw her, floats across my mind. She’s in our living room looking pretty, the way I remember her, until she opens her mouth and I catch a glimpse of her teeth, chipped and black.
“Like who?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “But I have a theory.”
Ellie leans in curiously. I’ve got her attention. “What’s your theory? Tell me.”
“Remember when Mrs. Whitmore asked me if my name was California, back at the first football game?”
“Yeah.”
“She was right. My real name is California. My mother named me that because she always wanted to live there. On Bid Day, Mrs. Whitmore lied to my grandparents. She told them I wasn’t pledging Alpha Delt and called me California to my face. I’m convinced she went poking around Blue Mountain to find out about my past. I’m almost positive.”
“Oh my God. I can’t imagine she would do something that mean.”
