“Oh, dear.” I shook my head as I tried to absorb this news. Kendrick had never given me any sign of how bad things were. Were things that bad, or was she exaggerating? Somehow I doubted that was the case. If my book was a success, I would do my part in helping out the estate.
“Men think to keep these things out of the realm of women. I was privy to everything, as were many of our peers. It is a great secret among men that we women often play a vital role in the finances of our households. In the eyes of men, somehow, that negates their status as head of the house. In that regard, my son does not differ from his father.”
Was Lady Helen a suffragette? I stared at her for a long moment and absorbed her tirade. And if she was, was my mother also one? Throughout my childhood, she’d a way of curtailing my sisters’ spending sprees and often made all decisions concerning the household. My father was an easy-going sort and seemed to defer to her. “I see.” I did not know what to say. She’d opened my eyes to something illuminating. “Should I be concerned?”
“Yes, and no. Your dowry helped, and he is very astute at business. Although it is not polite to talk about finances, you are his wife; thus, it affects you. His meeting this week—if fruitful—will be the key to his success.”
“He never mentioned it was that important.” In his defense, I never asked.
“In Kendrick’s case, he simply wishes to shield you from pain. I’m afraid that is my fault. I put him in an untenable situation,” she said.
“No, you didn’t. His father did. You’re not to blame. You did what any mother would do; you protected your child. Kendrick might have faults, but he loves you.” I just wished he could love me.
“You were upset, and I made the conversation about me. Lowe will be pleased that I took you into my confidence.” She offered a wry smile.
“You like him.” I nudged her side, joyful to see her happy after the unpleasantness she’d disclosed for my benefit.
“Of course, I love my son.”
I laughed at her attempt to change the subject. “Reverend Lowe. You like him. Kendrick does as well. He is quite proud of playing matchmaker, although Colt accused him of being a double-dealer.”
“Lowe’s an honorable man, and yes, I like him. I might even love him.” She blushed a pretty pink, the light of infatuation brightening her face. “Do you love Kendrick?”
“With every breath I take.” Silence settled between us, broken by the lively occupants of the park. The grass was green, and the sky a pale blue with large, fluffy white clouds. It was the perfect day on the outside.
“I’m unsure if he feels the same,” I mumbled, ashamed to admit my husband wasn’t in love with me.
She tilted her head in my direction. “I can barely hear you, my dear.”
“Sorry.” I found it hard to say the words above a whisper. It was too painful. “He, well, I caught him flirting with, um, flirting with someone today, and I’m afraid I got jealous.”
“Aw, yes, Kendrick is flirtatious by nature, and given his looks and temperament, he has always been popular with the ladies. You mustn’t think of it as a bad reflection of yourself. Although I would gladly have a word with him on that score.” She skirted a broken paving stone, holding onto my arm with more force to steady herself.
“You needn’t bother. I’ll talk to him. I just, well, it caught me by surprise.” Heat rushed into my chest, and I fought another jolt of jealous outrage. He’d told me he might take another lover, and I wouldn’t have said anything. I never expected him to disrespect me in my home, however. Once we were alone, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable.
“Have you told him you love him?” she asked.
“Not yet.” It seemed too soon before, and now it seemed too late. Thoughts crowded around in my mind, and I missed Coltmore than ever. Colt was my confidant, and while Lady Helen listened to my complaints, he knew the entire truth.
I loved him as much as I loved Kendrick. In their own way, the two men held me up and gave me confidence. But Colt had chosen a different path, and Kendrick fell back to Gavin. Where did that leave me?
“You need to tell him. Kendrick is a smart man but very blind to others. He still thinks he might end up like his father, and if he keeps people at arm’s length, that he can’t hurt them.”
“Except he hurts them by holding back a part of himself.” It was a double-edged sword. His reluctance added to my meekness made us star-crossed lovers.Ifhe loved me, which was still up in the air. I picked up my steps and steered her back toward the road. From the bend in the path, I had a view of the terrace house.
“All isn’t lost, Lillian. He might leave, but he’ll be back.”
The time apart from him might be beneficial. At least he would be away from Gavin. I had a hard choice to make. Either run away or stand my ground. I was his wife. Right was on my side. Whether or not he loved me, I loved him, and I would show him in every way I knew possible just how much.
