Chapter Thirty
Lady Eleanor, Duchess of Smythington
“What I am about to tell you isn’t pleasant for me, and I can well imagine it won’t be pleasant for you to hear.” I leaned back in my chair and traced a fingertip down the string of my violin. The instrument was a part of me, and I’d kept it close by since my grandmother gifted it to me. “When my father turned down your offer in lieu of Rex’s, a part of me was relieved.”
He winced as if I had slapped him. “I could have gone a lifetime without knowing that.”
“Please hear me out.” The words came out in a rush, shame underlying every syllable. “The truth is, the passion I felt for you scared me. It still does. When you held me in your arms—and even now when you hold me in your arms— desire overcomes my common sense.”
“But desire and love are two different things.” His words dripped with bittersweet honesty. “I knew there was a connection between the two of you that wasn’t there between us. Just because Rex loved you didn’t mean I loved you any less. Except you loved him a bit more than me.”
“I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but when I kiss Rex, I feel warm throughout my entire body. When I kissed you, I felt warmth in one place, well, three places if you want to be technical.” Speaking to Flynn had always come easy to me. Itwas the other feelings he evoked that flustered me and made me forget the strict words my father pounded into my head from a young age. “You brought out my passions and my need to defy societal norms. You were an earl with a title as prestigious as a duke, but your overt masculinity scared me.”
His mortified stare met mine. Although he was brash at times, his bravado hid a sensitive soul. “I never wanted to scare you. I thought you enjoyed my kisses and my touch. That night in the fountain—”
“—was a mistake.” The admission burned my cheeks, the words coming out in a rush. We deceived two people that night, Rex and Mary. “You were courting my best friend, and I betrayed her for my own desires. That is what I meant when I said I was afraid of you. Not in the physical sense. You challenged my resolve to always be a proper lady. It was magical and had you pressed the issue, I would have given myself to you.”
“We had a very ardent connection. Passion isn’t always enough.”
“Very true. Once my father discovered our outing, he accused me of being a loose woman.” My heart beat unaccountably fast, and I wanted to erase what happened later that night from my memory. I couldn’t because I bore the scars both inside and out. “You asked me how I received the scars on my thigh.”
“You said you were thrown from your horse.” Fury blazed in his eyes, and mortification rushed through me as the truth hit him. “You weren’t, were you?”
I fought the tears threatening to fall. “It was by my father’s hand. He often raised the whip to...” My voice caught on a sob; the horror from that night would forever haunt me.
He reached over and clasped my hand, compassion cutting through his temper on my behalf. “You needn’t continue.”
“I must.” I inhaled a calming breath. “My father believed in corporal punishment for all of us, including my mother.”Wetness cooled my warm cheeks. It felt like all I had done of late was cry. “He was furious with me, and after whipping me with a riding crop until I could no longer stand, he told me I had to marry Rex.”
Flynn clenched and unclenched his fists, rage hovering just shy of the surface. “If he weren’t dead, I would beat him within an inch of his miserable life.” Outrage sparked his eyes, every muscle tense. “No wonder you didn’t tell Rex.”
“I didn’t tell Rex about the proposal because I was ashamed of my behavior.” I shifted in my seat, glad I had gotten the words out. “I told him about the beatings because I wasn’t about to let my own children go through what I had.”
“Your father was a prig and treated you horribly.”
“My father aside, something raw and elemental about our connection made me want to buck propriety and give myself to you.”
“I am as hurt by your confession as I am flattered.” He huffed out a laugh. “Setting aside my pride, I must agree. I was a bit wild at the time, a rake, truth be told. I followed through with my desires for any woman who caught my eye. It wasn’t until I had to face up to my responsibility to the earldom that I married Mary. She was a good wife.”
“And a good friend. She would have been devastated if she learned the truth.” Guilt over the entire incident still haunted me. “As would Olivia. I feel like I couldn’t survive without you in my life.”
“We are bound together by family and a shared past.”
“I must admit, when Olivia told me she was having reservations and might call off the engagement, I was very relieved.” Yet another shameful thing I had done. What a selfish woman I was, betraying my friends for my own agenda. “You are as much of a part of my life as my husband and family. For so many years, we carried a friendship that I hold invaluable.”
“While I value our friendship, I want more than that. I’m still in love with you, Eleanor, and I love Rex more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life.”
Searching Flynn’s direct gaze, I wondered if he was truly in love with us or the idea of us. I had been asking myself the same question since our affair began. Rex and I were flawed, but we loved each other, and we loved Flynn. It was time to lay out my heart and try to heal from past hurts.
“The two days we spent together at the Stratham were the most memorable in recent years. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole. I understand the reason why you only wanted a limited time, and I respect that.”
I glanced down before lifting my eyes again. “I don’t want to lose out on what we had. I’ve been furious with Rex over what happened. As we’ve been sitting here talking, though, I’ve realized that life is too short for me to focus on something in the past that I cannot change. I want to go back to the conservatory, but I want to go back aboveboard.”
