“I wish I could be with you more, however, I am dealing with a very delicate matter that could harm the country’s relationship with our allies.” Rex reached over and laid his hand on mine, his combative stance gone.
“I understand you have obligations to the country. I am not disputing that. I am merely pointing out that you are choosing to play golf over spending time with me.” I rubbed at my templesand willed myself to remain calm. Despair threatened to derail me.
“Then I will send him a note declining his offer.” He nodded at his statement as if capitulating would erase my anger at him.
“That isn’t necessary. You obviously want to go.” The passionate feelings I had for him faded, and I no longer wished to be near him until my temper cooled.
Chin jutted out, he stared down his nose at me, a touch of color on his cheeks. “Not if you have an issue with me going golfing.”
“My issue isn’t with golfing itself. You are taking my comment too literally.” I ground my teeth, which caused my headache to worsen. Rex wasn’t a stupid man, yet he was oblivious to anything but his own matters. “Harry and Atticus will be attending school, and Anne will be on her wedding trip. You are always gone, so where does that leave me? I don’t feel needed anymore.”
“Of course you are needed. You are the glue holding our family together.” He offered me an encouraging smile, but I could see the worry in his eyes. “With everything happening with the children, I think you are overwhelmed.”
Instead of his words comforting me, they sparked my temper brighter. I had never truly expressed my dissatisfaction with anything to do with our marriage. “Either you don’t understand, or you don’t wish to.”
“Then explain it to me so I can help you.” Rex stared at me for a long moment, the muscle in his jaw jumping. He was used to fixing problems for others. He couldn’t fix what was broken inside me.
“I am not an issue for you to resolve.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or scream. Rex was trying his best, but he simply could not comprehend the redundancy that my life had become. He worked long hours on behalf of the country, and from whathe told me, he enjoyed the tasks given to him. I never denied him his freedom to have friends outside the home, yet he was constantly volunteering to do things with his time, which he had little enough of.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” He threaded his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
How could I tell him when I didn’t truly know myself? Hopelessness nearly chocked me and I blinked back tears. He stared at me, waiting for my answer.
“I am...I am not articulating myself well, nor am I sure I can truly articulate what I am feeling.” For far too long I kept my feelings to myself, and I regretted even saying anything. This was something I needed to work out for myself. Inhaling a fortifying breath, I willed my features to relax. It had been a grave mistake on my part to give voice to my dissatisfaction. “I think you might be right. I am overwhelmed. After the wedding, I am sure I will be as right as rain.”
The lie lay heavy on my lips. I wanted to believe every word. Tears sprang into my eyes, and I blinked them back.
“You are unhappy?” Rex continued to watch me with an eagle eye. “It’s obvious you are unhappy.”
“I am not unhappy. I am simply in a mood, I suppose. You had best leave, or you will be late.” The lie dropped easily from my lips. When I married Rex, I thought the entire world would always be rosy. As a married woman and a duchess, I was out from under my father’s heavy thumb for the first time. Rex was nothing like my father, and I thrived under his gentle attention. He stood by me through the loss of two children in early pregnancy. I was blessed with three healthy children and I was also privileged to be born into such luxury. Even with all my blessings, I was still restless. I needed a distraction. “Will you tellFlynn that I propose we take Harry to Knutchester and meet him afterward?”
A strained silence rested between us, and I wanted him to leave so I could break down in peace.
“I will send him a message.” Rex stood and moved to my side of the table. He lifted my chin with his thumb and pressed a kiss to my lips. “I love you, Eleanor.”
“I know you do.” I nodded and forced a smile. “I will invite the ambassador and his wife for dinner tomorrow night.”
“Thank you.” He caressed my mouth once more in a soft kiss of love, not passion. He lifted his head, his intense regard full of regret. “I will see you later.”
“Yes, later.” I held back the tears that threatened to fall. At one point, I’d begun to question my own sanity. Surely I wasn’t the only person to feel this way, yet every married woman I talked to was happy with her station in life. Of course, Olivia claimed they were all lying. I wanted to believe that. Deep down inside, I wondered if something was wrong with me.
The moment Rex exited, I gathered my correspondence and left the room. Tears blurred my vision as I went to the music room, needing to play my violin and get my head into a pleasant place. No sooner did I cross the threshold than a maid entered behind me. I blinked back the tears, not wishing for anyone to see me cry.
“Lady Olivia is here to see you. Would you like me to show her in?”
“Yes, please.” I nodded, satisfied I might have someone to talk to about my troubles.
I picked up my violin and sat in my usual chair by the windows, echoes of my conversation with Flynn still in my memory. This is where I agreed to our wonderful night together. Thus far I was gratified by the intimacies we had shared in the study. I still had reservations about furthering them because Iwas already addicted to my newfound passions. I began playing the violin, the soothing music rushing throughout my body. I kept an eye on the door, looking for Olivia. Moments later, she appeared, her waist cinched in a fashionable walking skirt and military jacket.
She smiled at me, taking off her hat as she went. “Good morning. I have excellent news for you.”
“I could do with some good news.” I smiled back for her benefit. Inside, my heart ached.
She instantly frowned, and taking the seat across from me, she took my hand. “Is something awry?”
I tried to keep the tears at bay and blink them back. “Rex and I had words this morning. You know, the usual challenges with any marriage.” I paused, unprepared to tell her about Rex choosing a golf game over intimacies with me. It was too raw. Instead, I shared my other heartache. “I thought if I were accepted at the conservatory, I could have something of my own...” My voice broke, and I couldn’t stop the flood of words from spilling from my lips. “Flynn said they only take young talent and I am no longer young, and, well, it’s a moot point. I had to miss the audition.”
“You told Flynn about auditioning?”
