“You hungry?Want to try this bottle your mommy made?”I sat down and pulled out the bottle.Levi’s eyes fixated on it, his arms and legs moving even faster.
I popped the nipple in his mouth and he grunted as the milk flowed.He stared up at me, eyes wide and clear.
“You know, I never got to do this with your dad.Granted, I didn’t know he was mine.Not until he was just about my height and had lived through his own hell.Er…bad times.”I winced.The baby couldn’t talk, but that didn’t mean I should teach him curse words.
“Nash is a better man than me.Let’s hope you’re an even better one than he is.”A bug tried to land on Levi’s forehead, and I shooed it off.“I think you will be because you’re blessed with two strong parents.Parents who love and respect each other.”While I spoke, Levi’s eyes began to droop, and he sucked much slower.
I smiled.
“Sometimes you need a full belly to feel sleepy, huh?I remember not sleeping much when I was hungry.Those pangs seem so much worse at night.”
Levi’s eyes closed, his dark lashes settling against his plump cheeks.I waited, breath held, but his mouth slid slowly open and the nipple popped out.I chuckled softly.
“Yeah, I get it.You were tired but wired.”I set the bottle aside and rubbed my thumb between his tiny eyebrows, the spot Aya loved to kiss.“Sleep, Levi.You’re safe and you’re loved.”
“You ever wish you did that with me?”Nash asked.
I looked back over my shoulder and found him lounging against a nearby tree.Though he still had purplish shadows under his eyes, he seemed more awake.He’d slipped into jeans and his sneakers to go with his T-shirt.He looked like a college boy, not a multi-platinum performer with a kid of his own.
“Yeah,” I said, voice catching.“The more I do with Levi, the more I wish I’d had that time with you.”
“Hmm.”
I started to rise, planning to offer Levi to Nash and take my leave.He lifted a hand and shook his head.
“You good with him?”Nash asked.
Tenderness filled my chest as I took in my grandson.“Yeah.I enjoy holding him.”
Nash smiled, his eyes soft as he looked at his son.“There’s something about a baby that mellows you.”He glanced up.“You know?”
“Yeah.”My voice was gruff thanks to the emotion clogging my throat.“I never knew that.Till now.I…” I exhaled through my nose, trying to keep my pulse calm.Taking in Levi’s angelic face, so innocent in slumber, helped.“I wish I’d had a better role model.Been a better role model to you.”
Nash settled on the ground next to me, his arms slung across his knees.“Can’t go back.”
“Nope.And I’m trying to let the regret go.I just want you to know that I love you, son.”
The left side of Nash’s mouth lifted in a partial smile.“Glad someone beside Aya does,” he quipped.
“I’m serious,” I said.
“Don’t get so defensive.I know.And that means a lot.”
I swallowed down my disappointment.Nash might never be ready to tell me he loved me.I had to accept that.
“Tell me about your parents,” Nash said.
“Why?”
“Because I want to know you,” he said.
I settled back a little, staring out into the gurgling water while I opened up to him.“I know you think I’m too closed off with you, with Aya…I hope not as much with your boy here.”
I swallowed the painful lump that formed in my throat.It was an amalgam of disgust, fear, and guilt that I struggled with whenever I thought about my mother’s beatings.
“You don’t have to—” Nash began.
I cut him off.“I do.You deserve to know.”I snuggled my grandson closer, his warm, small body a boon against the ugliness in the world.
