He seemed to feel my inspection and returned my stare boldly. “Stay with me,” he said again. It was a demand but also a plea.
“I need to get the job first,” I said.And I need to know that you mean what you’ve said. I want to believe you. Paxton, please don’t play games with my heart. I’m not sure I can handle a second heartbreak.
The pain of Paxton leaving me the first time mixed again with the agony of my broken body, my brother’s screams, my mother’s blood.
“You will.”
I blinked, the nightmare my mind had recreated faded away, and I gripped Paxton’s slick skin under my hands, grounding myself. A ripple pulsed up my spine as I tried to calm my racing heart. I tried to avoid those memories; they left me clammy and wiped out. “We’ll see,” I finally told him.
“I’m holding you to that,” he said as he gathered me even closer.
I loved how he cradled me, enjoyed the feeling of peace that permeated the safety of his embrace, yet I couldn’tquitebring myself to relax fully against him again.
The pain and fear had burrowed deep into my psyche, possibly too deep for me to root out.
Chapter15
Paxton
Hana was holding back. I could feel it in the vague stiffness of her spine. Frustration oozed from my pores, but I reminded myself I must be patient. Trust wasn’t fixed in a day, a week…a month.
Still, I fizzed with the need to…what? Force her to love me as I did her? That wasn’t possible.
With a heavy sigh, I loosened my arms. It felt like I was giving up on her, on us, but I’d said what I could, done what I could…for now. Hana needed to decide if she was willing to take the next step.
Unable to handle being this close to her another moment, I pushed from the water, sloshing some on the floor. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist.
“Stay in here as long as you like,” I muttered. “I’m going to pack.”
Hana threw an arm over her chest and pressed her thighs together. I gritted my teeth as I turned on my heel and left the room.
So much for making progress. She was hiding from me. That was even worse than her defiant attempt to disgust me with her injuries. Good thing I had an early flight tomorrow, because every interaction between us scraped my nerves raw. I knew I was to blame, but I hated the distance between us.
I calmed once I’d dressed in pajama pants and a T-shirt. I finished my packing, an ear out for Hana’s movements in the tub. I heard the water drain and her faint splash.
When I heard her grunt of pain, I laid the pair of slacks I’d folded on top of the others and poked my head around the corner. Hana leaned against the edge of the counter, wrapped in a towel. I took my time tracing each red scar, memorizing them, trying to grasp the enormity of her injury and subsequent surgeries.
I sucked in a breath when she leaned down and rubbed the deepest scar, her face contorted with agony.
She still hurt. Maybe she always would. And that pain would be a reminder of me turning my back on her. My stomach flipped as I realized I was hoping for a miracle to have her move toward reconciliation at my pace. She was still dealing with the fallout of my choices, and always would be.
* * *
The next morning,I turned from my blender and was surprised to find Hana lingering at the edge of the kitchen. She looked past me toward the ornate three-oven French range that sat proudly in the custom alcove I’d had designed for it.
Her hand fluttered up to her chest, her fingertips touching her blouse over her heart.
“Morning,” I offered as I switched off the blender. “Sorry if the noise woke you. I’m leaving in twenty minutes, so you’ll have plenty of time here without me.”
She had to tear her eyes from the range. She licked her lips, opened her mouth, shut it, and licked her lips again.
She refocused on the appliance. I poured my smoothie into a glass, grimacing at its healthiness. I hated green smoothies with a passion, but I drank one every morning because the team nutritionist wasn’t happy with my vegetable intake, and this was the fastest way to get the largest number of the bitter greens into my system as possible. I hated to admit it, but I loved how energetic and supple my muscles felt after drinking sixteen ounces of gross.
“Y-you remembered.” Her voice trembled.
I’d just gulped the biggest mouthful possible. I swallowed, grunted at the taste, and set the glass down. “There’s not a thing wrong with my memory, Hana.” I was surly from poor sleep, disappointment, and my unpalatable breakfast. To prevent myself from saying something stupid, I picked up the smoothie and downed the contents.
“I just…I can’t believe…that’s my dream range.”
