Aiki and I had gotten on well because we both liked sports and running around, but it was Hana that drew me closer, and I’d spent more of my time with her by late elementary school.
There had never even been even the idea of another woman for me. Hana and I had started dating our sophomore year of high school. Her mother was traditional in her values and culture, and that meant Hana and I had less freedom to spend time together than before we’d made our relationship official.
I soaped my body, staring down at the drain, watching the suds build up there.
But I’d told her I would never hide how much I cared for her, how proud I was that she wanted me, too.
That was all true.
Until I blew it up. I groaned, shoving the heels of my hands into my eyes as I remembered that conversation and the painful reality of the aftermath.
“You don’t need to come to the draft,” I’d said, shifting my weight, my father’s words spinning through my head.
“Of course I’m going to be there,” Hana said, smiling. Her dark eyes had shone bright with pride and excitement. “I need to show the world how proud I am of my man.” She’d run her palms down my chest, and a warm tingle had lit me up even as my heart pounded.
“But that’s just it,” I’d blurted.
She’d pulled back, confusion marring her soft white brow. “What’s it?”
“I’m not your man.”
Her eyes had widened as my heart dropped not just to my feet but seemingly out of my body. I’d done it. I’d started the process of breaking up with the only girl I’d ever dated. The only woman I’d loved.
And I’d watched her face pale, her eyes widen. Hana rarely showed great emotion with anyone, so I wasn’t surprised when she’d bowed her head to hide the tears forming in her eyes. I knew they were there, though, because my eyes were filled, too.
“You have another semester of college,” I’d told her, my words pouring out of me faster, and faster. “And I’m going to some other city—maybe across the country…”
“I’ll go with you?—”
“No, Hana. I know how important your studies are to you. You worked so hard to get into a top-tier school. You shouldn’t have to give up that diploma for me.”
She’d raised her head then, the fire in her eyes battling with the wet streaks down her cheeks. “So instead you’re going to break up with me. Just…dump me because I don’t fit in easily to your new life?”
I’d bitten my cheek, staring at her for a long moment. Myriad thoughts had rushed through my head, mostly my father’s words. “Too young… Never even looked at another woman… Can’t know this relationship is what you want…”
He’d made sense, hadn’t he?“There are going to be so many girls and parties,” I’d tried to explain.“There’s no way I could?—”
“Be very careful what you say next, Pax,” Hana had said, her voice soft, yet filled with a layer of steel I rarely heard from her.
“W-what do you mean?” I’d asked.
“It sounds like you’re saying these other women will tempt you, and you don’t have the discipline to stay faithful,” Hana replied, her lovely amber-colored eyes narrowed to slits.
“I—no, that’s not what I mean.”
Was it? Had my dad been telling me I didn’t have the willpower? I frowned. I loved Hana. I’d been faithful to this point. Why wouldn’t I continue to be faithful?
I’d shaken my head, confusion beating at my skull.
“Then whatdoyou mean?” Hana had asked.
“That…that… It’s just too hard to keep us going when you’re in Boston, and I’m somewhere else.”
Hana had studied me a moment, and her face slowly turned into a mask—an expression I most often saw when she was around her mother. For whatever reason, Hana and Mrs. Sato didn’t get along well. Hana had never explained why, though I’d asked numerous times.
My throat had closed as panic gripped me. My dad had said I was doing the right thing, setting her free, trying to make sure Hana had the opportunities to meet her full potential.
This was right, wasn’t it? I was being the bigger person. So why did I feel so small? So miserable.
